Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I ended up saying it was only okay if you felt comfortable answering the same thing back. And I said that that person could ask, but that I might let them know that I am uncomfortable answering.
There is the old secrets act fallback - "You can ask, but if I answer, I'll have to shoot you."
I see it as a request for someone's time and attention, rather than just assuming that I'm entitled to it and they won't have any problem giving it to me.
If they are an employee in a place of business, it's me acknowledging that they have other job duties besides standing around answering my inquiries and I know that I may be interrupting the flow of their work, and it feels polite to ask rather than just cruising up like "HEY where can I find the <product?>" I am also generally willing to wait a moment for an employee in a place of business to conclude what they are doing and give me their attention. I've worked those kinds of jobs before. It's important to me, to be the kind of customer who is polite and doesn't make their day feel more stressful. A well mannered interaction can make a difference, versus one that feels rude or demanding. It is fairly interchangeable with, "excuse me." I also thank them and sometimes wish them a nice day at the conclusion of the interaction.
This makes sense to do in most of the Midwest, Rocky Mountain and Western states. Possibly also the South. Not so much places like the Mid-Atlantic states or some of the Rust Belt cities, from my experience. The social vibe is a lot more "don't waste my time, get to the point then get out of my face, or better yet do not speak to me at all" there, in my experience. Some places are more casually friendly than others.
Other scenarios - asking a stranger in public a question. Doing it this way, like I said, requests a moment of their time in a polite way. They can feel free to say, "sorry I'm in a rush, can't stop" if they are trying to dash off somewhere and really can't spare a moment. Or if they just really do not want to interact with a stranger (me)...it's fine. If it's a known person, a friend or family member, it still works as a request for a little of their time and attention. They may have it to spare right that moment or they might instead be like, "hang on a sec" or "let me call you on my break" or for the gamers in the family, they may not be willing to give their full attention until they finish what they are doing in that moment.
So it conveys that I am fine with waiting until I have their attention. And I appreciate when my husband does this "when you have a minute" kind of approach with me rather than just asking me something, since I work from home.
Can I ask you a question? Which Rust Belt cities did you have in mind?
"Can I ask you a question?" is often a prelude to an intrusive and/or confrontational inquiry.
And it is sort of a trap. If you say "yes" (the expected answer) then you are kind of committing to answering whatever the question is (usually something that puts you on the spot).
Saying "no" puts you in the position of appearing elusive, defensive and brusque.
A good answer is "Why do you need to ask me a question?" which might flush out the motive or even better "never mind".
My experience is similar to yours regarding the type of question that typically follows 'can I ask you a question'
Another thought: it might be a way to get those staring compulsively at their phones to look up and really pay attention to what you're about to say. Like, hello?
Can I ask you a question? Which Rust Belt cities did you have in mind?
...serious question, heh
My own experience was in a few in Ohio, mainly Cincinnati, but it was quite a while ago. And mainly I say this because when I moved to Des Moines from there, the sheer...niceness...of strangers in the Midwest felt like a kind of culture shock to me. At first it felt weird and fake. Then as I acclimated to it, it grew on me. No, niceness is not the same as real kindness or respect, but developing a habit of it (if backed by genuinely pro-social sentiment rather than any particular agenda) can LEAD an individual to be more kind and respectful to others around them. Eventually I found my way to the west coast where I got a crash course in what actual "fake" nice really looks like. People who act like they are your best buddy but scheme to use your or stab you in the back from the start.
It's why overall I like Colorado best. The people I have become close to there have managed to blend nice with genuine, common sense with fun, just a bunch of qualities that I appreciate...not that there are no bad people there, of course, there are anywhere. I just feel like there's been a social vibe that's a little different in every place I've lived.
(Edit - and yes, I know that Ohio considers itself to be part of the Midwest, but I always thought that was odd. It's more mid...east? Anyways, I found it to not be much like Iowa at all, except for the vowel to consonant ratio of its name.)
Another thought: it might be a way to get those staring compulsively at their phones to look up and really pay attention to what you're about to say. Like, hello?
That would work if I didn't meet the person remotely through an app only, lol.
I try to build context before trying to meet someone. Some people have thought I try to meet too fast, and in some of those past cases, yes. I learned quick though. Usually, depending on what the other person is looking for or what they say or don't say, that can escalate or slow things down.
It's reasonable to have a good balance of some wait time and a time to escalate or move on.
Apparently, this is socially acceptable to ask "Can I ask you a question?"
Why not just ask the question outright?
By having to ask that, is someone hiding too much?
Apparently, this question shows humility, but for me it shows social anxiety. It's non-sensical to me and I just don't like it. I guess when I encounter it, for me, it's best to push social boundaries positively and if it doesn't work out, move on.
My wiseacre response would be, 'You just did, kthanksbye!'
But alas, I never had the opportunity.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
