Why are other Christians so Judgmental (grace, atheist, bible, quotes)
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My partner and I are in a unique situation. We are not married, though we have been together for 24 years and have lived together for 17 of them. We WANT to get married, but he is on disability for several conditions and his health insurance would drastically change and he would lose crucial and vital benefits as my income would only be counted if we were married. We can not afford this loss (and yes we have researched with many many people and places to try to figure this out, including the Social Security Administration). it seems very unfair and punishing, but this is the reality of many with disabilities who do not have a lot of money to work with. We consider ourselves married anyway and even have wedding rings because we are very very committed to one another and have been for many years.
My "husband" is dying now from a progressive lung disease. I care for him around the clock while juggling working full time and we are fighting to get him a lung transplant. He also has another disease that holds a stigma to it that I will not share the name of, but it is perceived as related to sexual stuff. We are very responsible people, and we deeply love one another. I have made many sacrifices to care for and love him.
Nevertheless, I have faced more criticism and judgment from other "Christians" than anyone else, and less compassion. Because we are not legally married it's as if we have committed the worst sin living together. I have been accused of not being a true Christian. My husband has been told he "deserves" the diseases he has and somehow it is his fault for past sins.
I have also seen a lot of judgmental comments from Christians to others on forums that have nothing to do with religion. I am very surprised at this. Shouldn't we leave judgment up to Jesus? I always thought the only requirement to be a Christian is accepting Jesus gift of salvation and having complete faith in Him. Are we not all sinners on some level? Who is so self righteous they are able to cast the first stone?
I am very disappointed and upset by the treatment we have received from other Christians. We currently stay home and do not attend church but watch a live service on tv weekly, and have daily devotions with one another. We pray every day, and we share the Good News with others when it is appropriate. Other than that, I can't even imagine condemning and criticizing another person's lifestyle or situation, especially at face value.
It has made me question the church and human nature in general.
I am curious to hear what others have to say, Christian or not. Why do you bring up others sins to them? Why would another's sin prevent them from being a Christian?
Here's the reality, Robin: living within the Christianity structure is living in an upside down world. There are nice Christians like some of the ones in here who don't judge you, and there are other Christians who are truly horrible judgemental people because you don't subscribe to their ethical code, even though in secret many of them live in conditions so sinful they'd make the devil blush. There's no rhyme or reason to the code as there would be if Jesus had been real. He'd have laid down a code so fair and so clear that there'd be no way such divisiveness could exist.
But we live in a world devoid of God's presence--a world that is cruel and unjust, which is why flawed humans take it upon themselves to make laws they expect other people to live by. The authorities won't let you get married or you will lose your benefits. You have to live with that. It's got nothing to do with God or fairness because on this earth "fairness" doesn't exist and a God doesn't intervene in human affairs as you can so clearly see. In this world there's only survival of the fittest and the smartest.
Find a legal way to get around the marriage requirement. Common law seems to me to be the best solution. But be aware the authorities will block you at every step of the way to keep you from being in a legally married state at the same time you are collecting benefits. That's their job--to hold onto the state's money and not give it to you while you show any indication of living in a relationship that would be defined as being legally married. Frankly, the politicians who make the laws couldn't care less about the terrible financial predicaments people are finding themselves in nowadays. They're short on money and they're taking it away from the people who need it the most and giving it to the people who need it the least.
Next, get yourself away from that poisonous group of Christians who are making your life miserable. Frankly, I don't know why you'd want to have anything to do with such a religion. Buddhism is a very nice non-judgemental religion, so is Ba'hai. Think about joining them. If you're fearful of leaving Jesus thumb through this website for some answers that will solve your fear:
Bottom line, you and your partner come first. Then abiding by the laws of the land comes second. Very last is God and Jesus and anything or anyone that has anything to do with them unless they are willing to give you some non-judgemental help, because God and Jesus are not, repeat NOT going to come to your rescue. They simply are not going to. Sadly you're on your own except for family, friends and anyone sympathetic to your situation who's willing to lend a hand.
It's a awful world we live in. Good luck. You'll need it.
Can you have a religious marriage ceremony but not file with the state? That would be for you and your husband because you said you wanted to get married but couldn't.
That is a good idea. My niece's mother did this with her partner. To get legally married, she would lose certain benefits she had, and so they just did a ceremony in a church.
An Episcopal church would likely do that, since they were doing "blessing of the union" for gay couples before actual marriage was legal.
That is a good idea. My niece's mother did this with her partner. To get legally married, she would lose certain benefits she had, and so they just did a ceremony in a church.
An Episcopal church would likely do that, since they were doing "blessing of the union" for gay couples before actual marriage was legal.
Looking for a church that would do this might be a good way for her to find a new one.
Last edited by L8Gr8Apost8; 11-18-2022 at 12:40 PM..
Wow Robin Let me add my sentiments that I am so sorry that you and your husband are having to go through this..
I grew up in a small town Texas baptist church and was surrounded by hateful, judgmental people. I mistakenly assumed that everyone was that way, a hypocrite or a hatemonger. My mom was the poster child of hateful Christianity and my dad was hypocrite of the year for the southern baptist region two years in a row.
Now in all fairness, my mom, before she died admitted her errors in being involved in that church. Although she never apologized for making us go there, she did express regrets at having taken her kids to a baptist church. (Perhaps that her oldest son is a vocal atheist helped her realize the cause and effect)
Nonetheless, when I left home, went to college, got into studying psychology, I realized that the congregation was full of judgmental hateful people because they were, as a whole and as individuals, very self-hating and very unhappy. Lashing out at others was the only way they had to empower themselves in some way. Self-esteem did not exist. My father even admitted years ago that he has zero self esteem. (As though we did not know that already) Judging and making note of other's failures was the only way he could possibly make himself not feel so bad. And imagine a whole churchful of people like him.
SO understand that in a situation where people are taught that there is this loving Deity who loves them in spite of the fact that they are not even worthy of love, and that any wrongdoing can result in an eternity of torture, yeah, the psychological damage can manifest itself in many ways.
And sadly, it happens more often than not.
But make it stop happening to you. You love each other, take care of each other and focus on who is important at this time: You and him, not your church.
And hang in there. SOme of us here, Christians and Atheists both, actually care about your wellbeing.
One misconception is that if the couple has lived together for 7 years, they're automatically considered to be married. Again, this is NOT true.
Currently, only a handful of states recognize common law marriages. The majority doesn't. And, of the states that DO recognize a union as common law, there are still certain requirements that the couple must apply.
To Robinwomb--
Let's talk about the legal stuff first. For lack of a better word, there are four "types" of recognition of common law marriage:
States that currently recognize common law marriage
States that recognize common law marriage with limitations
States that used to recognize common law marriage
States that NEVER recognized common law marriage.
Let's set aside the states that NEVER recognized common law marriage for a moment...
Of the remaining states, one of the biggest factors in establishing a common law marriage is to hold yourselves out publicly to be husband and wife. That means that you refer to each other as "husband" and "wife." None of this, "Well, we call ourselves 'husband and wife', but we're not married." No referring to your husband as your "husband", in quotes. If you sincerely consider yourselves to be married, you have to behave as if you're married. You're obviously living together. That's one way to demonstrate behavior. You both wear rings. That's another way to demonstrate behavior. Taking on his last name would be another way to say to the world you're married. It's not necessary in this day and age, but it helps if you do. Getting a joint bank account, and filling out the form as a married couple. Believe me, there are very few times in your life where you'll be asked to produce a marriage license to 'prove' you're married, even when filling out legal documents (such as a mortgage).
What you DON'T do is to refer to each other as your "common law husband/wife" or "common law" spouse. You don't tell people that you're not 'really' married. You don't tell some people you're married and others that you're not.
As for those pesky people in your church--
I'm with the others. Find another church! And when you do, please don't TELL people that you're not "really" married. Don't even tell them in secret.
There are numerous countries that don't go through the legal garbage that the US goes through, and yet, the US considers those foreign marriages to be 'legal', PERIOD, even if there's no written documentation.
Somehow, I don't believe that God judges whether ALL married people are truly married by US judicial system.
I'm sorry if this post is so long, but I have one more thing to say about your situation.
In this day and age, there are very few circumstances that a formal legal marriage is necessary in order to facilitate certain issues. For example, if your spouse dies intestate, you would automatically inherit his property according to the laws of your state. If you're not legally married, your partner can still inherit from you, although some additional paperwork would be in order (such as, an insurance policy naming your partner as your beneficiary, or a will leaving whatever you want to your partner, or even a living trust, which would 'pass around' your partner's estate). I know that some people say that hospitals won't allow a "live-in partner" to visit a partner as they would a spouse...which is NOT necessarily true.
Seems like you and your "husband"...oops...I mean husband need to have a discussion or two about this.
Thank you so much for this post! Lots of good info! I agree with you it is not a simple matter of once you are together for seven years you are considered married. There are a LOT of legal issues involved. I am finding out that I do not qualify for FMLA to protect me for a long leave of absence should my husband get on the wait list for a lung transplant (we are in the beginning of that process). He will need four months in a city far away out of state at a facility that so far is accepting him (we were turned down by two facilities in our home state). I am going to have a hard time getting time off work because he is not legally my spouse. Human Resources DOES look at this, they look at marriage licence. Only a spouse, child, or parent qualifies one for FMLA. So in that regard it is a very difficult situation. I have 580 hours of PTO (I never get time off despite 20 years at this organization) so it's not a huge issue as far as that, but I am subjected to the rules of time off without FMLA protection. If we get legally married however, his insurance will change drastically and will not cover his lung transplant (which right now it does). So it's really catch 22. There are many other situations too, this is just one. However, he has completed, legalized and has on file a healthcare directive stating me as his primary agent and caregiver so I hope that this will help me should he be hospitalized and I need to be part of his care (which I already am as a daily caregiver).
Despite all this I would NEVER conceive of leaving him, never. We are soul mates and lovers long term. He is my whole life.
I suppose we could have a marriage ceremony to please the church, but I am not sure that is necessary.
For the record, it is not people at my church per say who have been this way toward us, though there have been a few. The majority have been people online or distant family members. Sometimes it's just society at large or certain religious right wing groups in general and I have also seen these judgmental comments pointed towards others too, not just myself. I will continue to call him my "husband" because it feels right and boyfriend or partner does not even begin to describe the life we have shared for the last 24 years, the closeness, the bond we have, the sacrifices we have made for one another, for better or for worse. I knew about his health conditions going into this. I did not know someday he would have failing lungs due to pulmonary fibrosis as a result of rheumatoid arthritis. But that doesn't matter as far as how much I love him and what he means to me. I am much closer to him than my own family.
Thank you everyone for all the feedback! Very much appreciated.
As to the original question about why are some christians so judgmental...
The live within a religion, are part of a religion, that is based largely on one factor -- judgmentalism. If you live within such a framework, it would seem to me to be very difficult to not be judgmental.
Wow Robin Let me add my sentiments that I am so sorry that you and your husband are having to go through this..
I grew up in a small town Texas baptist church and was surrounded by hateful, judgmental people. I mistakenly assumed that everyone was that way, a hypocrite or a hatemonger. My mom was the poster child of hateful Christianity and my dad was hypocrite of the year for the southern baptist region two years in a row.
Now in all fairness, my mom, before she died admitted her errors in being involved in that church. Although she never apologized for making us go there, she did express regrets at having taken her kids to a baptist church. (Perhaps that her oldest son is a vocal atheist helped her realize the cause and effect)
Nonetheless, when I left home, went to college, got into studying psychology, I realized that the congregation was full of judgmental hateful people because they were, as a whole and as individuals, very self-hating and very unhappy. Lashing out at others was the only way they had to empower themselves in some way. Self-esteem did not exist. My father even admitted years ago that he has zero self esteem. (As though we did not know that already) Judging and making note of other's failures was the only way he could possibly make himself not feel so bad. And imagine a whole churchful of people like him.
SO understand that in a situation where people are taught that there is this loving Deity who loves them in spite of the fact that they are not even worthy of love, and that any wrongdoing can result in an eternity of torture, yeah, the psychological damage can manifest itself in many ways.
And sadly, it happens more often than not.
But make it stop happening to you. You love each other, take care of each other and focus on who is important at this time: You and him, not your church.
And hang in there. SOme of us here, Christians and Atheists both, actually care about your wellbeing.
Cat, your family is a typical example of what Christianity does to people's psyche--how it turns them from ordinary-thinking people into fanatics and cranks.
Hundreds of millions of people want nothing to do with God and Jesus. They see how he is all talk and no action--this nonsense of "I am the way the truth..bla bla. No one gets into heaven but by me". And then all your life you never see hide nor hair of God or Jesus no matter how many times you pray and scrape and beg him for help. People try to escape Christianity's poisonous influence but there's always a crank nearby shouting at you, "Repent and accept Jesus or you will burn forever in the fires of hell." The only way we'll ever truly be free of it's ill effects is if religion disappears entirely along with its pernicious doctrines of hate and prejudice. "Leave your mother and father and family if you want to be my disciples" indeed. What divisive rot.
My partner and I are in a unique situation. We are not married, though we have been together for 24 years and have lived together for 17 of them. We WANT to get married, but he is on disability for several conditions and his health insurance would drastically change and he would lose crucial and vital benefits as my income would only be counted if we were married. We can not afford this loss (and yes we have researched with many many people and places to try to figure this out, including the Social Security Administration). it seems very unfair and punishing, but this is the reality of many with disabilities who do not have a lot of money to work with. We consider ourselves married anyway and even have wedding rings because we are very very committed to one another and have been for many years.
My "husband" is dying now from a progressive lung disease. I care for him around the clock while juggling working full time and we are fighting to get him a lung transplant. He also has another disease that holds a stigma to it that I will not share the name of, but it is perceived as related to sexual stuff. We are very responsible people, and we deeply love one another. I have made many sacrifices to care for and love him.
Nevertheless, I have faced more criticism and judgment from other "Christians" than anyone else, and less compassion. Because we are not legally married it's as if we have committed the worst sin living together. I have been accused of not being a true Christian. My husband has been told he "deserves" the diseases he has and somehow it is his fault for past sins.
I have also seen a lot of judgmental comments from Christians to others on forums that have nothing to do with religion. I am very surprised at this. Shouldn't we leave judgment up to Jesus? I always thought the only requirement to be a Christian is accepting Jesus gift of salvation and having complete faith in Him. Are we not all sinners on some level? Who is so self righteous they are able to cast the first stone?
I am very disappointed and upset by the treatment we have received from other Christians. We currently stay home and do not attend church but watch a live service on tv weekly, and have daily devotions with one another. We pray every day, and we share the Good News with others when it is appropriate. Other than that, I can't even imagine condemning and criticizing another person's lifestyle or situation, especially at face value.
It has made me question the church and human nature in general.
I am curious to hear what others have to say, Christian or not. Why do you bring up others sins to them? Why would another's sin prevent them from being a Christian?
I am so very sorry that on top of everything you and your SO are going through, that this type of nonsense from judgmental others has been added to the mix. As many here have said, these are not your people. I hope you are able to find some loving compassionate folks where you are. Many hugs to you both.
Christians believe in absolutes of moral right and wrong. We talk our convictions.
People who think anything goes and there is no moral right or wrong as long as you are not intentionally hurting anybody else, don't have a moral basis to inform on what we consider immoral behavior, like killing an unborn baby.
FWIW, I know plenty of judgmental non-Christians. I am judged as a greedy pig because I don't want to pay high taxes. I am judged to hate the earth because I don't believe in global warming. I am judged to be racist because I am for police and think criminals should be punished. I get judged all the time by non-Christians. Heck, I get judged just for being a Baby Boomer.
Christians believe in absolutes of moral right and wrong. We talk our convictions.
People who think anything goes and there is no moral right or wrong as long as you are not intentionally hurting anybody else, don't have a moral basis to inform on what we consider immoral behavior, like killing an unborn baby.
FWIW, I know plenty of judgmental non-Christians. I am judged as a greedy pig because I don't want to pay high taxes. I am judged to hate the earth because I don't believe in global warming. I am judged to be racist because I am for police and think criminals should be punished. I get judged all the time by non-Christians. Heck, I get judged just for being a Baby Boomer.
I don't think either side has a monopoly on that.
I'm curious where you meet all these non-christians since a majority of the population is christian, and no one goes around with a label on their forehead.
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