For those who are exhausted! (Mormon, divorce, beliefs, service)
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I'm always willing to clean up, but sometimes not until the next morning. My wife often has something of a problem with that. I'm not sure I understand the caring about others part, but thinking about it reminds me of this quote I've always been fond of remembering and passing along...
"I have come to the frightening conclusion that I am the decisive element. It is my personal approach that creates the climate. It is my daily mood that makes the weather. I possess tremendous power to make life miserable or joyous. I can be a tool of torture or an instrument of inspiration; I can humiliate or humor, hurt or heal. In all situations, it is my response that decides whether a crisis is escalated or de-escalated, and a person is humanized or de-humanized. If we treat people as they are, we make them worse. If we treat people as they ought to be, we help them become what they are capable of becoming." -- unknown
I am like your wife. I have a problem with dirty dishes. But to explain the bolded part, I use the phrase "I can't care more than you" when my daughter doesn't want to put any effort into her schoolwork.
I don't think it is accurate to call myself spiritual, since I use other terms to describe what I think are largely the same emotions, experiences and feelings that I share with others who describe themselves as spiritual but not believing in a god. We all just interpret and define, describe, those same emotions, experiences and feelings differently is all.
Just as you explain "some people think there are different ways people are answered."
So true, but whether there is actually an answer happening or whether it's all about what goes on between the ears, I find little evidence or reason to think it's anything but what goes on between the ears. No different from how some people can fear the dark while others don't, even though what's actually in the dark is exactly the same thing. As such, whatever "some people think" and their reasons for thinking what they do can be as varied and different as all people tend to be.
I've been told I am crazy, but I know I get an answer. I can feel Jesus in my heart and in my soul. I do expectant waiting in silence and I can see and feel the love of Jesus in the light of nature.
Quote:
Originally Posted by EscAlaMike
Sorry I don't have any quotes for you QB, but you truly are a hero and an inspiration.
Your husband, like me, is a lucky man!
Keep doing what you're doing!
Thank, you are too kind.
Quote:
Originally Posted by mordant
Just don't make the mistake my daughter made, and have FIVE of them, lol. Currently they range from 4 to 19 years old, and at least one is out of the nest, and another ready to fledge. She is 43 and still feels like you every day. If you play your cards right, your 40s will be far less ... interesting, lol.
I had two children, and in retrospect frankly don't know how I did it. But I did. For a time, as a single parent, too.
I am lucky in that my husband makes a very good living...I had kids younger than I was initially planning. I have two lovely boys...but I wouldn't necessarily mind maybe trying for 1 more....maybe get a girl so we have a mix.
I am lucky in that my husband makes a very good living...I had kids younger than I was initially planning. I have two lovely boys...but I wouldn't necessarily mind maybe trying for 1 more....maybe get a girl so we have a mix.
Sure, two isn't a magic number, depending on your available resources and health and so on.
My daughter had 3 boys before the girls started coming. I think she really wanted a girl because she has the notion that she's reversing or undoing the damage her mother did -- it gives her some kind of closure. That's understandable, but not in my view a valid input into decisions around having children. But it's none of my business, so I keep my lips zipped.
The other thing I am silent about is when she complains now about how exhausted she always is and financially strained with so many kids. And unlike you, her husband isn't the main wage earner. She's made the bed and now has to sleep in it, so to speak. Fortunately she has a wealthy mother in law willing to help out.
Also in play, my daughter has a congenital heart defect and it produces cardiomyopathy when she's under the additional physical load of pregnancy, and it gets worse with each pregnancy. So she has also been risking her life without what I feel is sufficient regard to the needs of her existing children in the service of this primal need she has to keep producing babies. THAT I have had a little bit to say about, but it isn't my place beyond expressing my deep concern and worry for her welfare. I'm quite certain she'd go for #6 if she thought she could possibly get away with it. Hopefully at 43 she knows better.
I've noted that people like this often are driven by an enjoyment of dealing with infants and experiencing early development and then tend to lose a lot of interest when the adolescent years come along and children no longer adore you like they used to because they're differentiating. My daughter is no exception to this, unfortunately. I've had my oldest grandson spend a few days here and he said in so many words he just doesn't get any focused attention. He's also HF autistic and ADD and seems kind of on his own with it. I spent a few months tutoring him remotely and it seemed like more of a lifeline for him than it should have been.
Being a parent is a continuum and a tradeoff like everything else. My wife had 2 of her own and was also contemplating #3 but her first marriage, like mine, wasn't stable and she stood down. And in retrospect, TBH, as much as she loves her children beyond measure and would be devastated if anything happened to either of them, the outcome with both of them makes her wonder if she should have had any to begin with. These two feelings are not incompatible.
There's also just the general state of the world to factor in. It's wartime. Fuel and food shortages and other extrinsic shocks are very much on the horizon. People generally don't factor that in; arguably maybe they should. There are ethical questions around bringing children into constrained circumstances where it might be hard at times to provide for even basic needs.
It sounds to me like you're on much firmer ground than I was and you certainly should do whatever you think is best. I'm not really advocating for smaller families per se. There are some couples who probably would be do well having an even dozen for all I know. My experience is just my experience. There are too many variables to make hard and fast rules.
One of the great ironies of life, to me, is that our experiences in relationships / family/ children is necessarily a very small sample and it's hard to generalize from my experience to you or anyone else. You do you, but just understand that loving your role and the idea of expanding it doesn't guarantee that it's a good idea in the current on-the-ground circumstances. And in my view at least, there's no reliable actor on your behalf tipping the scales in your favor.
You and your husband will, I'm quite certain, make the right decisions, for you, and I will be the very last person to judge your decisions. These are just my experiences and observations, for whatever they may or may not be worth.
Isaiah 11:6
The wolf also shall dwell with the lamb, and the leopard shall lie down with the kid; and the calf and the young lion and the fatling together; and a little child shall lead them.
This scripture always stood out to me and when things would get really bad with life when I was a Christian it would often come to mind as a way to reassure myself that there was something better ahead. Of course, I don't think that way any longer but I always felt that this was a good metaphor for "There will be peace in the Valley" whether you're religious or not.
Isaiah 11:6
The wolf also shall dwell with the lamb, and the leopard shall lie down with the kid; and the calf and the young lion and the fatling together; and a little child shall lead them.
This scripture always stood out to me and when things would get really bad with life when I was a Christian it would often come to mind as a way to reassure myself that there was something better ahead. Of course, I don't think that way any longer but I always felt that this was a good metaphor for "There will be peace in the Valley" whether you're religious or not.
The lyrics never really bucked me up, especially the chorus:
Quote:
There will be peace in the valley for me, some day
There will be peace in the valley for me, oh Lord I pray
There'll be no sadness, no sorrow
No trouble, trouble I see
There will be peace in the valley for me
I never found, even on a good day, the notion of peace "some day" very comforting. And then the author is actually praying for peace someday ("oh Lord I pray") as if maybe they're not so sure but hopes it will finally happen. I'd say it's a weak-sauce song but then again it accurately portrays the exhaustion of the besieged -- and that we had hope only for the next life, not this one.
The lyrics never really bucked me up, especially the chorus:
I never found, even on a good day, the notion of peace "some day" very comforting. And then the author is actually praying for peace someday ("oh Lord I pray") as if maybe they're not so sure but hopes it will finally happen. I'd say it's a weak-sauce song but then again it accurately portrays the exhaustion of the besieged -- and that we had hope only for the next life, not this one.
I was using it sort of sarcastically, like it's a nice thought but I mean, come on. I would prefer peace right now and not 'someday'. I had to try and find peace within scriptures that may not seem particularly profound, but I should say it helped calm me during the time I was a Christian when there seemed like no way out.
As far as the song, it's just burned into my brain from years of hearing it. Just like a lot of other hymns. Sometimes I find myself humming them and then realize it's a hymn, then I change my tune.
What I see is that you insist on using the artifice of the "supernatural" as something to establish the actual existence of to maintain your artificial differentiation. There is no supernatural and no need for one except as a "straw man" easily defeated. But we DO have a very "natural" distinction between our macro level of existence and the micro level (quantum) of existence that is very real!!!
The level of quanta is as inaccessible to us at our macro level as any supposed supernatural realm would be. What makes it doubly difficult is the very attribute itself (consciousness) we use to consider these factors exists at the level of quanta. Talk about a double-whammy complication "between our ears" in accessing and evaluating the composition of our Reality!
This would not be the first time we have a significant disconnect with respect to what is reality and/or what is not, and I'm sure this won't be the last...
If I/you/anyone cannot consider a god to be something supernatural, then I'm afraid the discussion will go in a direction that is too far removed from reality far as I'm concerned. I'll leave all that to you and those similarly inclined.
Obviously I don't mean it in that way. It is just a huge commitment economically and emotionally and physically to have even 2 children these days, if you want to insure that the children you do have are adequately parented and nurtured. And we're not even considering the sort of world we're bringing them into.
My children's biological mother was also severely mentally ill. I advised both my children to adopt rather than have their own. My son never had children, but of the five my daughter had, a couple of them are already pretty clearly having mental health challenges. So that's also in play. I think having children can be both selfless and selfISH, depending on the lens you look at it through.
I'm often telling my kids, nephews and nieces who are considering kids, that children are really just not worth it...
I was using it sort of sarcastically, like it's a nice thought but I mean, come on. I would prefer peace right now and not 'someday'. I had to try and find peace within scriptures that may not seem particularly profound, but I should say it helped calm me during the time I was a Christian when there seemed like no way out.
As far as the song, it's just burned into my brain from years of hearing it. Just like a lot of other hymns. Sometimes I find myself humming them and then realize it's a hymn, then I change my tune.
Yeah I know. I was a church musician among other things and there are many such earworms in my brain too. Less as the years pass, but I also recognize the beauty in some of the melodies.
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