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Well, before my husband and I could get married, we had to go through pre-marriage counseling according to Catholic protocol. I personally thought it was a great idea. Our marriage "counselor" wasn't a priest though ... he was a Deacon. I don't know if we got a Deacon b'c I wasn't Catholic or if all engaged couples get Deacons though. Then we had to go through a "Engaged Encounter" where we spent the weekend at a camp of sorts for engaged couples and talk about marriage stuff. Weird but I guess worth it.
Maybe it wouldn't be such a bad idea to go to your pastor if you think it is even worth it. Or perhaps, if your church offers any kind of marriage counseling, maybe that is another option. The church where we completed all of our Catholic "requirements" even offered a "mentor" which was essentially a married couple that would sort of help you out through "tough times".
Good luck. I know this must be a hard time for you. <hugs>
My husband and I are most likely going to divorce very soon. My husband absolutely will not go to marriage counseling. He has concluded that there is nothing wrong with him - he is 100% perfect and there's no way in hell that he is going to pay some screwed up person to tell him what his problem is.
I spoke with my mother about this. My mother insists that we need to talk to our pastor. I don't feel comfortable talking to my pastor about this and I don't believe that it's his job to be a marriage counselor and deal with my marriage issues. My mother believes otherwise and insists that it is part of a pastor's job to counsel couples dealing with marriage or relationship issues. In fact, she is hassling me so much about this that I am becoming turned off to even going to chuch - and none of this has anything to do with my pastor!!!
How many of you believe a pastor should deal with people's marriage problems and how many of you don't believe it's his place to get involved?
Thanks.
It is in their job description. But they will minister to you from a religious standpoint, which if you are both very religious can only help. However if your husband or yourself are not religious I don't think it will help. You said your husband thinks he's 100% good as he is. Does that mean he doesn't feel your marriage has problems and is happy with the way it is? If this is the case perhaps you can go to a therapist individually for help, sometimes that is almost as good as going as a couple.
Maybe I'm not an appropriate person to be suggesting anything since I'm not religious but I do have one thought. I would expect that a pastor will have one priority in mind and that would be to keep the marriage together no matter what. In all fairness a marriage counselor is going to try to do the same thing but might be able to recognize a situation when a divorce might actually be the best choice for both people. It's unfortunate but certain couples just don't tend to get along because their personalities are not compatible and in many cases one of them is abusive (usually the husband sad but true). My parents used to get in terrible fights when I was young and it was not very pleasant for anyone. Eventually they did get divorced and afterwards became good friends and we all got along better than ever. In any case, I hope you find the best course of action that really works for both of you. Good luck.
I'm so sorry you and your husband are going through this. Here's my advice:
1. Go talk to your pastor by yourself and let him know what's going on. Test the waters yourself and re-evaluate how comfortable you are. The two priests that I have spoken to (at different times for non-marital reasons) have had some wonderful advice, and I never felt like I was being judged.
It's worth a try.
2. If you were comfortable with the pastor, tell your husband that you sought counsel, and that you thought it was sound. Ask him to go ONCE and see what he thinks. If he goes, that's great. You've got something to work with. If he's resistant, he needs a stark reminder that he may be just fine, but the marriage is not. At this point, I would suggest you seek counseling for you, either with the pastor (if you liked him) or with a therapist.
I really hope things turn out well for you both. I think I can vouch for most people here by saying that you have a 'virtual' support system here. Keep your chin up!
For the record, Let you and your pastor off the hook.
While it clearly is his responsibility to minister to you in this and any situation, his responsibility ends where your discomfort begins.
In other words, if you don't feel comfortable talking to your pastor about this, you certainly don't HAVE to. So it's OK NOT to talk to him and it OK TO talk to him.
Sidebar: Your pastor should be someone that you feel comfortable talking to in any situation. If you'd talk to a stranger(counselor), it concerns me that you don't feel like your relationship with your pastor is one in which you could share this. just an observation.
Sidebar 2: Your post indicates that the enemy(read:devil) is trying to take this opportunity to not only end your marriage, but he has also gotten you disillusioned with the church....stay alert! The church(Jesus) is where you need to be!
DISCLAIMER: Alpha8207 isn't a counselor, he just plays one on the internet. All readers are urged to consult professionals in the respective fields. Alpha8207 takes no responsibility for harm, damage, bad advice, or unforeseen circumstances.....unless it works out and in that instance he takes full credit!! (That's a joke, people!)
Alpha, you're too funny! Actually, I think Alpha would make a GREAT counselor He's been there for ME a couple of times lol
Twinkle Toes, I know it seems impossible to do, but yes, I do believe it is the pastor's job to give you biblical counselling. Please note that "worldly" counsel will give you "worldly" results. I believe it is possible to obtain outside counsel AND biblical counsel at the same time, but do not allow the secular counsel go against your spiritual beliefs...that can be DANGEROUS!
It's kind of funny, before my hubby and I were Christians, we were having marital problems and we went to regular marriage counselling. After about 3 or 4 weeks 1 session per week for 1 hour, the counselor gave us a handful of information titled "Knowing When It Is Time To QUIT!". This counselor saw our problems and thought they were TOO BIG for us to effectively work out and actually suggested we get a divorce. Ironically, that made us side together and stayed together DESPITE the counselor
However, a couple of years later, we started going to church, however our marriage was HORRIBLE! All we were doing was co-existing for the sake of the children. We didn't even LIKE each other anymore, much less LOVE one another. We actually became pretty well adapted to just BEING. We had NO relationship! After a while, after some MAJOR issues between us, I started talking to the Asst. Pastor (he was the one I felt most comfortable with). I'll have to admit, we gave him a run for his money, but he took us both and counselled us each week. Honestly though, he did help alot, but the BIGGEST help was the scripture he gave us. Start by reading and STUDYING Ephesians 5 together. If YOU CAN, get the book The Power of a Praying Wife! This book is AWESOME! You can go to christianbook.com and read an exerpt if you'd like.
Marriage is hard enough, but when it comes to marriage problems...UGH! It's even worse...lol However, IMHO, you really should try to stick to biblical counselling, even if it isn't with YOUR pastor. I can understand where that would make you uncomfortable. Frankly, if you're NOT comfortable it isn't going to work! But so try to find someone that you are comfortable with and watch out for secular counsel.
Take care! My best wishes and PRAYERS are with you!
A pastor can and should advise you. But if you are not comfortable speaking with him about it, don't.
As for your husband, if he WON'T go to marriage counseling because HE is perfect, then there is a huge problem - he does not acknowledge that your marriage is in trouble because you are unhappy.
YOu should go to a counselor yourself, and your pastor may be able to connect you with the resources for that. BTW, your pastor should not tell your mother what is going on in your life. And your mother has probably unloaded something to the pastor, if she is in the same church.
As for hubby, how does he know that a counselor would be screwed up? If he isn't paying for himself or for marriage counseling, he will pay for you. Because you feel you need it and you are worth it. Don't let him dissuade you from getting help for yourself.
Also, it is not a pastor's job to keep the marriage together. I have even known Catholic priests who have told abused women they have to get out of the house, or get him out of the house, so they can raise their children right without abuse. Catholic priests will not tell you to get remarried, but they will affirm a separation if the marriage is destructive to the family or one of the spouses.
Thank you all so much for your answers to my question and for your unconditional support!
This may sound silly, but one of the reasons I don't feel comfortable talking to my pastor, and it's not my pastor's fault, is that when we are in church and hear a sermon my huband twists things around to suit him and make me the bad guy. One example of this is one time when pastor was preaching on the words that come out of our mouths being indicative of what's in our hearts. I agreed with the sermon. However, any time I say anything my husband doesn't like or doesn't agree with, he ALWAYS brings up pastor. "Pastor told us we need to tame our tongues - you need to tame your tongue, honey." "What would pastor say if I told him how selfish you are." Then there's the car issue (hubby always lays into me about the kinds of cars I like) "You don't see pastor's wife driving around in something impractical for her family."
Basically, anything he doesn't like about me, he always brings pastor or his wife or their family into our discussion as a comparison to show me that I am foolish and wrong because I am not like pastor's wife, etc.
A little about us - we are both white collar professionals, so we are not poor. Yet hubby is always freaked out about money. In fact, most of our disagreements are somehow money-related. We each have our own bank accounts, yet he always makes it his business to get into my finances.
He is 17 years older than me. This didn't seem like any big deal 15 years ago when we first got together. I was young and didn't think much about what that age difference would mean 15 years later. I don't think he thought about it either.
I don't think I've changed all that much with regard to my likes and dislikes over the years. I know I've changed in some ways, but I am basically the same person now that I was 15 years ago. He, on the other hand, has changed a lot. He is totally like an old man now. In his leisure time he dresses like an old man and even wears those old man hats! He has mannerisms like an old man - he shakes his fist at people. There are other little things too.
He has his car, which is a family car. He's not into flashy or fast. He's just a family car kind of guy - even if we didn't have a family. That's fine. I'm one of those flashy car, speed demon people. I own a couple of muscle cars and go out drag racing. I can't help that - I grew up in a family of drag racers, so it's in my blood and we had a lot of really nice family outings to the drags while I was growing up. My kids also enjoy the drags. I think it's a family oriented event and I have so many happy, wonderful memories from my childhood that include drag racing. He constantly complains that I am not like a "normal" wife and mother. I don't see what the big deal is - we take his family car everywhere we go anyway.
My husband is an avid golfer, which is fine. I am glad he has a hobby. I am a competitive ballroom dancer and have been dancing since I was three years old. Dancing is my life. He constantly complains about my dancing because it costs money (I pay for all of my dance costs with my own money!). He tries to limit the amount of competitions I compete in, tries to get into my business about how much my costumes cost, etc. I don't complain about his golf and that costs money. The difference is that I believe if he earns the money and he wants to spend it on something he enjoys, that's great. He doesn't feel the same way I do. To him, I am wasting money - but it's not his money to make decisions about!!!
Every time my husband comes back from playing golf he always tells me about the people he was paired up with. He talks about how wealthy they are and how they are getting all the breaks and all the best perks out of life. He was out golfing with a professionl basketball player yesterday and he kept tlking about how this guy was getting all this free golf stuff because the companies want their product associated with this ball player. I can't adequately explain it, but the way he talks about these people is like "these people have all the best. I am downtrodden and I'm jealous." He doesn't say that, but that's the air he gives off. It really bothers me. We aren't hurting for money, but he makes it sound like we're on the verge of bankruptcy and any day now we're going to be living under the freeway in a cardboard box.
Sorry this is so long, I think I just needed to vent. There are a million other things to add to this, but I won't bore you guys with all the little details. I am just happy that you people have been kind enough to respond to my post and I treasure each response from everyone here. God bless you guys - you are the best!
Oh, one more thing - he is not physically abusive to me in any way. In fact, he's quite a likeable person. I just don't happen to like him much right now.
I went through the problem with money - similiar situation to yours, but my ex was a couch potato. Money was fine for what he wanted, but not for anything else. Totally weird ideas about how everyone else was rich, even when they were obviously not as financially well off as we were.
Were you into racing before you got married, or was following this in your family important before you got married? It occurs to me that if he is so disapproving of unusual (but fun) things your family does, he may be trying to isolate you from that source of support.
If you feel you can be honest with your pastor about what your husband is saying, do it; or find another member of the clergy you can talk to about this, or a pastor's wife maybe.
My ex used to twist things around that my kids teachers were saying in parent conferences, so that it seemed like I was the cause of all their problems (their grades got better once we divorced) So I started calling the school and reporting to teachers and principal what my ex said that they had said to him. They did not appreciate the twisting to suit his agenda.
I'm so sorry you and your husband are going through this. Here's my advice:
1. Go talk to your pastor by yourself and let him know what's going on. Test the waters yourself and re-evaluate how comfortable you are. The two priests that I have spoken to (at different times for non-marital reasons) have had some wonderful advice, and I never felt like I was being judged.
It's worth a try.
2. If you were comfortable with the pastor, tell your husband that you sought counsel, and that you thought it was sound. Ask him to go ONCE and see what he thinks. If he goes, that's great. You've got something to work with. If he's resistant, he needs a stark reminder that he may be just fine, but the marriage is not. At this point, I would suggest you seek counseling for you, either with the pastor (if you liked him) or with a therapist.
I really hope things turn out well for you both. I think I can vouch for most people here by saying that you have a 'virtual' support system here. Keep your chin up!
I think this is very good advice. I also liked the long above post by Kawgpz550.
I think as, Kawgpz550 suggested that it is best to try to find competent Biblical advice because I do think that many secular counselors are apt to "throw in the towel" too quickly in a marriage because they don't have God's perspective on marriage.
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sad but true). My parents used to get in terrible fights when I was young and it was not very pleasant for anyone. Eventually they did get divorced and afterwards became good friends and we all got along better than ever. In any case, I hope you find the best course of action that really works for both of you. Good luck.
He's been there for ME a couple of times lol
