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I'm kinda frustrated and kinda need a space to vent.
So I have this friend right? And we have been having problems all year since we moved in with each other really. We use to be best friends but now all that's left is this tension between us. I suppose a lot of it's my fault because I just don't want to hear it anymore ya know? She likes to talk about her problems and then it will turn into her wanting to talk to me about our issues. I finally told her I think she expects too much out of people, stuff she doesn't necessarily keep in mind for herself. There was a long period where all she did was snap at me and my other flat mate and it stopped. It's starting up again and we get into fights at least once every few days or she says something and I just stop responding and think "F*ck off." At one point, in the fall, I yelled at her to stop taking her sh*t out on me. I never yell at friends.
I think in part the snapping is starting up because she feels as though I'm being distant with her and generally apathetic. The thing is when I'm stressed I act distant, it's flaw of mine. I just shut down and I'm not proud of it but I'm trying to work on it. I have a 20 paged research paper due next week and have had a lot of things going on in my life that I just haven't wanted to speak with her about. I told her too that I don't want to talk about my emotional problems because I'm tired of rehashing them and want to get over them as opposed to constantly thinking about why everything is sh*t. I just want to be alone I guess but she lingers and clings. She also has this tendency to try and insert herself into everything to feel apart of stuff which I understand but it gets old fast.
Sorry if this sounds all jumbled. I'm just so tired and find myself most of the time not really caring about her being angry with me anymore.
I also came to the realization the other day that I just don't trust her to not treat me like sh*t or to actually see my point of view when we have a problem. It just feels very one sided like I'm suppose to change everything about myself and she doesn't have to change a single f*cking thing. The bottom line is I'm tired and having nothing more to give.
Am I being a c*nt about all of this? Some days, I really feel like a icy B*tch.
No. It sounds as though you have reached your point of high stress.
It may not be resolvable with this person...But it certainly isn't all your fault.
Your friend sounds needy and controlling. She isn't giving you the boundaries that you've asked for, nor the space and respect you need right now to focus on your school work and your personal life issues. She may have always been this way, but when you are at your stress level with school and deadlines, it adds more stress than normal.
You sound like you've tried to meet her needs to the point that you are on overload. I've experienced that, the only thing that helps at times is keeping your distance...Which is nearly impossible when you live together.
I've also been the "needy" friend before. It sucks to admit that...but everyone has a point in life it seems. A great friend once told me, when I was trying to spend time with her and she was very busy w/ school...."I am your friend, but I am not an available friend".
It worked, I took the hint, and really wasn't offended. Sometimes we do not know, when we are being needy...that we are coming across like an albatross...it's good to be reminded if that happens.
You might try a last ditch effort. I would try writing her a note about what you need regarding personal time, especially for your school which you cannot allow her to continue to interfere with.
She may need some support, or counseling or someone she can go sit with and talk to, right now that can't be you.
Just let her know that you want your friendship to be ok, (if you do) and that you'll eventually have more time and willingness to sit and talk about things as it is needed...it's just that you have got to stay focused on your paper and other goals right now and you don't have time to have long talks with no easy resolution.
Yeah, honestly, I've been the needy friend too and completely understand what it means to feel as though you don't have any friends or feel very isolated. The thing is though, you're right. I'm at a point where instead of wanting to try and sort things out with her, I just want to be left alone. She also has this tendency to assume everything is her fault and so like, for example, I was in a bad mood a week or so ago because I failed a test and a paper but she just assumed it had something to do with her because I didn't want to talk about my problems. I just don't understand why it's so hard to step back and say "There's probably something I don't know about going on" and leave someone alone.
I also have been listening to her be depressed since we were sophomores and at the time it was fine because I was depressed too and more emotionally available. But I'm a different person now. I need space and I need time to be alone. She acts out too because I won't look at her when she talks and I guess she feels invalidated? I don't know. It's just frustrating because I'll be spacing out or listening but staring out into space and she will passive aggressive comments about interrupting me or something and storm off.
Ugh, thank you so much for your comments. This whole situation is so draining.
You just described one of my sisters. She emotionally drains you every time she speaks...she rehashes every problem (sometimes embellishing depending on her anger level), she either blames everyone else or does the "poor me, everybody hates me" routine. She rambles, rinses, repeats...and she loves to go on and on. If I give her any honest input, then I'm against her and don't understand. If I try to support her, she thinks I always agree with her. I don't.
Sometimes I just don't want to talk, but she assumes I'm avoiding her. Well, guess what? After YEARS of this BS, I was avoiding her. Then I decided I wouldn't have any more of her outbursts and never knowing what would set her off, so I'm not in her life anymore. She's the only of my siblings that lives in the same state as me and I can't handle her. She drains the life out of me...and she gets pleasure from that.
Advice? When you can, move out. Until then, keep to yourself. If she asks you what's wrong, you can tell her that repeating the same argument is tiring. You'd rather (study, sleep, BE HAPPY) be by yourself for now. She'll get mad, but that's all about control, baby. I think the thought is if you won't join me, then I'll make you feel guilty. You've got to shut that down in your brain immediately. Don't be pulled in with crummy behavior and manipulation. If she learns, then great, but if not (and probably not), don't be a victim...that's what she wants...to pull you down with her.
Oh, how I recognize this behavior. Good luck...kick butt on your paper and look for a time when you can move away.
Go to the freaking library to do your studying or work on your papers. See if you can reserve a quiet room there.
Clearly, your roomie is lonely and seeking your attention, not to mention ....probably a really insecure person. In the future, if you're not mad at her and she thinks you are...be clear, "I am not mad at you. I just did a sh*tty job on my paper and got a sh*tty grade! I just need some quiet time so that I can focus on my current homework,so that I can pull my a$$ out of this hole I'm in." Just TELL her what's bugging you, otherwise the stuff compounds and festers.
BTW....friendships/relationships can BE just like you and your friend's. It seems like you have so much in common with someone, then either one of you changes, or you simply get to know them better and realize....."Whooooa, you are NOT the person I thought you were.....beFORE I got to know you better!!" Those relationships end. That is just life. People can seem fantastic, until you get to know them better. All of a sudden, they're not too fantastic anymore. LOL
You moved in with her and lost your filter. Talking to someone one the phine for 3 hours is differerent than having the same conversation in person where you pick up on each other's energy. Everyone hasbtheir ups and downs but this experience seems to bring out the worst instead of the best. It's not what friendship is. Try to salvage the friendship. Find something fun, positive, and preferably free you can do together outside the apt.
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