Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
It puzzles me when women don't prepare for this. Statistics have shown that we often outlive our men. And in some marriages the man is older so there's already a head start there.
I subscribed to the prepare for the worst but hope for the best camp. I based our finances on only having one income so that whoever was left standing would be okay. Anything over that I invested. Hopefully we would to be old geezers together but that didnt happen. So when my husband passed away I was financially prepared.
I have a friend (now 81) whose husband did EVERYTHING for her in the stereotypical "husband" department: He always drove, put gas in the car, handled car and house maintenance, paid the bills, etc. When he got lung cancer, she tried broaching the topic of learning at least about their finances and paying the bills. He said, "You won't ever have to worry about a thing" -- meaning she'd have no financial worries. So he dies and she still has no clue. She literally goes out of her way to find the one gas station in town that still pumps gas for you. Luckily, she has a trustworthy cousin who helps her with the finances and computer. I guess having been on my own for so many years, I just can't imagine being in this situation. He did her no favors not teaching her.
I have a friend (now 81) whose husband did EVERYTHING for her in the stereotypical "husband" department: He always drove, put gas in the car, handled car and house maintenance, paid the bills, etc. When he got lung cancer, she tried broaching the topic of learning at least about their finances and paying the bills. He said, "You won't ever have to worry about a thing" -- meaning she'd have no financial worries. So he dies and she still has no clue. She literally goes out of her way to find the one gas station in town that still pumps gas for you. Luckily, she has a trustworthy cousin who helps her with the finances and computer. I guess having been on my own for so many years, I just can't imagine being in this situation. He did her no favors not teaching her.
The blame should be equal. She wasn't always 81. What happened in the 70s and 80s and 90s when she was young and capable of at least learning what was going on? I don't buy that her husband refused to share any information with her at all especially in prior decades going back half a century. And if he did, she should have taken the initiative to learn some of these things on her own. She probably enjoyed being taken care of and never having to put gas in the car, or being involved in paying the bills among other things. That's all in hindsight now.
That's why I try to keep up to date practice wise on the stuff my husband always does. Including pulling the 5th wheel and hitching/unhitching it. I still have to learn how to use the riding mower... I do all the finances, he is capable of that, but he has no idea who has one of our 401(k) and other investments. I tell him... but I know he doesn't remember.
I also have a plan if DH passes before me as I will lose a good chunk of monthly income. It's important to plan in advance because it is hard to make wise decisions when you are grieving.
__________________ ____________________________________________
My posts as a Mod will always be in red.
Be sure to review Terms of Service: TOS
And check this out: FAQ
Moderator: Relationships Forum / Hawaii Forum / Dogs / Pets / Current Events
That's why I try to keep up to date practice wise on the stuff my husband always does. Including pulling the 5th wheel and hitching/unhitching it. I still have to learn how to use the riding mower... I do all the finances, he is capable of that, but he has no idea who has one of our 401(k) and other investments. I tell him... but I know he doesn't remember.
I also have a plan if DH passes before me as I will lose a good chunk of monthly income. It's important to plan in advance because it is hard to make wise decisions when you are grieving.
The riding mower should be your priority because that's a fun one
The riding mower should be your priority because that's a fun one
I also do not remember how to blow the irrigation lines for winter, despite being shown 3 times.
I've been slacking.
__________________ ____________________________________________
My posts as a Mod will always be in red.
Be sure to review Terms of Service: TOS
And check this out: FAQ
Moderator: Relationships Forum / Hawaii Forum / Dogs / Pets / Current Events
I have a friend (now 81) whose husband did EVERYTHING for her in the stereotypical "husband" department: He always drove, put gas in the car, handled car and house maintenance, paid the bills, etc. When he got lung cancer, she tried broaching the topic of learning at least about their finances and paying the bills. He said, "You won't ever have to worry about a thing" -- meaning she'd have no financial worries. So he dies and she still has no clue. She literally goes out of her way to find the one gas station in town that still pumps gas for you. Luckily, she has a trustworthy cousin who helps her with the finances and computer. I guess having been on my own for so many years, I just can't imagine being in this situation. He did her no favors not teaching her.
This happens a lot in marriages. One spouse takes over the bill paying, yard work and home maintenance and the other spouse does the errands, the bulk of the childcare - including running kids to the pediatrician and orthodontist-, house keeping, cooking.
Back not too long ago there was at least a check book registry that the non bill paying spouse could reference. Now the bill paying is all electronic and "paperless" and there is no file cabinet with monthly statements.
The bill payer is used to their system and the non bill payer is happy in their ignorance. It all works fine until very suddenly it doesn't.
It is in BOTH spouse's best interests to keep each other informed as to how bills are paid and when they are paid.
The blame should be equal. She wasn't always 81. What happened in the 70s and 80s and 90s when she was young and capable of at least learning what was going on? I don't buy that her husband refused to share any information with her at all especially in prior decades going back half a century. And if he did, she should have taken the initiative to learn some of these things on her own. She probably enjoyed being taken care of and never having to put gas in the car, or being involved in paying the bills among other things. That's all in hindsight now.
I posted this before that my mother's best friend was like that. Fred took care of everything. Then one day she went to tell Fred it was time for dinner, and Fred was dead on the couch in front of the TV. Fred had his own insurance business and left her well-provided-for, but a month or so after he died, the wife called my mom in a panic. She'd gotten a bill for her property taxes, and it was for thousands of dollars. Well, yeah. She lived in Bergen County, NJ, where everybody's quarterly bill is going to be for thousands of dollars.
It turned out she had no idea how much their property tax was. Or the cost of utilities and maintaining the house or the cars or ANYTHING, because she'd never in the 50 years they were married written a check or looked at a bill for any of this stuff.
My mother, who dropped out of high school but always handled the family finances, spent a week with her going over her bank accounts, finances, bills, etc., organizing them for her and teaching this woman in her 70s how to pay her bills.
Years later, Mom got a call from another friend who'd bought a new car. "Can you come over and show me how to use the things on the dashboard? You're so smart, you can figure it out."
It is seriously hard to believe how people allow themselves to get in that position, but they still do. A few years ago, I went to a writing retreat in another state with a woman I'd befriended at work. We left New Jersey for the six hour trip, and on the way up through NY State we had to stop for gas. She was driving. Pulled into a station in upstate NY, and there she sat. I told her no one was coming out to fill her tank. Her eyes got wide and she said, "Oh no, do YOU know how to pump gas? I've never done that!" I told her I could show her how but she laughed and said no, you just do it. So I did. But come on.
I posted this before that my mother's best friend was like that. Fred took care of everything. Then one day she went to tell Fred it was time for dinner, and Fred was dead on the couch in front of the TV. Fred had his own insurance business and left her well-provided-for, but a month or so after he died, the wife called my mom in a panic. She'd gotten a bill for her property taxes, and it was for thousands of dollars. Well, yeah. She lived in Bergen County, NJ, where everybody's quarterly bill is going to be for thousands of dollars.
It turned out she had no idea how much their property tax was. Or the cost of utilities and maintaining the house or the cars or ANYTHING, because she'd never in the 50 years they were married written a check or looked at a bill for any of this stuff.
My mother, who dropped out of high school but always handled the family finances, spent a week with her going over her bank accounts, finances, bills, etc., organizing them for her and teaching this woman in her 70s how to pay her bills.
Years later, Mom got a call from another friend who'd bought a new car. "Can you come over and show me how to use the things on the dashboard? You're so smart, you can figure it out."
It is seriously hard to believe how people allow themselves to get in that position, but they still do. A few years ago, I went to a writing retreat in another state with a woman I'd befriended at work. We left New Jersey for the six hour trip, and on the way up through NY State we had to stop for gas. She was driving. Pulled into a station in upstate NY, and there she sat. I told her no one was coming out to fill her tank. Her eyes got wide and she said, "Oh no, do YOU know how to pump gas? I've never done that!" I told her I could show her how but she laughed and said no, you just do it. So I did. But come on.
A lot of the time the bill paying spouse is reluctant to have their spouse in the loop because they do not want to be second guessed about the way the household budget is being managed. And, quite frankly, the non bill paying spouse gets used to that part being handled.
Hopefully, the bill paying spouse is keeping a notebook with all of the bills that are being paid and how they are being paid, including any passwords the spouse might need to access their accounts.
Think about how difficult it would be to walk over to your neighbor's house and try to figure out their finances and account information - with no guidance. Would you know how many credit cards they have or if their car is paid off or if they still have a mortgage or how they pay their property tax? Of course not. Now imagine if you had little knowledge about your own household finances. It would be an extremely scary thing for the non bill paying spouse to try to figure out and while they are in the midst of dealing with their spouse's death or, even worse, dealing with a cognitively incapacitated spouse after a major medical event.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
