Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Okay, I will give the full scoop, even though I realize that it will cause heavy judgement to be passed, most likely, especially with some of the comments around here so far.
The roommates are a married couple, husband and wife. The former roommate was the husband's best friend and the wife's boyfriend--they're polyamorous. I am her girlfriend, and thus, also polyamorous. This is why I refer to them as "loved ones". This is obviously not something most people are familiar with nor something that many will accept without passing judgement or spewing hate speech, so it's not something I will typically go into great detail about.
I for one will not pass judgement on your lifestyle. You're all consenting adults so that's not for me or anyone else to judge.
Quote:
No, putting the two problem cats in another bedroom is not an option, because the only space that would do would be MY room, and I just cannot, for my own mental health, deal with having them in my Safe Space with me.
Then how about you help her rearrange her office or bedroom and move those 2 cats there? Or his bedroom? That should work once you move some of their "stuff" aside or pile it higher (no insult or pun intended) so a litterbox will fit.
Quote:
No, they are not mentally disabled, but they do deal with social anxiety among other things, and all the other things that come with having a median case of Asperger's. (As do I, for what it's worth.) They were willing to put up with the former roommate because he too didn't start out the way it ended, with the hoarding and stuff. He developed a degenerative spine disease and gradually allowed himself to become his disease, rather than stay himself and cope WITH the disease.
They were just trying to help him get help, and with their own blossoming issues weren't able to handle it at *all*. When she met me, I told her what I saw, flat out and to the point, and finally opened some eyes that had been closed by virtue of just a very gradual slip slide into badness. That's why the ex was kicked out--because I stepped in and said, "wait, whoa, wait... you're living in filth and clutter because of this man who won't let you help him, nor keep his end of the bargain about maintaining the house? Because why?".
I can't imagine why they put up with him and his Hoard at all... even passive people reach a point where they have to do something about such a person living with them.
Quote:
The cats have always used the Swheat Scoop just fine, they (the people) really do have some pretty severe sensitivities and the clay litters cause major problems for them. They found that this was a litter that the cats were okay with, several years ago. If clay litter were brought back in, the boxes would become MY sole responsibility, and I am not shouldering that along with everything else. Like everyone else has said, they are not MY pets and thus not my responsibility--I'm just trying to find out what I can do with what limitations I obviously have here to try to make it as good as I can.
I would much rather scoop litter boxes once a day than have to clean urine and poop all over the house, even if they weren't my cats. The man there, by what you say, is not so disabled he can't scoop the litter once or twice a day. My husband has fibromyalgia and is on heavy pain meds from his Dr. He is quite able to scoop litter pans, wash dishes, do laundry and other light household duties. There is no reason for you to have to carry the full load for this couple. Sooner or later you will have to find employment, then what?
Quote:
I finally had a breakdown yesterday with this, when not once, but twice, I went out into the kitchen to find a urine puddle on the stove. It's the jerk-cat, and I know she is doing it because of nervous and other anxiety issues, not territory, but even so, this is even more unacceptable than everything else. The husband was horrified and disgusted and suggested getting kitty Prozac for jerk-cat and the-floor-is-lava-cat.
Why didn't HE clean up the urine? You are indeed enabling these people if you do everything in the house. Please don't blame the cat as this is truly a sad and horrible situation for them. They didn't ask for this situation. Is all that work and responsibility worth free room and board? Even PAID live-in housekeepers aren't expected to carry such a heavy load.
Quote:
My girlfriend continues to be stubborn and insist "we" keep trying the Feliway for a month or two to see if it helps first. This is not going to fly because "we" means the same thing--me being the one to clean up the messes.
Can you make her understand that YOU will not clean up after her cats? That you find it disgusting and she or her husband will have to do it? When you agreed to move in with them I'm sure they didn't tell you the stressed out unhappy cats were YOUR job to clean up after. I believe these people are taking advantage of you and you, for our part, are not realizing you are being their enabler. This is not doing them any good.
And also, again, consider them hiring professionals to come in and clean and disinfect the house. I'm going to guess the walls all need painting, the rugs/carpets are shot and foul smelling, that it resembles the Hoarder's homes as seen on the TV Hoarder shows. Who is going to paint and repair and replace the carpeting? You may have gotten in over your head.
Quote:
So I've gone to a person who is very close to her and asked them to speak to her, because at this point we both believe she is being so steadfast about it not because she is stupid, but because she has a misplaced sense of responsibility and a fear of letting down the person who the cats belong to if she doesn't personally care for them.
But she's not "personally caring for them." She's hiding in her office and letting the unfortunate stressed-out cats do as they please. And from your past posts, she can't or wont supply enough litter boxes or scoop them herself.
Her office is tiny, no larger than the size of a bathroom, and *sigh* it's a whole thing about cleaning in there, she with her Asperger's and need to have her own zone and stuff, along with her mood disorder and anxiety problems, she freaks out if too much changes in there. It's getting cleaned up, but slowly. If I had free reign in there I'd have it cleaned from top to bottom, steam cleaned and cleaned out and organized and everything, in 8-10 hours. As it is, I've only just made some progress in there with getting out the old clothes she can't wear anymore (10 laundry loads' worth that had been pretty well peed all over) and it's taken me 3 months to get that far. HOWEVER, we did have a big knock down drag out blowout over it that of course she melted down over, freaking out and having a panic attack--but after she calmed down THAT is when she finally got all the clothes out. And since then things have been coming out of there regularly, trash, things to donate, etc... it's just a challenge working with someone like that. (And I respect her for what she is, does, and has, as I suffer the same things; she's just much worse than I am.)
Their bedroom is his "office" as he spends most of his time in bed there doing his site admin stuff on the work laptop. They can't keep their door closed to the bedroom to keep the 2 fosters in because their other 3 cats will freak out and meow and meow and scratch and ram the door.
He didn't clean up the pee because he was asleep. He takes this stuff called Cimzia, and another drug that I can't remember, alternately, and one of them really knocks him down for a few days, he's barely functional between the nausea and other side effects after he takes it. He will clean up the pee and poop, like I said, its just a matter of I'd have to wait, and I don't like to see pee soaking in or poop drying on the carpet for hours until he can get out of bed. Hubby finds it disgusting too but well, there is no gentler way to put it, he's totally whipped and so passive that he rarely does anything that will be even possibly something to upset her--including questioning her wisdom about these fosters. (Originally he DID tell her "No" but she said she "overrode him".)
Okay, look, let me make one thing straight here: I didn't come here to be mocked, to have my motivations questioned and made fun of. I came here for some ADVICE, that's it. Glad to see that the trolls from all corners of the world are alive and well to ply their trade here, too. IN A THREAD ABOUT CATS.
If all of those who come in here to tell me to get rid of the cats, to move out, to F**KING GAS AND KILL THE PEOPLE I LOVE would even BOTHER to read the rest of the replies here, I have EXPLAINED why I have moved here, in several places, and I have even explained in several places why things are such a mess (a FORMER roommate who was a hoarder, *FORMER*) and that I am almost done cleaning but am still working on some things.
I have EXPLAINED why my roommates are the way they are, their chronic health issues and the emotional crap they are having to work through after dealing with the former roommate and his hoard, his attitude and his emotional manipulation (things I have intentionally not gone into great detail about because those details are not PRUDENT to my question) and why I am willing to help them. I have even explained that they ARE helping, learning how to work around their limitations to do so, and that to date they had allowed things to get to this point because they felt HELPLESS and HOPELESS because this house was in no state to be MAINTAINED. It has to be gotten to that point first and I've done a DARN good job of getting it there over the last several weeks, thank you very much.
The cats are not going to be rehomed--at least not the original three. (BELIEVE ME, I want the 2 fosters OUT.) It wasn't always like this. As I mentioned before, the cats are all at least 8 years old. They've had the first 3 since they were kittens. My roommates? DIDN'T DEVELOP THE HEALTH ISSUES THEY HAD TILL AFTER THEY HAD GOTTEN THEIR PETS. It's been a gradual decline as tends to happen with chronic illnesses.
Is it really that impossible in this day and age to accept that there really are people out there that can see a great need for help and willingly roll up their sleeves and get to work to do so??
FFS, all I wanted was some advice with how to help make things better since I'm not a cat expert. Instead I get replies rife with sarcasm, willful ignorance, and just plain meanness.
Thanks guys. Thanks a lot. Easy to see now why it IS so hard to believe that there are still some people out there that are willing to be selfless in order to help others once in a while.
Honestly. You have gone from one abusive relationship to another imo. This is not to attack you, this is in hopes that you will take a look at this situation like we outsiders, you asked for some advice, you are getting it. The cats have to go, I would suggest all of them.
The folks who live there both work, the problem existed well before the two foster cats, obviously. They need to pay for a heavy duty cleaning crew, and perhaps home organizers and to be made aware of adaptive equipment to remedy things like not using a hamper??
You are complicit in this..rationalizing these roommates behaviors. Helping is different than doing it for them and enabling the problems to continue. There are many websites and programs that would be local to your location...here are just a couple I found. Research your own county, state.
You are describing your illnesses, which I believe that you are all suffering some illnesses, but the cat and the filth are exacerbating all your illnesses.
I do not see things working out when you've described not being able to stand longer than 15 minutes, plus your anxiety and other issues. It is like you are taking two steps forward and one back. But, unless drastic measures are taken to clean this mess of a house up you'll never get to the "maintaining" level.
You say that you've been there a month...the messes and hoarding that you describe didn't happen in a month. The working roommates need to hire a cleaning crew. That should have happened before you moved in.
I see that the other "ex" roommate is catching all the blame...But, take a look..that roommate is gone...But the situation is the same...denial is not easy to overcome but your roommates are in denial big time. They will be blaming you next. If you continue to make excuses you are volunteering for this.
That is typical co-dependent behavior. Typically when we leave abusive relationships we are also very co-dependent. A support group would help you a lot imo...here is also a web link to read and check for resources. Take care of you, the rest will follow. Mental Health America: Co-dependency
The husband works and brings in an income; my girlfriend, while a published author, brings in little to no income aside from what small royalties she gets from her book sales. Due to having had no insurance till recently, they really cannot afford to have professional anything come in to do much; they both have fibromyalgia and rheumatoid arthritis, and several other immuno-disorders. Migraines, depression, anxiety--you name it, they cope with it. And they were having to run up major medical bills for years and are deeply in debt from it--there isn't much money to spare as they now try to very slowly play catch-up.
Oh, that is sad. Medical bills can be killers.
Quote:
No, at present I am not able to work. In addition to my own mental health issues, I have degenerative disc disease and cannot stand unaided for more than a few minutes. Since I can't be on my feet for more than 15 minutes at a time without needing to sit or lean, I can't find work that requires that; and since I am dealing with my mental health issues, which include horrible social anxiety, most sit down jobs that I am qualified for are out the door, too. I'm being encouraged by my doctor to go on disability.
It's not so easy to get on it anymore. You may have to wait as long as 2 years before getting a cheque. If you have degenerative disk disease you shouldn't be doing any heavy housework. Check with your Dr on that.
Quote:
Till then, I have no real income of my own save for foodstamps, and thus the room and board thing would normally be ideal, since I am capable of housecleaning and cooking (and they don't object to the fact that it takes me longer than most because of my issues)--just the cats thing is making it Very Bad.
Understandable. But the cat issue can be CURED if you follow the suggestions people have made here. People would pay you decent money to clean their homes and apts and do the cooking. Most of the time you wont see much of them. As long as it gets done you don't have to be the fastest horse in the race. Have you considered that option?
They aren't happy with how things have been, and they aren't happy with themselves for letting it get to this point. Everything else in the house is getting better, really, it is, it's amazing the difference in just a few weeks' time--but the cats thing is a whole other angle that has to be addressed.
But are YOU willing to address the problems in the house causing the cats to do what they're doing if the owner is not? That is getting rid of the Hoard and making room for more litterboxes for one thing.... I'm getting the feeling you don't want to make an effort to remove the cause of the cat's lack of using the litterboxes. Am I right? Do you even like cats in general?
I am almost singlehandedly responsible for the removal of the entire hoard that was in this house. It was close to 2 large Uhaul trucks full of actual items, and several UHaul trailers worth of trash. The ex roommate did help to sort through what was his and what was theirs, but I'd say 80% of the rest of it was something I took care of.
I have been picking things up, throwing things away, donating other things. I have steam cleaned and done urine neutralizing and swept and mopped and scrubbed. You can't say that I'm not making an effort to remove the causes.
I had my own cat back in Florida. I miss her very much. I wanted to bring her with me but I knew it wouldn't be wise until the situation in this home was settled. I still think about bringing her here, and keeping her just down here with me, where it is clean and calm--because I am used to my cat, she is not spazzy, she is not a big time jumper, she goes in the box and she is one of the most mellow critters I've ever met. I will never do it though; not unless I can get things in an acceptable state here first.
I just couldn't bear to bring her into this situation until it was better; so see, some of us are able of making decisions that are best for the pets, and not for the sake of the owner that just "wants".
Her office is tiny, no larger than the size of a bathroom, and *sigh* it's a whole thing about cleaning in there, she with her Asperger's and need to have her own zone and stuff, along with her mood disorder and anxiety problems, she freaks out if too much changes in there. It's getting cleaned up, but slowly. If I had free reign in there I'd have it cleaned from top to bottom, steam cleaned and cleaned out and organized and everything, in 8-10 hours. As it is, I've only just made some progress in there with getting out the old clothes she can't wear anymore (10 laundry loads' worth that had been pretty well peed all over) and it's taken me 3 months to get that far.
Are you sure all she has is Aspergers? It sounds like she has more than that, more serious mental issues. From all you've posted, this is a very unhealthy environment for you and the cats both. The stress will never end for you as long as you live there. Even if you get the place cleaned up. It will never be "your home" where you will feel comfortable and be at ease. These people themselves are a form of Hoarder, going by what you write. Anyone with 10 laundry loads of dirty stinking clothes in the room they hang out in is a bad sign. The husband, still able to be active, should have done them, even if a load a day or week, long before they built up that amount. And the poor cats are forced to live in such filth and stench. This is not a good situation for you. I don't believe it will work in the long run.
Quote:
HOWEVER, we did have a big knock down drag out blowout over it that of course she melted down over, freaking out and having a panic attack--but after she calmed down THAT is when she finally got all the clothes out. And since then things have been coming out of there regularly, trash, things to donate, etc... it's just a challenge working with someone like that. (And I respect her for what she is, does, and has, as I suffer the same things; she's just much worse than I am.)
Can you deal with this indefinitely? Will it be a big knock down drag out blowout over issue after issue, just to keep the place clean and the cats properly cared for? What will this do to your mental health?
Quote:
Their bedroom is his "office" as he spends most of his time in bed there doing his site admin stuff on the work laptop. They can't keep their door closed to the bedroom to keep the 2 fosters in because their other 3 cats will freak out and meow and meow and scratch and ram the door.
He didn't clean up the pee because he was asleep. He takes this stuff called Cimzia, and another drug that I can't remember, alternately, and one of them really knocks him down for a few days, he's barely functional between the nausea and other side effects after he takes it. He will clean up the pee and poop, like I said, its just a matter of I'd have to wait, and I don't like to see pee soaking in or poop drying on the carpet for hours until he can get out of bed.
Since they don't mind living like that, in a virtual pigpen, is it possible you stay in your own space, your own room and let them live as they like? Just do basic cleaning and ignore the cat's feces and urine when you leave your room. If they will not part with the cats and care for them properly, what options do you have? You will not CHANGE people like them unless they receive extensive intensive therapy which they are not getting. Your options in the end are to learn to live as they do, or find another place where you can live in peace in a clean sanitary environment. They're not doing you any favors allowing you to live there.
Quote:
Hubby finds it disgusting too but well, there is no gentler way to put it, he's totally whipped and so passive that he rarely does anything that will be even possibly something to upset her--including questioning her wisdom about these fosters. (Originally he DID tell her "No" but she said she "overrode him".)
You my dear, are in a horrible situation that I hope you manage to escape as soon as possible....
OP, you have my sincere sympathy. Years ago I lived with a hoarder and did not have the emotional resources to deal with the situation effectively. It wasn't nearly as severe as whatat you are dealing with, but I will never forget how helpless I felt during that time.
I need to second Jan's suggestion of looking into codependency. If there is any way you can get to a Codependents Anonymous meeting, I think you would be greatly helped. I'd also ask if your doctors are aware of your situation and if they have any suggestions for dealing with it.
I know you aren't the decision-maker regarding cats in your household, but I can't imagine any way of caring properly for 5 felines given the circumstances. Those in your home will eventually need to face this.
She has Asperger's, generalized anxiety disorder, PMDD, Bipolar II, and has a lot of other mental things she deals with that stem from a terribly abusive childhood and SEVERAL badly abusive relationships. So yes, it's more than just Asperger's. She knows she's got issues, and she does try. She keeps up with her medication admirably well, better than I do, as much as I hate to admit that. She doesn't fight everything else I do--only has personal, stress-reactions to invading her "personal space" in that tiny office, and is being headstrong about the cats because of her misguided sense of being responsible for someone else's problem.
I know I have issues with co-dependency. It's obvious and it's no big secret, lol. They know I do too. Frankly they actually tell me to stop doing so much around here at such a frantic pace, and have stepped in to make me stop what I'm doing quite often, because "it didn't get like this in a day, it's not going to be undone in one either. While we appreciate what you are doing for us more than we can ever express, we aren't going to let you do yourself harm. If you stopped doing anything today, and never did another thing, we would be perfectly fine with that, because nobody else has ever cared enough to actually step in and help, and you've done more than we ever thought possible.".
Hubby helps move furniture, take out garbage, he does the dishes, he's helped me sort through a crapton of stuff, load up all the recycling, etc... I just tend to move more quickly as I get into Cleaning Demon mode. I'm very much a Turbo Boost person when it comes to taking care of things that need taking care of; they are more "slow and steady" as they have learned that Turbo Boost hurts them. Unfortunately it seems that Turbo Boost also hurts me now (the back problems being this severe are new, within the last 6 months or so) and so it's not easy for me to adapt, either.
I know right now that emotionally and mentally for me it's not the healthiest environment. Sadly, it's far better than where I was before by far, which was in a relationship with a man who put me down, belittled me, manipulated me, insulted me and even toward the end, sexually assaulted me. My girlfriend is one of those who actually helped me to see that I was in a horrid situation that I needed to escape from, instead of just accepting my lot in life with him.
No judgement from me regarding your lifestyle - but I'd agree with others , I think that you've exchanged one abusive relationship for another.
It doens't matter if the roommates are unwilling to take care of their cats or if the are unable because of medical issues - the fact of the matter is that the cats aren't being taken care of and it is too much for one person (you). By refusing to get rid of some of the cats - your girlfriend is choosing the cats over you. Period. This isn't a healthy relationship - your roommate is aware of your own physical limitations and the distress this situation is causing you, and yet still refuses to rehome the new cats?
Please consider talking to someone about co-dependancy. You sound like a decent , caring person who deserves so much better....
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Is all that work and responsibility worth free room and board? Even PAID live-in housekeepers aren't expected to carry such a heavy load. 
