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One might argue that you may not be at fault, but you are responsible for addressing the set of circumstances you're dealt.
Even if you're responsible, do you have the proper upbringing and tools to bring the issue to resolution? I think this is where a lot of people wind up falling short. They don't know how to break the cycle, because they aren't informed, too prideful, and/or were never given the proper tools growing up.
Some people, myself included, believe that we all deserve a break once in awhile. Especially as the deck of cards is substantially stacked against lower educated, lower earning demographics. Nobody should be destined to a lifetime of poverty or destitution simply because their parents willed it onto them. Where would many of us be if not for those safety nets and subsidies along the way.
Last edited by digitalUID; 03-11-2024 at 08:17 PM..
Yes, life isn't fair and never has been. I'm 66 years old and what I learned over the years is there’s no time to waste. Life goes by fast.
Now, what I've seen during the course of my life is most people are where they are in life because of the choices they've made. Now, most of us have made poor choices. Often in our younger years. The question is are you willing to learn from your mistakes. Are willing to pick up the pieces and start over. Or will it always be someone else’s fault, society's fault or just plain bad luck.
Today, I own investment property, have money in the bank and a few financial worries.
But to be honest... I'd trade it all to be twenty-four, broke and living in a flop house again.
I think placing blame, whether on people or circumstances is a misdirection of our resources that's not strength building. Even if others accept the blame the act is already done.
No matter who we are or what obstacles we have faced there comes a point where we take stock of what we have - skills, abilities, experiences and say, "This is mine. My toolkit. Maybe not what I asked for or want, but what I have. What am I able to do with it?"
Then we stop looking at the forces that limit us and start looking inward to our strengths. This applies whether you're the Pope or a concentration camp detainee. Until then you are looking at your life as other-directed. It's a shift of focus that can be strengthening.
Right, this is similar to my thoughts on the matter. And what I've been trying so hard to teach my kids. Everyone makes mistakes, and it's important to look for whatever part in any bad situation you're in, that you could have at some point chosen or done differently. NOT to beat yourself up with it and consider yourself a loser. But to grab hold of the empowerment that accountability brings. I don't care for words like "blame and fault" nor concepts of plain old punishment...more like, you are supposed to learn this lesson and if you stubbornly refuse to learn it when you had the chance to do so in a low cost way, then life is going to keep hitting you with the learning stick until you get it, and it's going to hurt more every time. Instead, it's good to reflect on what you could have done differently, and next time you KNOW the right thing to do, don't talk yourself out of doing the right thing or give in to the impulse to do the wrong thing.
There are people, though, who really do not have the ability to much better their lot. There are people born in war torn parts of the world, and/or extreme poverty, or whose lives or the lives of their loved ones are lost due to some natural disaster or thing that no one warned them about, they couldn't have seen coming, or could not have escaped or prevented. So I really don't go so far as to say that anyone who is suffering and who thinks that the source of their pain is external to themselves is a "loser." I mean. Sometimes they are right. But I don't think that Chow was talking about those folks. I think he's talking about the ones who had every advantage and who squandered them, and I know people like that.
They are so busy trying to avoid the pain of seeing their own role in things, and let themselves off the hook mentally and emotionally, that they throw away the chance to seize their own autonomy and ability to choose better and differently in their futures, and that is a real shame. And they usually stay very stuck in their situations, and no one can save them from that unless/until they figure out how to save themselves. Sometimes they never do.
But it's even a bit more complicated, too, because... Some of us are entangled in the suffering of others in ways that we won't sever. When you have a relationship with a family member that you care deeply about, and you cannot control their behaviors or situation...loving them can cause a lot of pain. That's what I'm dealing with. I could cut off my kid and never speak to him again, and that would hurt, or I can continue to be involved with him and to whatever degree, his problems, and that hurts...there's no solution that is painless, here. And while I was responsible for raising him, I was not his only influence, and I was not able to control every influence that shaped him. Guess I could have just not had kids at all, given the risk that one day they'd cause me grief. But if everyone did that... Well, we wouldn't be having this here conversation, I guess!
I've always been too hard on myself in general so maybe that bias filter is at work.
I just feel like we've all known that person that makes bad choices and mistakes and it's always not their fault for a myriad of reasons.
Oh, yes. I've definitely known more than one person like that.
But I also think we take some things for granted.
As time goes on, I've learned that childhood trauma really affects the way people deal with money, relationships, and so many other things. There's a lot more trauma out there than we realize.
We certainly can't make bad decisions an ok thing. But getting on our high horses about it doesn't fix it, either.
I've concluded that a lot of people have emotional wounds that need to be healed. And when those get healed, their relationship with money gets a lot better as well. The hard part is recognizing, and then healing, those emotional wounds.
As time goes on, I've learned that childhood trauma really affects the way people deal with money, relationships, and so many other things. There's a lot more trauma out there than we realize.
We certainly can't make bad decisions an ok thing. But getting on our high horses about it doesn't fix it, either.
I've concluded that a lot of people have emotional wounds that need to be healed. And when those get healed, their relationship with money gets a lot better as well. The hard part is recognizing, and then healing, those emotional wounds.
I agree with everything you stated here.
With regards to the bolded, also 100% agree. To add to that, getting the help one needs to break out of those cycles can also be tedious. Thankfully we're putting a lot more of a spotlight on mental health these days compared to decades ago, but it is still not as widely acceptable and accessible as it should be to address those problems.
With regards to the bolded, also 100% agree. To add to that, getting the help one needs to break out of those cycles can also be tedious. Thankfully we're putting a lot more of a spotlight on mental health these days compared to decades ago, but it is still not as widely acceptable and accessible as it should be to address those problems.
Yes, and, to be honest, there are a lot of barriers to getting that work done.
First, you have to recognize there's a problem. A lot of people don't. You can't help people who can't or won't recognize the problem.
Second, you have to want to do the work. The work is hard.
Third, there's the cost of therapy, which isn't cheap.
Fourth, therapy often doesn't work, or only works at the margins, or take a long time, even for people willing to do the work.
I don't think the mental health industry has a good handle on how to heal trauma, at least not in a way that is fairly repeatable, and that's a serious problem.
Yes, and, to be honest, there are a lot of barriers to getting that work done.
First, you have to recognize there's a problem. A lot of people don't. You can't help people who can't or won't recognize the problem.
Second, you have to want to do the work. The work is hard.
Third, there's the cost of therapy, which isn't cheap.
Fourth, therapy often doesn't work, or only works at the margins, or take a long time, even for people willing to do the work.
I don't think the mental health industry has a good handle on how to heal trauma, at least not in a way that is fairly repeatable, and that's a serious problem.
Cost is a huge factor. Fortunately, where I work now, all employees are eligible for six free therapy sessions per benefit year. When I worked at other places, those visits would cost $100+ each. That adds up very quickly when you're going in weekly or bi-weekly.
I have found subscribership services like BetterHelp more affordable, but often found the quality of therapy lacking. Still, better than nothing at all.
One might argue that you may not be at fault, but you are responsible for addressing the set of circumstances you're dealt.
Even if you're responsible, do you have the proper upbringing and tools to bring the issue to resolution? I think this is where a lot of people wind up falling short. They don't know how to break the cycle, because they aren't informed, too prideful, and/or were never given the proper tools growing up.
Some people, myself included, believe that we all deserve a break once in awhile. Especially as the deck of cards is substantially stacked against lower educated, lower earning demographics. Nobody should be destined to a lifetime of poverty or destitution simply because their parents willed it onto them. Where would many of us be if not for those safety nets and subsidies along the way.
There's a huge difference between the working poor and the welfare poor.
I have much empathy for the working poor and no sympathy for the welfare poor.
I've worked with both groups while teaching in the public schools.
Yes, and, to be honest, there are a lot of barriers to getting that work done.
First, you have to recognize there's a problem. A lot of people don't. You can't help people who can't or won't recognize the problem.
Second, you have to want to do the work. The work is hard.
Third, there's the cost of therapy, which isn't cheap.
Fourth, therapy often doesn't work, or only works at the margins, or take a long time, even for people willing to do the work.
I don't think the mental health industry has a good handle on how to heal trauma, at least not in a way that is fairly repeatable, and that's a serious problem.
One size does not fit all. That's a problem.
To my way of thinking the crucial step toward healing is the day a person is willing to stop identifying themselves as a victim. And that's tricky because in the early stages they are learning that they have been and getting positive reinforcement and comfort. And they need that.
It may take a long time of telling one's story until a person is ready to move ahead to identifying differently. Sometimes it feels so good to wear that victim tee shirt and you get so much attention that it's not something people want to give up. Like acute stages of grief it's hard to measure when enough is enough. A process.
And that's where the "high horse" comes in. We don't apply it to others because we don't know their path. But there's nothing wrong with telling oneself, "Sure, I'm a victim. I'm one of thousands. But from now on I'm going to change the way I think about myself.
There is something about identifying as a survivor or as in the healing process that resists self-pity and blame.
Then there's the problem of pain. I don't think it can ever be erased but it can be tucked away in a sound-proof closet and people do learn to speak of and think of their experiences in a way that doesn't wake the sleeping monster.
To my way of thinking the crucial step toward healing is the day a person is willing to stop identifying themselves as a victim. And that's tricky because in the early stages they are learning that they have been and getting positive reinforcement and comfort. And they need that.
It may take a long time of telling one's story until a person is ready to move ahead to identifying differently. Sometimes it feels so good to wear that victim tee shirt and you get so much attention that it's not something people want to give up. Like acute stages of grief it's hard to measure when enough is enough. A process.
And that's where the "high horse" comes in. We don't apply it to others because we don't know their path. But there's nothing wrong with telling oneself, "Sure, I'm a victim. I'm one of thousands. But from now on I'm going to change the way I think about myself.
There is something about identifying as a survivor or as in the healing process that resists self-pity and blame.
Then there's the problem of pain. I don't think it can ever be erased but it can be tucked away in a sound-proof closet and people do learn to speak of and think of their experiences in a way that doesn't wake the sleeping monster.
All good points.
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