Happily married people: how to choose a partner wisely? (marriage, guys, therapy)
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I have been meeting many guys over the last couple of years. Some my mind approves of, but I don't feel romantic towards them. Others, that I actually feel drawn to instantly, are not the best for me, when you analyze the type of person they are.
How to make a wise choice? Listen to the mind? To the heart? What if I'm not meeting people that both my heart and mind agree on?
(Unless your mind is being unreasonable, and only you know that)
For me? Actions and words have to match, honor, honesty, attraction, same views on stuff (kids, relationships, money, etc.), needed to be in the same place as me financially, humor, ability to have a good time together even doing stupid stuff, etc.
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You have to think about how the person can be with you down the road in life. A lot of things have to be taken into consideration. I believe finding the right person means the person is willing to compromise and work things out with you even when both of you disagree. Don't just go for the heart or the reason, but look for the aspect of someone who is willing to work with on problem simply because he care about you. However, sometime is hard to tell if the person is genuine, so taking a leap at faith is necessary.
What if I'm not meeting people that both my heart and mind agree on?
Then keep going until you do.
One thing about commitment ... it's a choice. It's not magic. You are making a choice to stay with this person every day even with their quirks and faults. So knowing that you are not a perfect person and that you are not going to meet a perfect person will make the process easier for you.
Find someone you're attracted to who is also a good person at heart ... someone who is caring and can show that. Then be sure you are doing those things as well. Marriage is just a promise. It's not a shopping list that you check off.
I would think that if you meet lots of guys who your head says are great, you may want to figure out why your heart doesn't - meaning some sort of therapy might be in order.
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Moderator: Relationships Forum / Hawaii Forum / Dogs / Pets / Current Events
In my experience, only about 1 in 20 people appeal in both heart and mind early on, and most of those don't survive once I got to know them better. So, the more people you meet, the better the chance of meeting someone who will have it all - or close enough. DON'T settle.
I'd would suggest that you might sacrifice some of the objective items in favor of great chemistry/heart. As long as those compromises aren't on deal-breaker issues, it can work out well.
Do you truly care about the person equally or more than yourself?
That is the litmus test for me. I care more about my spouses needs and happiness than my own. If both truly do this then a real partnership has been established.
I knew what I liked and what would work for the kind of relationship dynamic I desired based on my experiences, observations, life stage, preferences, etc. It was definitely a combination of mind and heart. Everyone has their own criteria and what all of that looks like will vary widely. I had deal-breakers that others wouldn't think much about, as did my husband. I put a premium on things that were a key aspect of intellectual and emotional intimacy and compatible partnership. Those are things you figure out as you meet, interact, date, and experience others and what you like or don't like.
I know in my experience I can immediately judge people if I like them or not. Am I right in doing this? Probably not.
Many whom I feel I'm going to like often let me down the more I'm around them.
Stands to reason, then, that some people who you feel you wouldn't like would grow on you the more you were around them.
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