Help: She is having second thoughts about Austin (San Antonio, Spring: fit in, spring break)

[seanpaul]

Hi everyone! I have been dating a very wonderful woman for quite some time now and will hopefully have her as a wife one day down the road (but hey, that's a different discussion!). We met in North Dakota and we both very much disliked the cold, barren state's lack of excitement and opportunity. I decided to take fate into my own hands and move to Austin, TX to get a good-paying tech job and start scouting around for nice schools and places to live. We figured out some good timing for her to follow me down and decide on a nice condo or whatever seems right at the time (this summer).

Everything was going swimmingly until today she said she's having real doubts about moving to Texas. She can't say why, really, without just listing a bunch of things she doesn't really care about: she hates bugs and the heat and she's always lived close to her parents and the crime rate is worse and this and that.. I can tell she is just nervous about moving and worried because she hasn't experienced life outside of North Dakota.

We are renters (hey, we're still young!) so property taxes, housing market, etc are of no concern. She's in college, majoring in Chemistry and I imagine she would get a better education here, even at a state school. I am having a hard time explaining the quality of life difference to someone who has never lived on their own outside of the "Upper Midwest." Also, I was making $7/hr in ND and here in TX it's more like $80K/year--and the cost of living is higher in ND! We both know the numbers, but it's just not putting her mind at ease.

I totally understand the anxiety (and I hate leaving friends and family behind, even if I know it's for the better in the long run and I can visit down the road) but I'm positive she'll love it once we get settled in and adjusted. We both dig live music and this is the best place in the world for it, after all! It's wonderful here in Austin and I love it but my enthusiasm isn't contagious enough -- help me out, everyone! How should I go about convincing her that the move is for the better?

Short version:
You gotta help me! I love her and want to share my excitement for Austin and our future together in Hill Country without downplaying her concerns about leaving North Dakota.

[Skytripper]

I MIGHT be of a little assistance.

Funny it is........my wife is from North Dakota as well and I GREW UP in Texas!
Met in Colorado.

OK.......at this point you are not married so this is also a real good opportunity for the two of you to REALLY get to SEE the other's characters and how well you each deal with LIFE and all the decisions that go with it.

A real challenge.....BUT:

I completely understand your point of view. Myself and my wife have both gone to live in various places.......for the other's interests and despite how we felt individually. Yes, it can and does pose problems if one or the other is just NOT willing to give something a chance.

It's a no-brainer to me in your situation.....but if you actually HAVE the opportunity to increase your salary from $7.00/hr in ND.....to $80K/yr. in Austin, TX........well, you really gotta capitalize on such good fortune and DO IT......LIVE in TEXAS with or without her, BUT...........

GIVE HER SPACE and TIME..........My wife has never truly ENJOYED ANYPLACE we have ever lived that was so far away from ANY of her family and that has caused me depression and made it difficult for ME to enjoy life to the fullest where I KNOW I could have been truly happy!
$80K/yr. also has NEVER been a reality for either of us.

Ask her to give it a shot in Texas with you and allow her the freedom to VISIT her family as much as you can possibly afford to do so. Look into airfares from Austin to Minneapolis/ on to North Dakota.......or any direct to Fargo/GF/Bismarck or ??? OR try to convince her family/favorite family member to come VISIT and SEE Austin, TX and the Hill Country together........GET OUT TOGETHER and truly see the sights.....also....the Riverwalk in San Antonio......totally a romantic deal! South Padre......just NOT during Spring Break.......as I would find myself in trouble fast there with my wife.........TOO MANY bikinis distracting my attention is a sure way for me to ......well, jeopardize things.

Whatever you do.........IF you truly love her.......YOUR PATIENCE will forever be tested and you HAVE to ACCEPT that ONLY the passage of TIME........IS likely to work in your favor......IF you can truly be patient and ALLOW her the FREEDOM.......we ALL so desperately hold dear.....you got it going and things seem to be more likely.....a better-case scenario for 'ya.

There are plenty of bugs in North Dakota and it gets pretty darn hot there too, in the summer.....and a HELLUVA LOT COLDER than Texas in the winter!

Let her know........LIFE IS A TRIP........an experience, and NO place ever has to be permanent or forever. Either way.......YOU....and ONLY YOU....ARE solely responsible for YOU and YOURSELF in this world.......and IF your "gut feeling" tells YOU that this move was the BEST thing for YOU..........then you know it IS.......ENJOY Texas with or without her!

EVERYTHING IS a compromise in a relationship......and in this case, it appears it is HER who truly NEEDS to compromise. If not, you may need to move on. There ARE PLENTY of gorgeous babes in Texas.....no doubt about it!

Who knows....you may only be in Texas a year? five? Longer......TIME will tell!
Or on to somewhere else......maybe back to Dakotaland.

Good Luck and don't stress too bad about any of it!
Peace

[achtungpv]

Dump her. It sounds like you are adventurous and she's definitely not. If she's college-age and can't get away from her parents and comfort zone now, it'll just get worse the older she gets. Her reasons are just excuses to stay in that zone. Even if you did convince her to move, after she's done with school and you get married, you'll end up stuck in ND working for $10/hr the rest of your life to be near the in-laws.

[love roses]

I like what Skytripper says. When I lived in Colorado, I worked with 2 girls from North Dakota. They both moved there because there was more going on and it wasn't as cold, but one of them eventually got really homesick and moved back. I think it had a lot to do with the support systems they each had in Colorado. They were different ages. One was in her early 20's and the other was 18. The youngster is the one who ended up homesick. The older one had definite ideas of where she wanted her life to go. Basically that's why I second Skytripper.

[seanpaul]

Yes, it can and does pose problems if one or the other is just NOT willing to give something a chance.

It sure can! When I was young, my family moved from California to New Mexico because my mother wanted to go there so badly. My father was miserable for years and it really made him a different person. Once I moved out they got divorced and he moved back--now he's the happy guy I remember from before! I wouldn't want to put someone else through that but honestly I don't see how you could be that depressed moving to a nice suburb near a big city. I would, however, be devastated if forced to live just one more year in the middle of nowhere, North Dakota.

It's a no-brainer to me in your situation....LIVE in TEXAS with or without her

Yes, it's that thinking that's gotten us where we are today

I'm handing her the chance to be comfortable, to attend school, work if she wants to, enjoy city life... to me, that would be a dream! Get out of ND and have no worries? Sign me up! She said for over a year she was dying to move and it was just a matter of time.

Look into airfares from Austin to Minneapolis/ on to North Dakota

It gets very expensive flying her home because the last leg (Minneapolis to North Dakota) always adds >$300. So tickets are anywhere from $425 to $600, depending on various factors. However, I imagine she would be able to visit he family at least 3 times a year..

also....the Riverwalk in San Antonio......totally a romantic deal!

I've also thought about taking her to the Oasis here in Austin. Any other local highlights we should hit? I have convinced her to come down in a few weeks to visit for 5 days and then make a decision after that. I hope she'll see that she's just afraid of the unknown and there's really nothing to worry about down here.

There are plenty of bugs in North Dakota and it gets pretty darn hot there too, in the summer.....and a HELLUVA LOT COLDER than Texas in the winter!

I know it's not all about numbers and such, but let's compare anyway!
Where we lived in ND // Austin TX:
9 // 50 average temp in January
62 // 80 average temp in June
1 // 27 colleges with over 2,000 students
46 // 45 rape incidents per 100,000 people
$182,200 // $135,100 for the average new house
60% // 42% voted for G. W. Bush
etc..

[austifornian]

Just back off a little.

Get her to commit to come down for the entire summer, no strings attached. If she wants to go back to ND to school in the fall, so be it. That is a long enough time period for her to get to know Austin and decide if she is willing to be there.

You are making good money so invest in some plane tickets. Commit that once a month you will take a long weekend and fly to ND and once a month buy her a plane ticket to TX. Even an ice storm in Austin is going to feel like springtime in ND! If you can swing it, get her parents to fly down for a long weekend too.

This will accomplish two things. It will give her a good feeling of Austin and how she would fit into it and will make her realize that she is not sailing to a foreign country and burning the boats on the beach.

[jread]

If there is anything I've learned in life, it's that you cannot control other people. You have to do what is going to make you happy and improve your life. If the person you love wants the same things and wants to join you on your journey, then that is fantastic. If they do not, then that is ok too. There are other people in this world who would be happy to join you.

I like the suggestion above about asking her to live with you for the summer. She can always go back to ND if she hates it here (and you will have a lot more money to fly her home to see her family). Don't live in a place you hate just for someone else, and at the same time, don't force someone else to live in a place they hate. Life is way too short to not be happy.

[seanpaul]

I like the suggestion above about asking her to live with you for the summer.

I would totally do that but, as always, it's complex. Her family can't visit anytime soon, as they are in a rough patch right now. She can't visit for more than a few days at a time because she has a son. The long weekend visit coming up is the best we could arrange (5 days).

[austin-steve]

Everything was going swimmingly until today she said she's having real doubts about moving to Texas.

Well, if you called into the Dr. Laura show with that statement, she'd tell you, and I would agree, that it's you she's having doubts about, not Texas.

Move on with your life and invite her to come along, but don't hang your future and a great opportunity on the shoulders of someone with doubts. If she truly loves you, she won't let you get away that easy.

Steve

[seanpaul]

Hmm, perhaps that is a line of reasoning I should think about. I sure hope it's not true =\