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I fell in love with my DIL from the very beginning, and still love her very much...she is like one of my own.
About 3 weeks ago, I contimplated if she was passiver aggressive. She hates confrontation....and I've noted she asks very personal questions of others....but the destruction comes with her pushing your buttons.
And if I'm not ready for it, she springs it on me. And she knows my son will jump all over my case....I was discussing this with my sister and she thinks DIL is doing this on purpose to start trouble?
This past week, I've been on edge worried about getting another back surgery...and mentioned to them that my apoint ment is on Friday...she yells, "whataya know every doctor in town?" and I said, "I don't think that is a very nice thing to say", well my son went banannas....
the other week we were out eating and she asked me why I needed such a large purse....what do you carry in it, she asks, and she kept it up and up and wouldn't let up until she realized she was annoying me.
Another time, I had just made cremebrulee....the following week, she was telling us all about the raspberry cremebrulee that she had at this other place, and my grand daughter said, "well, GM's cremebrulee was delicious, and DIL just ignored that and kept on going....Didn't really bother me much but I was kinda dumbfounded by her behavior.
Another time, they arrived and I yelled, "Hello!" happy to see them, and she says, Geeze, we didn't even get in the door yet?"
Another time she asks, "whataya dust 3 times a day"
she takes a postive and turns it into a negative and then treats it like she was kidding.
She is extremely outspoken and rude at times, but my son doesn't see it...but I now realize whey her daughters don't come around much.
I believe she's got a lot of hurt and pent up anger going on and I wish like anything I could help her.
She will not do anything without my son....they are joined at the hip and he loves it...and you are unable to discuss anything with him, b/c it always turns into a loud heated argument, and he blames me for everything. You can talk to him nicely but he gets so defensive right away and even GD said to me, once, "a lot of things are just not worth discussing with him, b/c he gets mad and loud and he's always right.
But anyway, getting back to DIL, this Passive aggression of hers stems from years of abuse and being hurt....it is very difficult for her to give you credit for anything, or even say Thank you and she fears confrontation....even a quiet conversation is a confrontation.
I know she rags on my son about things b/c I've noticed he is very embarrassed of me....I know he loves me, but he surely doesn't like me very much....
She rarely says Thank you. And I always make xtra food to send home with them do they don't have to cook one night, as they both work. I send home the left over home made bread and dessert, never a thank you from her, but that's ok, I'm used to it, Just trying to explain.
When I first met her, she discussed a problem she was having with her daughter and I suggested that this was serious and you need to get her into counseling. I was very surprised that she rejected that idea or even considered it might be a way to help her daughter? She complained about the time she's have to spend there, and the money? Excuses, but it her life.
Once when they first started going out he and my GD came back home to visit, and I didn't even know her very well, and she said, "he better come home soon, I don't like him being away too long!" And I was shocked!
When I discuss something with them, that annoys me about someone, she always stands against me....never ever has she said, well, that's not right...so I've stopped doing so.
She doesn't like it that I don't discuss other peoples personal lives with her...I tell her, I don't ask people questions, that I figure if they want to tell me something they will, but what I didn't say is, even if they did discuss personal things with me, I'd never tell her....or anyone else for that matter. When I first moved here, she asked me about how much was my 401(K) and that annoyed me, but I dismissed it....but it got to the point where I tried to explain that if I want to discuss privet information with you, I will, but don't ask me personal questions please. It's no one's business.
What I do discuss with others is when people hurt or annoy me or have done something that has involved me.
I don't know what to do about this, I don't want to loose them, I love them all 3 of them with my heart and soul.
Any advice.....? I wish there were something I could do to help her understand, I'm not the enemy.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not angry at either one of them, and I don't believe there is much I can do...it's their life...
but right now, my son doesn't like me very much, b/c I spoke up and got defensive. He screamed at me, "she was kidding!!!!" And never considered how I was feeling..
My DIL is incapable of accepting people as they are...in her eyes, if someone does something different they they way she does it, they are wrong....and honestly there is no right or wrong....it is who that person is...it's their identity....but she is unable to allow people their thoughts...and she will tell you your wrong, but in a very nice, Oh bless your heart kind of way, lol.
I really do love her and my son, but fear the feeling isn't mutual.
Last edited by cremebrulee; 02-16-2024 at 06:34 PM..
It's very suspicious how many times you felt the need to mention in your post that you love your DIL. You are describing someone you know is not lovable at all, and your son honestly doesn't sound much better.
I would spend less time with them. Sorry, but there is nothing to do with people like that except distance yourself. When they want something from you, I'm sure they will show up.
I guess because the first time O met her at the end of the night she grabbed me and hugged me hard so muc so That I had to fight back the tears, I won’t go into it but his first wife hated me and every time we were together she did everything she could do to reinforce that, she didn’t want any part of me so When I met this one I was so happy
I wish like anything I could help them…..
I guess because the first time O met her at the end of the night she grabbed me and hugged me hard so muc so That I had to fight back the tears, I won’t go into it but his first wife hated me and every time we were together she did everything she could do to reinforce that, she didn’t want any part of me so When I met this one I was so happy
I wish like anything I could help them…..
Help them with what? They sound like they're doing fine together. Just stay away and enjoy your life.
I must reinterate, I've been doing a lot of thinking about this...and have come to the realizeation, I'm no picnic either....
I'm sure it's a chore for them to come here....
I complain about the cat **** emenating from the neighbors apartment upstairs
I complain about the neighbor across the way who copies all my exterior decorations
about the food here, worried about my health....and my DIL always tells me, I shouldn't worry, it doesn't do any good to do so and she is right....
Believe me, I'm a hard pill to swallow, and I realize, I've turned into my mother which is something I've feared all my life....so....its not all them....
I mean there are times we laugh and have a great time...joking around....so, rest assure, this isn't a one sided deal.
I made Pizzells for Christmas and when they took me out for my birthday dinner, I was carrying them into the restaurant, I thought it would be fun to graze on them for dessert....lol....anyway, It embarrassed her, she stopped and said, "your not going to take a tupperwear into a restaurant?" so I turned around in a hissy fit and placed them back in my car....but then it was soon forgotten...
I may get a little loud at times, but then it's all said and done, it's over and I move on but my actions and words are not soon forgotten....
If someone says or does something that bothers me, I talk about it, hold nothing in and it seems like I'm talking about others, but in fact, I'm looking for advice on how to react better...not to run someone down, lord knows, I certainly have a lot of faults. I know I've done and said things that hurt DIL, it wasn't intentional....I have this horrible habbit to react first and think later....terrible....
I've worked so hard all my life to change and I'm a good person....I am on the negative side...and do go over and over things. I realize I'm 75 years old, retired and mildly handicapped, I have to use a walker outside...so I'm angry about not being able to go for hikes...and do things like I used to...which I'm sure reflects on them in my moods....I talk way too much....I guess it's because I live alone, my choice, and have noted that a lot of people who live alone, talk a lot...and I know it bothers them...I also feel inadequate at times, which makes me nervous and I am a nervous talker...
So, understand, there are 2 sides to this story....I'm sure it isn't fun for them to come around anymore. that makes me very sad, that I've disappointed them and I'm not saying that for sympathy, or playing the victim, it's true...I even remember how sometimes my foster mom annoyed me...and how my maternal mom embarrassed me....and let me tell you, karma is indeed a B.....
Last edited by cremebrulee; 02-17-2024 at 09:11 AM..
I really do love her and my son, but fear the feeling isn't mutual.
Quote:
Originally Posted by cremebrulee
I wish like anything I could help them…..
Help them with what? What is the point of your OP, other than a long-winded/public personal complaint about your DIL. At the end of the day, the only thing you can do is help yourself - particularly if they don’t want (or haven’t asked for) your help. They’re married adults; it’s time to think of your own happiness, particularly if they lack empathy, love and/or are too cowardly to speak rationally as adults.
Their psychological health is on them; yours is on you. That said, from my perspective, this thread belongs in Psychology (as opposed to Philosophy).
I fell in love with my DIL from the very beginning, and still love her very much...she is like one of my own.
About 3 weeks ago, I contimplated if she was passiver aggressive. She hates confrontation....and I've noted she asks very personal questions of others....but the destruction comes with her pushing your buttons.
And if I'm not ready for it, she springs it on me. And she knows my son will jump all over my case....I was discussing this with my sister and she thinks DIL is doing this on purpose to start trouble?
This past week, I've been on edge worried about getting another back surgery...and mentioned to them that my apoint ment is on Friday...she yells, "whataya know every doctor in town?" and I said, "I don't think that is a very nice thing to say", well my son went banannas....
the other week we were out eating and she asked me why I needed such a large purse....what do you carry in it, she asks, and she kept it up and up and wouldn't let up until she realized she was annoying me.
Another time, I had just made cremebrulee....the following week, she was telling us all about the raspberry cremebrulee that she had at this other place, and my grand daughter said, "well, GM's cremebrulee was delicious, and DIL just ignored that and kept on going....Didn't really bother me much but I was kinda dumbfounded by her behavior.
Another time, they arrived and I yelled, "Hello!" happy to see them, and she says, Geeze, we didn't even get in the door yet?"
Another time she asks, "whataya dust 3 times a day"
she takes a postive and turns it into a negative and then treats it like she was kidding.
She is extremely outspoken and rude at times, but my son doesn't see it...but I now realize whey her daughters don't come around much.
I believe she's got a lot of hurt and pent up anger going on and I wish like anything I could help her.
She will not do anything without my son....they are joined at the hip and he loves it...and you are unable to discuss anything with him, b/c it always turns into a loud heated argument, and he blames me for everything. You can talk to him nicely but he gets so defensive right away and even GD said to me, once, "a lot of things are just not worth discussing with him, b/c he gets mad and loud and he's always right.
But anyway, getting back to DIL, this Passive aggression of hers stems from years of abuse and being hurt....it is very difficult for her to give you credit for anything, or even say Thank you and she fears confrontation....even a quiet conversation is a confrontation.
I know she rags on my son about things b/c I've noticed he is very embarrassed of me....I know he loves me, but he surely doesn't like me very much....
She rarely says Thank you. And I always make xtra food to send home with them do they don't have to cook one night, as they both work. I send home the left over home made bread and dessert, never a thank you from her, but that's ok, I'm used to it, Just trying to explain.
When I first met her, she discussed a problem she was having with her daughter and I suggested that this was serious and you need to get her into counseling. I was very surprised that she rejected that idea or even considered it might be a way to help her daughter? She complained about the time she's have to spend there, and the money? Excuses, but it her life.
Once when they first started going out he and my GD came back home to visit, and I didn't even know her very well, and she said, "he better come home soon, I don't like him being away too long!" And I was shocked!
When I discuss something with them, that annoys me about someone, she always stands against me....never ever has she said, well, that's not right...so I've stopped doing so.
She doesn't like it that I don't discuss other peoples personal lives with her...I tell her, I don't ask people questions, that I figure if they want to tell me something they will, but what I didn't say is, even if they did discuss personal things with me, I'd never tell her....or anyone else for that matter. When I first moved here, she asked me about how much was my 401(K) and that annoyed me, but I dismissed it....but it got to the point where I tried to explain that if I want to discuss privet information with you, I will, but don't ask me personal questions please. It's no one's business.
What I do discuss with others is when people hurt or annoy me or have done something that has involved me.
I don't know what to do about this, I don't want to loose them, I love them all 3 of them with my heart and soul.
Any advice.....? I wish there were something I could do to help her understand, I'm not the enemy.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not angry at either one of them, and I don't believe there is much I can do...it's their life...
but right now, my son doesn't like me very much, b/c I spoke up and got defensive. He screamed at me, "she was kidding!!!!" And never considered how I was feeling..
My DIL is incapable of accepting people as they are...in her eyes, if someone does something different they they way she does it, they are wrong....and honestly there is no right or wrong....it is who that person is...it's their identity....but she is unable to allow people their thoughts...and she will tell you your wrong, but in a very nice, Oh bless your heart kind of way, lol.
I really do love her and my son, but fear the feeling isn't mutual.
Simple. Keep the little shrew out of your house.
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