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I think that my parents' divorce was the least of my problems. The fact that my Mom was not mentally healthy and my Dad was an alcoholic...that was worse. When they divorced, I was about 10 and I was glad. They couldn't stand one another. My Mom had been taking me on middle of the night stake-outs to catch him cheating. My Dad couldn't stand to be at home.
But even though I had pretty dysfunctional parents, I think that I did in fact grow up OK. I like who I am. I am successful at my work, I have some really excellent relationships in my life. I'm usually in a pretty positive frame of mind. I don't go around being a jerk to others. I mean, yeah sure I've made mistakes and I've got a regret or two perhaps. But I think that I have had the capacity to learn and grow and I'm in a really good place now in most ways.
When I was raising my own kids, I tried really hard to keep my marriage together, to create a safe and happy home environment for the kids. I wasn't happy but they really didn't know that. People say that you can't hide such things from kids, but I really believe that I did...but that wasn't a good thing, though. Eventually when things went too sideways for me to wrangle into a manageable shape anymore and my ex really lost it...it blindsided my sons when they were teenagers and I think it was more traumatic for them, than if they'd seen it coming like I did with my parents. And between having it pretty easy up until that point and the hardship of their teens, and the onset of mental health issues for at least one of them...they are struggling a hell of a lot more than I did at their age.
I was scrappy and tough as a young adult. They seem fragile and almost helpless. And I do believe that a big part of that was that I could not expect anyone to solve any problem that mattered to me growing up, if I didn't do it myself. Meanwhile I've been right there to solve so many of my sons' problems that they never earned any real self confidence.
I don't know...sometimes it feels like parenting is impossible, or just a matter of sheer luck. Any parent can try so hard to do the absolute best they can but somehow mess it up in ways they just cannot see or understand. But we all just do our best anyways, and that's the best that we can do.
I tend to think that many marriages are shallow, given that most people are shallow. A couple may have a lot in common and still not be meaningfully connected or on the same page. The uncommon marriages, where there is a real connection, kindred spirits and all, are to be fully appreciated.
Sadly my parents were of the shallow variety and my father was abusive. My mother stuck it out. I left at 17.
I had two failed marriages, one lasting 19 months, the other 19 years. Both were very nice decent women who deserved better, and both subsequently found better. And in the process I changed and became also better ( or at least I like to think so ).
Happy to say none of my kids have failed marriages. All still have healthy relationships with each other and with both parents. My ( second ) marriage may have failed, but we did a lot of things right.
On the other hand we hear much more about the marriage failures and less so the successes. Hopefully there are more successes than are apparent.
We counseled our children to look for spouses whose parents were raised in a two parent family. In most cases they did. I think when you have role models that know how to roll with the ups and downs, your children learn those skills.
Over the years I have heard this more than a few times.
It's ok to marry someone that is divorced but never marry someone whose parents are divorced. They don't really know what a family is like.
I do believe that my husband's parents were truly happy in their marriage. They had six kids and they didn't have much money. But I've not heard one of the kids say that they didn't have a happy childhood. Meals were often 'stretched' when money was low but they kids were always clothed and the parents found cheap or free ways to entertain and do family things together. Among the kids, only one divorced.
My parents did not have a particularly happy one in general. In their case, it was more contention with moments of fun and pleasure. I used them as an example of what I did NOT want in marriage.
I think that my parents' divorce was the least of my problems. The fact that my Mom was not mentally healthy and my Dad was an alcoholic...that was worse. When they divorced, I was about 10 and I was glad. They couldn't stand one another. My Mom had been taking me on middle of the night stake-outs to catch him cheating. My Dad couldn't stand to be at home.
But even though I had pretty dysfunctional parents, I think that I did in fact grow up OK. I like who I am. I am successful at my work, I have some really excellent relationships in my life. I'm usually in a pretty positive frame of mind. I don't go around being a jerk to others. I mean, yeah sure I've made mistakes and I've got a regret or two perhaps. But I think that I have had the capacity to learn and grow and I'm in a really good place now in most ways.
When I was raising my own kids, I tried really hard to keep my marriage together, to create a safe and happy home environment for the kids. I wasn't happy but they really didn't know that. People say that you can't hide such things from kids, but I really believe that I did...but that wasn't a good thing, though. Eventually when things went too sideways for me to wrangle into a manageable shape anymore and my ex really lost it...it blindsided my sons when they were teenagers and I think it was more traumatic for them, than if they'd seen it coming like I did with my parents. And between having it pretty easy up until that point and the hardship of their teens, and the onset of mental health issues for at least one of them...they are struggling a hell of a lot more than I did at their age.
I was scrappy and tough as a young adult. They seem fragile and almost helpless. And I do believe that a big part of that was that I could not expect anyone to solve any problem that mattered to me growing up, if I didn't do it myself. Meanwhile I've been right there to solve so many of my sons' problems that they never earned any real self confidence.
I don't know...sometimes it feels like parenting is impossible, or just a matter of sheer luck. Any parent can try so hard to do the absolute best they can but somehow mess it up in ways they just cannot see or understand. But we all just do our best anyways, and that's the best that we can do.
That's good to hear because there's a lot of kids out there with divorced parents. I really don't like to judge people either way...but i am getting the impression here that many people think they are better than other for having had parents who stayed together...or are in a marriage that lasted vs someone who didnt.
That's good to hear because there's a lot of kids out there with divorced parents. I really don't like to judge people either way...but i am getting the impression here that many people think they are better than other for having had parents who stayed together...or are in a marriage that lasted vs someone who didnt.
When trying to honestly evaluate myself following the end of my first marriage, my thinking was that I, and every other adult around me, had "baggage." What mattered most was not the question of if they did or did not, it was more in "how are they stowing it?" Is the person self aware and working on being as healthy and honest with themselves as they can? Are they managing their own stuff, or expecting someone else to take over and manage it for them? Is that baggage neatly placed in the overhead bin or is it dirty unmentionables strewn halfway across the highway?
Frankly at that point, I stepped into the world of dating not only with that "divorced parents" history (least of my problems, like I said) but at age 36 with two teenage sons, a dangerous ex, and zero desire or ability to have any more kids ever. I was also still struggling with a lot of debt that got ran up in the final year that I was trying to keep my marriage and household together when it was flying apart at the seams. I had a LOT to process and a lot to carry. I actually said, "I wouldn't date me! I don't blame any guy who looks at all this and says, no thanks."
Yet. I did and still do have stable employment. I was determined that my kids, my ex, my finances, would NOT be a burden on anyone that I was dating or that I entered into a relationship with. I was very determined to "stow my own baggage." I have a strict set of personal ethics and when I believe in something, I hold to it.
To a point where the man I married, my second husband, has a substantial inheritance and I have access to the kind of money that would help with a lot of vestigial remains of those "baggage" issues but I DO NOT touch his money for any of that. It isn't mine. That's not what it's for.
And I suppose that some good qualities must have been evident enough, because I found some really good people who were interested in being part of my life. A few were lovers for a time who evolved into treasured friendships and one I married even though I didn't really expect to do that ever again.
As for the first marriage...all I can say about that, is that I was very young. I don't think for one second that my parents staying together would have made any difference in a positive direction there. I don't believe that I "chose" a dysfunctional partner so much as I was too passive and I allowed him to choose me, without really understanding the gravity of what was going on at the time. Still, I learned and grew a whole lot in the 18 years we were together.
I guess the thing is that sometimes surviving hardship codes dysfunction into a person's mind that causes them problems in relationships, but sometimes it makes you stronger and more capable and confident. Sometimes hardship builds character. I don't think that I'd really want to be with someone who had a perfect childhood and an easy life path... I prefer that my partner have some resilience because life does sometimes deal you a bad hand, and you've got to know what to do with it.
I can honestly say that I really did not see any really healthy relationships around me throughout most of my life. Until I left my ex, then suddenly I did. And I soaked up extensive discussion of healthy communication, boundaries, and all sorts of ideas and philosophies like a sponge, it was what I'd been longing for but never knew how to find. I spent too many years not believing it COULD be better, then all of a sudden...it was. And I was more than ready.
My parents are still together and have been for almost 46 years. I don't really consider myself lucky because they stayed together...but i suppose it would be weird for me if they didn't. If they didn't though what could i do about it? Nothing.
It's like saying, oh if you come from a family that has a lot of money you're lucky compared to someone who comes from a poor family. well thank you captain obvious! Do we really need to make people feel like crap for what they come from?
My parents are still together and have been for almost 46 years. I don't really consider myself lucky because they stayed together...but i suppose it would be weird for me if they didn't. If they didn't though what could i do about it? Nothing.
It's like saying, oh if you come from a family that has a lot of money you're lucky compared to someone who comes from a poor family. well thank you captain obvious! Do we really need to make people feel like crap for what they come from?
I mean, maybe if all else is equal then coming from money would be better than not...MAYBE. But first off I've seen/heard/read about families with money where the parents were really cold and distant and the kids grew up with unhealthy programming such that they still ended up miserable adults. And then, too, if someone comes up believing themselves to be intensely entitled and never truly has to earn what's theirs, they may become adults who can never derive real satisfaction or fulfillment from much of anything.
I guess I just think that life gives us what it gives us and then it's up to us what we make of it. Y'know?
Having money or having "good" parents do not determine who or what we are. We do that by ourselves. Money and "parents" are just factors, just like genetics and environment. Whatever our circumstances, life is still what we make of it.
Parents are what they are. They provide an early environment and have some influence. But if we are intelligent, we can learn what we need to from "good" or "bad" parents. We don't have to be like our parents. Parental divorce can be a good thing or a bad thing, depending on how we respond to the challenge.
Exactly...this is just an odd thread for the parenting forum. I'm sure it isn't helping any single parents out there
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