Moving away from adult children (beach, Canada, cousin, kiss)
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Ifa I'm not quite sure why you posted on this thread since you don't have children, let alone adult children.... it seems you had issues with your dad moving away from your area when you were 20, so perhaps that is why?
I noticed you seemed to resent that your dad moved to be near his second wife's family. Maybe your issues are more tied to your parents divorce than the fact that your dad moved? Did you resent your dad's "new wife" (your step-mom?)? For you to say you didn't get to "know" your dad as an adult speaks volumes to me. It's a two way street, at age 20 you were hardly a child. If it was purely him being dismissive then yes that would be very sad, however I suspect there is more to the story there.
Family dynamics play an important role. Why would your siblings not help with your mother? Again, you blame proximity but I think it probably had more to do with family dynamics. If a family isn't close I highly doubt it's due to proximity and it's much more likely there was some kind of dysfunction long before anybody moved.
In my case, my son will be 27 when I move. We're close and I don't see that changing, we will never become "strangers". I fully expect him to move from this area at some point as the economy sucks here, and I certainly want him to experience more than just OHIO.
I shouldn't have used my personal experiences as illustrations. I was describing my observations of our society. Americans are so wrapped up in their technology and their entertainment, I think relationships are becoming weak. And I doubt I'm the only one noticing this.
I recognized your tone and have heard it many times. No big deal, we can all visit each other or skype. I don't agree. I think it is a big deal, just another thing that Americans don't like to acknowledge.
Did you hear that millions of Americans are now taking anti-depressants? Don't you ever wonder why? Maybe the disregard for close personal ties is part of it.
I sometimes think Americans prefer to live vicariously, by watching sitcoms and reality shows. They don't want any "drama" in their real lives, because they get plenty of that on TV.
Proximity is a common excuse - almost always. Most children will not interrupt their lives to travel a long distance and stay away from home for an extended period to care for a sick parent - due to jobs, family responsibilities and a myriad of other reasons, including, if you can believe it, sick pets.
I had a 90 y/o uncle (wife in nursing home), both now dead, who ended up in the hospital on New Year's Eve a few years ago. The neighbor called the paramedics. Son had visited briefly and left because he was in a big hurry to get home 250 mi. away for a NY Eve party. His father was sick, but he couldn't miss that party. Neighbor stopped in a hour after son left and found my uncle on the floor unconscious. I ended up going to the hospital that NYEve when I got a call from the daughter in Michigan who had received a call from the neighbor.
You give children too much credit. They are not all alike. That said, long distances between parents and children should be avoided when parents get up in age. I saw it first hand with my aunt and uncle. Son 250 miles away, daughter 10 hours away by car and sickly herself (now deceased). Last few years as they both approached 90 were not good. It was a burden on the children - guilt trip - and stressful for the frail/elderly. In this case, parents refused to move near daughter and daughter, b/c of husband's job and her own family, could not move back to town nor come here very often. Same for her brother 250 mi. away. I intend to stay near my son for that reason because I saw how hard the distance was on everyone - but I am single. If married, I'd think differently until I got MUCH older.
I don't think when you get really old and frail it is a good idea to be far from family. It just isn't.
I don't think parents should move away from their children and grandchildren for no good reason (unless they are rich enough to be able to visit whenever they want). On the other hand, I don't think the reason should be so their children can take care of them. Intense full time caregiving can destroy your children's lives, and everything they may have worked long and hard for.
I don't think parents should move away from their children and grandchildren for no good reason (unless they are rich enough to be able to visit whenever they want). On the other hand, I don't think the reason should be so their children can take care of them. Intense full time caregiving can destroy your children's lives, and everything they may have worked long and hard for.
Oh, I agree with that. In this case, it was the kids who had moved away. Both forced to for employment reasons. My point was the situation I had described became extremely stressful because of the distance - much harder on the offspring, the daughter & her husband, than the parents, actually. Full-time caregiving was not my thought, but just the everyday management of an ill parent - in or out of the hospital, assisted living, financial and legal affairs is so much easier if long-distance is out of the equation.
For me, I am not that attached to son and dil, but at the same time my aunt/uncle's refusal to move near the daughter made things very hard on the daughter and her husband and made me realize the importance of not being too far away from family should I deteriorate to that level.
I don't like to inconvenience people. It is a matter of consideration and respect. That was my point. The elders in this case should have moved years ago. They were very attached to that daughter and her children anyway. The isolation of the elders at the end and strain on the daughter was very sad. My aunt died alone in the nursing home. I was staying with my sister who had just had emergency major heart surgery and couldn't be left - an extremely stressful situation, as well. Aunt just withdrew into herself and eventually died. Daughter in MI, son in northern WI.
Last edited by Ariadne22; 06-02-2011 at 06:08 PM..
For me, I am not that attached to son and dil, but at the same time my aunt/uncle's refusal to move near the daughter made things very hard on the daughter and her husband and made me realize the importance of not being too far away from family should I deteriorate to that level.
I don't like to inconvenience people. It is a matter of consideration and respect. That was my point. The elders in this case should have moved years ago. They were very attached to that daughter and her children anyway. The isolation of the elders at the end and strain on the daughter was very sad. My aunt died alone in the nursing home. I was staying with my sister who had just had emergency major heart surgery and couldn't be left - an extremely stressful situation, as well. Aunt just withdrew into herself and eventually died. Daughter in MI, son in northern WI.
Ariadne, why do you think your aunt and uncle refused to move to be near their daughter? Did they state a reason, or would you have to guess at the reason? Did their daughter encourage them to move, and they just refused? Did they have long-time friends and activities that they didn't want to give up? Or were they just the type of people who didn't want any change in their lives?
Ariadne, why do you think your aunt and uncle refused to move to be near their daughter?
Didn't want to leave their house.
Did they state a reason, or would you have to guess at the reason?
Not guessing. Just didn't want to do it.
Did their daughter encourage them to move, and they just refused?
She encouraged them numerous times to make the move. Whenever they would visit, she took them to various living facilities in her city.
Did they have long-time friends and activities that they didn't want to give up?
Everyone dead.The next door neighbor took care of them pretty much. She loved my uncle, didn't like my aunt who was very cantankerous. Uncle died first. Aunt lingered in nursing home two years after his death.
Or were they just the type of people who didn't want any change in their lives?
Didn't want change. Too old. 80s and stubborn. My uncle would have gone, but my aunt said no. She ruled the roost.
Talk to Robyn about stubborn old people. She's been dealing with them for decades.
Talk to Robyn about stubborn old people. She's been dealing with them for decades.
Thanks. There is nothing more fascinating and more inexplicable than other people, particularly old people who would rather suffer than change. Hope I never get that way.
"Our kids who are currently in Denver and Pasadena can come visit us."
From someone who had relatives move into other states and are always after us to "come visit them:...
this is the problem with parents moving away... some expect the family they left back home to come visit them.
WELL - you were the ones who moved away, most times you are retired. The kids are the ones still working and trying to raise kids and juggle the kids schedules and trying to afford to make a living - most of the time, these days you only get 2 weeks vacation.
It is entirely presumptuous to expect your kids/grandkids to visit you all the time, when you were the ones who moved away. I would plan on making sure that you are able to visit THEM on your dime/time. Otherwise the visits may not happen very often, at least as often as you like. I am sorry these relatives are lonely in the states they moved to, but our budget and lack of vacation time do not allow for visits very often.
Also electronic communication is the best way to communicate these days. Make sure you get on the Internet! Get on Facebook!! Send electronic pictures and videos.
My parents moved away because of a job offer. They would come visit a couple times a year. We would have picnic on Jul 4th every year. We still that today. My ex and my sons got job offers in the area, so we all moved. My sister stayed in our hometown. My sons live in the town. My youngest daughter lives about 45min. My oldest daughter lives about 6hrs away. I see her about 5x a year.
My dad has to give up driving due repeated accidents. So I had to run him around all the time. At that time I had a flexible schedule. My sister came up about 4x a year. She was a SPED so she was confined by the school year. A few days before my dad passed away, my son had a heart attack. I booked both my sister and oldest daughter a flight to our area.
Hi Grain of Salt, Could you give us an update? Did you move to Florida? What part of Florida? How is it working out for you? I, too made the move left children, sisters, friends to come to sunny Florida last year. Curious to know how it all worked out for you.
We left our 28 y/o just married son behind and moved to FL. It didn't work for many reasons. The just married son soon became a dad and then a dad again. Now there were 4. He works hard and travels for business and the last thing he wanted to do was fly on his vacations. Once the kids were in school it meant flying during school vacations and the airfare doubles or triples during these times. NO ONE wants to visit Florida in the summer!! We found ourselves on a plane every other month, either visiting, attending birthday parties, holidays or escaping the Florida heat. Eventually we moved back to New England for a lot of reasons, not just proximity to family, and now we only have to get on a plane when we want a true vacation, not for family obligation. We're much happier and we have a bucket full of money now that we're not supporting the airlines!
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Moving Away from Children
