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Were you into racing before you got married, or was following this in your family important before you got married? It occurs to me that if he is so disapproving of unusual (but fun) things your family does, he may be trying to isolate you from that source of support.
Yes. Racing and building up big block engines and fast cars has been in my family for generations. My parents and uncles all raced - they still do. My grandparents raced. Now my bothers and I race. I've raced cars out at the speedway since I was 16 years old! It's just a good, fun time had by all (except my husband). We all enjoy going out to the track and cheering each other on. It's a family thing. My kids are into racing and cars too. It's just a really fun outing.
Thank you all so much for your answers to my question and for your unconditional support!
This may sound silly, but one of the reasons I don't feel comfortable talking to my pastor, and it's not my pastor's fault, is that when we are in church and hear a sermon my huband twists things around to suit him and make me the bad guy. One example of this is one time when pastor was preaching on the words that come out of our mouths being indicative of what's in our hearts. I agreed with the sermon. However, any time I say anything my husband doesn't like or doesn't agree with, he ALWAYS brings up pastor. "Pastor told us we need to tame our tongues - you need to tame your tongue, honey." "What would pastor say if I told him how selfish you are." Then there's the car issue (hubby always lays into me about the kinds of cars I like) "You don't see pastor's wife driving around in something impractical for her family."
Basically, anything he doesn't like about me, he always brings pastor or his wife or their family into our discussion as a comparison to show me that I am foolish and wrong because I am not like pastor's wife, etc.
I do not know your pastor and how he REALLY is or how he REALLY means things, however, if he is anything like our pastor, that would be all the more reason I would seek counsel from HIM! That way your husband gets to hear from the HORSES MOUTH what was intended and NOT. Your pastor can be GREAT at helping your husband explain the man and the woman's purpose in the marriage as well as help teach you both about respecting and loving one another! Maybe this wouldn't be such a bad thing!
You can vent ANYTIME! That's what we are here for. Open up and let it out anytime you need to. If you don't feel comfortable doing it here, please feel free to PM me or anyone else that you may prefer to talk to. We have a great bunch of listeners on here and some pretty good counsel too...lol Right Alpha?
you'r ein my thoughts and prayers! Good luck and God Bless!
Thank you all so much for your answers to my question and for your unconditional support!
This may sound silly, but one of the reasons I don't feel comfortable talking to my pastor, and it's not my pastor's fault, is that when we are in church and hear a sermon my huband twists things around to suit him and make me the bad guy. One example of this is one time when pastor was preaching on the words that come out of our mouths being indicative of what's in our hearts. I agreed with the sermon. However, any time I say anything my husband doesn't like or doesn't agree with, he ALWAYS brings up pastor. "Pastor told us we need to tame our tongues - you need to tame your tongue, honey." "What would pastor say if I told him how selfish you are." Then there's the car issue (hubby always lays into me about the kinds of cars I like) "You don't see pastor's wife driving around in something impractical for her family."
Basically, anything he doesn't like about me, he always brings pastor or his wife or their family into our discussion as a comparison to show me that I am foolish and wrong because I am not like pastor's wife, etc.
A little about us - we are both white collar professionals, so we are not poor. Yet hubby is always freaked out about money. In fact, most of our disagreements are somehow money-related. We each have our own bank accounts, yet he always makes it his business to get into my finances.
He is 17 years older than me. This didn't seem like any big deal 15 years ago when we first got together. I was young and didn't think much about what that age difference would mean 15 years later. I don't think he thought about it either.
I don't think I've changed all that much with regard to my likes and dislikes over the years. I know I've changed in some ways, but I am basically the same person now that I was 15 years ago. He, on the other hand, has changed a lot. He is totally like an old man now. In his leisure time he dresses like an old man and even wears those old man hats! He has mannerisms like an old man - he shakes his fist at people. There are other little things too.
He has his car, which is a family car. He's not into flashy or fast. He's just a family car kind of guy - even if we didn't have a family. That's fine. I'm one of those flashy car, speed demon people. I own a couple of muscle cars and go out drag racing. I can't help that - I grew up in a family of drag racers, so it's in my blood and we had a lot of really nice family outings to the drags while I was growing up. My kids also enjoy the drags. I think it's a family oriented event and I have so many happy, wonderful memories from my childhood that include drag racing. He constantly complains that I am not like a "normal" wife and mother. I don't see what the big deal is - we take his family car everywhere we go anyway.
My husband is an avid golfer, which is fine. I am glad he has a hobby. I am a competitive ballroom dancer and have been dancing since I was three years old. Dancing is my life. He constantly complains about my dancing because it costs money (I pay for all of my dance costs with my own money!). He tries to limit the amount of competitions I compete in, tries to get into my business about how much my costumes cost, etc. I don't complain about his golf and that costs money. The difference is that I believe if he earns the money and he wants to spend it on something he enjoys, that's great. He doesn't feel the same way I do. To him, I am wasting money - but it's not his money to make decisions about!!!
Every time my husband comes back from playing golf he always tells me about the people he was paired up with. He talks about how wealthy they are and how they are getting all the breaks and all the best perks out of life. He was out golfing with a professionl basketball player yesterday and he kept tlking about how this guy was getting all this free golf stuff because the companies want their product associated with this ball player. I can't adequately explain it, but the way he talks about these people is like "these people have all the best. I am downtrodden and I'm jealous." He doesn't say that, but that's the air he gives off. It really bothers me. We aren't hurting for money, but he makes it sound like we're on the verge of bankruptcy and any day now we're going to be living under the freeway in a cardboard box.
Sorry this is so long, I think I just needed to vent. There are a million other things to add to this, but I won't bore you guys with all the little details. I am just happy that you people have been kind enough to respond to my post and I treasure each response from everyone here. God bless you guys - you are the best!
Oh, one more thing - he is not physically abusive to me in any way. In fact, he's quite a likeable person. I just don't happen to like him much right now.
Twinkle Toes, you need a Towanda! moment. Yes ma'am!!!
Reading this, I get the feeling that your husband is very aware that he's getting older, isn't coping very well with that idea, and he wants you to get older with him so he doesn't feel like he's going through it alone. I think that competitive dancing and racing (racing is soooo cool! I always wanted to learn to do that!) are great activities, but it sounds like he's sidelined and can't participate with you. Maybe the two of you should start something new together, like scuba diving, bicycle riding, camping, bowling, shooting pool, get your pilot's license, etc.
My husband belongs to a fencing club. When we were dating, I was very 'ra-ra' about it. I went to tournaments and such to be supportive, but I got bored, so I don't really do those things anymore. There are times when I'm jealous of the time it takes away from 'us,' but I know he enjoys it and it's good for him, so I seldom complain. Maybe your husband is 'acting out' because he's lonesome.
As for him checking out your account, it sounds like he's checking up on you, i.e., not how much money you're spending, but where you're spending it. Some spouses that do this can be paranoid that their partner is about to bail, is messing around, or hiding money. I don't know what his pattern has been over the length of your marriage, but I would suggest you be very open about it, as long as he is extending you the same courteousy and isn't manipulating the account (unless he'sputting more money in ).
Thank you for that post. Actually, my husband gets into everyone's financial business. He has alienated his own sister because of this. She is married but has no children and she is a doctor. She and her husband are very wealthy. Hubby and I are the only people in the family who have children. My husband went to his mother and another relative and asked about his sister's finances and what is she going to do with her money when she dies. He told people that her money should go to our son since he's the only "heir". Of course, she got mad and told him it was none of his business what she did with her money and none of his business what she did with it after she died. She no longer speaks to him and only speaks to me via cards for holidays or my birthday - and I didn't have anything to do with this situation.
Thank you for that post. Actually, my husband gets into everyone's financial business. He has alienated his own sister because of this. She is married but has no children and she is a doctor. She and her husband are very wealthy. Hubby and I are the only people in the family who have children. My husband went to his mother and another relative and asked about his sister's finances and what is she going to do with her money when she dies. He told people that her money should go to our son since he's the only "heir". Of course, she got mad and told him it was none of his business what she did with her money and none of his business what she did with it after she died. She no longer speaks to him and only speaks to me via cards for holidays or my birthday - and I didn't have anything to do with this situation.
I would tell her that
I mean deep down it is HER brother and a leopard doesn't change spots so maybe she doesn't think you are involved anyway
she may just be so angry at him she doesnt want to deal with the issue at all
I know when i am upset with my mom I ignore the whole family because all they want to do is put pressure on me
"you know how she is" blah blah blah
I graciously let them know I need time to pull the stick out of my behind and move on about it but please allow me this time to be upset or it will fester into something I cannot fix
maybe that's what your SIL is doing
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