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Black has always been my best color to wear. When 1st DH died (years ago), I made an effort not to wear black. Then, I wore my fav black shirt - my mother criticizes me for "still wearing grieving clothes"
Location: West of the Catalinas East of the Tortolitas
4,922 posts, read 8,571,496 times
Reputation: 8044
Quote:
Originally Posted by CArizona
Good for you for spoiling yourself! I'm not ready to become a "social butterfly" right now either so I don't need tons of clothes.
I went on a spending spree about two years after Bob died and am still on it to some extent. I spent money on things I'll never need or use. I've been able to give some of these extravagances as wedding or shower gifts, housewarming gifts and Christmas gifts, so I guess it wasn't all in vain. The buying filled an emptiness in me, and still does. I can tell when I'm starting to hurt because I go on Ebay and charge it to Paypal. It's only when the bill comes that I am shocked at how much I've spent and on such stupid things.
I wasn't able to even feel Bob's loss for almost two and a half years after he died, as it took that long to sell the house, close down his law practice, move to AZ and finally settle the estate. By then, I almost had to force myself to cry. I had been holding in my grief, and "sucking it up" for so long, I couldn't feel it anymore. It took until the third anniversary for me to even accept he was gone, and until this past October, the 4th anniversary to begin to feel and hurt from the loss. I still haven't accepted it, and I still haven't processed it, but I've been forced to move forward. Like being given a 10 speed bike and expected to ride it when you never mastered the training wheels. I skipped too many steps, and I don't know how to go back and make them up.
My sister-in-law has always dressed nicely, in dressy tops and nice slacks, as she had her own business in Denver, so she gets on me for my "uniform" of jeans and tees, or jeans and sweatshirts. But, having lived on five acres in the mountains, 20 miles from the nearest town, I was a hermit, and dressed like one. Sweat pants and flannel shirts for 40 years except when I went to town. Fortunately, here in AZ, my "uniform" is acceptable, so I haven't yet invested in any new clothes, other than to replace jeans that wore out. I have logo t-shirts (Rockies, Broncos, Univ of Colo, etc.), and the same with sweatshirts (although not nearly needed in Tucson). I haven't worn a skirt since Bob's funeral, and I haven't worn a dress since my daughter's wedding in 1995. I gained 40 lbs after Bob died (ate my grief if I wasn't spending to satiate it), so I have several sizes of jeans and tees. I've lost 20 of the 40, but gravity and age have made it difficult to lose the last 20, and the weight has shifted. I don't really care, as I have absolutely no desire to date or be in any kind of relationship other than a platonic friendship. I still wear my wedding rings, and I'm glad they give off the wrong message. For me, it's the right message. I'm still taken.
Sorry this got so long.....I guess I needed to babble...
I think for a lot of women, continuing to wear a wedding band signals --"not interested." I have had folks tell me that it still hasn't stopped others from commenting about them not "moving on." The way I see it, that is no one's business--some people may be in a very good place with dealing with their grief, but still not be interested in another relationship.
Just because a person is ready to move on with constructing a life without her deceased spouse it doesn't mean she is ready for a new relationship. In fact, she may not be interested in a new relationship --ever!
Over the years, I have been surprised how many people have told me they have been criticized by friends for not "moving on" quickly enough. I find that so upsetting. Everyone is different. It is sad some folks feel they must judge a person who has lost his/her companion.
of course we do.... all I was saying is that its good that women dont wear heavy veils now or black for years..grief means adapting and adjusting and moving on, not being stuck in a costume to let the world know your circumstances.
That may be what it means for you. Others see it their way.
You have NO RIGHT to define what grief means to anyone but yourself.
WTH is the matter with some people?? Why do you need to attack another person over and over again just for their opinions??
Quote:
Originally Posted by CArizona
I know some people wonder why I haven't "moved-on" faster...This seems to be what's expected today. (Versus the past when society expected widows to stay in mourning for a long period of time.)...i have a male friend who keeps pointing out how other widows in our area have been dating for quite awhile now. (As if I'm a freak or weirdo because I don't want to date yet.)...I know he has "ulterior motives!" So I don't let what he says bother me...I'm not ready to "divorce" my husband and cast him aside right now. And I don't want a replacement...I still have grief to work through even though I don't walk around in black clothes with a veil over my face...Looks can be deceiving I guess. Maybe I should paint "widow in grief" across my forehead. And: "Leave me alone!"
I hear ya, CA.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Threestep
That may be what it means for you. Others see it their way.
How can there be discussion if there are no differing thoughts or opinions?
I did the same, Marcy. That's why so many things are still in the box. If I really needed or wanted them, they would be out of the box. Like my new VitaMix I ordered on QVC as TSV. It is on the kitchen counter already.
Yep, very happy with wearing my rings. Have you ever noticed how many people look to see if you are married? Even females do it. Of course I do it myself to others too. I started watching where people's eyes went when I first get to the registers. Usually eyes then left hand.
Location: West of the Catalinas East of the Tortolitas
4,922 posts, read 8,571,496 times
Reputation: 8044
Living here in a condo complex with lots of retired couples (lots of young marrieds with and without kids, too), the older, married women seem more comfortable when I talk about Bob, talk about being okay living alone, not wanting a relationship, and wearing my rings. A widow somehow seems like a desperate, sex-starved, man hungry woman who will steal husbands. I do not want anyone's husband...but it's been hard getting married women my age to trust me. Very sad....
I think for a lot of women, continuing to wear a wedding band signals --"not interested." I have had folks tell me that it still hasn't stopped others from commenting about them not "moving on." The way I see it, that is no one's business--some people may be in a very good place with dealing with their grief, but still not be interested in another relationship.
Just because a person is ready to move on with constructing a life without her deceased spouse it doesn't mean she is ready for a new relationship. In fact, she may not be interested in a new relationship --ever!
Over the years, I have been surprised how many people have told me they have been criticized by friends for not "moving on" quickly enough. I find that so upsetting. Everyone is different. It is sad some folks feel they must judge a person who has lost his/her companion.
I was divorced earlier in life. (When I was 27.)...Back then, I didn't always think in terms of remaining "single" for the rest of my life. But I'm in a completely different place today. I found my "soul-mate" and my best friend and "everlasting love.".. I didn't want my last marriage to end...And I know my husband didn't want to "go" and leave me either...Some widows or widowers don't want to look for a "replacement." And others do...You're right, we're all different. I know I have to "go on" and create a new life for myself. But this doesn't mean that I have to "go shopping" for a new mate! So what if I don't get married again!...I still have value and worth as a person even though I don't have a man right here by my side anymore...I don't want to start over with someone new. At least this is how I feel right now.
Living here in a condo complex with lots of retired couples (lots of young marrieds with and without kids, too), the older, married women seem more comfortable when I talk about Bob, talk about being okay living alone, not wanting a relationship, and wearing my rings. A widow somehow seems like a desperate, sex-starved, man hungry woman who will steal husbands. I do not want anyone's husband...but it's been hard getting married women my age to trust me. Very sad....
I have one friend who doesn't mind "sharing" her husband when it comes to car repairs or "fix-it jobs" or helping with tax forms, etc...My friend and her husband are secure in their love for each other...This is how I felt with my husband too. And this is how my Mom felt with my Dad...I wouldn't want to be in a relationship where I had to worry about someone "stealing" my husband "away!" YUK!!
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I've lost 20 of the 40, but gravity and age have made it difficult to lose the last 20, and the weight has shifted. I don't really care, as I have absolutely no desire to date or be in any kind of relationship other than a platonic friendship. I still wear my wedding rings, and I'm glad they give off the wrong message. For me, it's the right message. I'm still taken. 
