People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" (anxiety, husband)
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"Can I ask you a question?" is often a prelude to an intrusive and/or confrontational inquiry.
And it is sort of a trap. If you say "yes" (the expected answer) then you are kind of committing to answering whatever the question is (usually something that puts you on the spot).
Saying "no" puts you in the position of appearing elusive, defensive and brusque.
A good answer is "Why do you need to ask me a question?" which might flush out the motive or even better "never mind".
The whole potential "trap" thing, yes. You get it.
Guess I've had a lot of bad experiences in various communities of people who have used lines like this. Yeah, if it's online and they get nasty, I can just block. I do get tricked for a bit sometimes, and it can be hard to balance with so much media and various platforms and in-person. I "make it work."
And this is online only, this requires more context for a proper question. "Can I ask you a personal question?" is much better than "Can I ask you a question?" even though it's only one word. Asking this in-person is much better than online. That's why context is so important.
Just even talking this out makes me realize I need to come up with witty responses to overly vague things. Such as replying it is a question that is personal, and something that person would be okay to answer back.
Have I temporarily fallen into traps that lead off from something like this? Yes. Am I always right? Definitely not, especially after talking it out with friends too.
As usual, it's probably all of the above- social inconsistencies on my part sometimes and people just being manipulative a-wipes too.
OK I will clarify. "Can I ask you a question?" may or may not signify trouble ahead.
I am thinking more of "Do you mind if I ask you a question?"
To me this sounds like "I know you probably won't like me asking, but ....".
Think of the range of possible answers to "Do you mind if I..."
"Why yes I do mind!"
"Am I somehow supposed to be concerned about your abilities to figure out how others think?"
"If you ask a question, and I DO mind, what do you expect of me as a response?"
"Are you attempting to read my mind? What I find offensive or not is MY business, not yours."
Straight face and a stare--- "How about if I answer you with - 'Do you mind if I answer that question?'"
Honestly, the question is rude. If you don't have a clue whether or not a question should be asked... you might not need to be asking it.
At the hospital, I just stopped and looked and waited. If the patient was incapable of recognizing the response, they blithely continued. It wasn't a concern to me, I just knew then that they were trying to do their own work with me as a "mirror" and not having a real interaction. As long as they weren't in a feedback loop, I intuited that it was likely helpful for them to lay the groundwork for that "question" in a safe space and explore. Dropping any ego response or antagonism and just listening to facilitate can be supportive.
Again, in everyday life such lead-ins are usually innocuous. If it happens and the individual is stuck, that will become painfully apparent, often quickly.
Consider the "Do you mind if I ..." within a power structure, and the class or ethics requirement to even ask such a question. That lead-in is a full-on attempt (sometimes speciously) at subservience or groveling.
If you want to break such a pattern, I'm certain you can come up with responses that challenge, yet are kind in their own way.
Apparently, this is socially acceptable to ask "Can I ask you a question?"
Why not just ask the question outright?
By having to ask that, is someone hiding too much?
Apparently, this question shows humility, but for me it shows social anxiety. It's non-sensical to me and I just don't like it. I guess when I encounter it, for me, it's best to push social boundaries positively and if it doesn't work out, move on.
I do that to store employees but it isn't anxiety. I ask in case they are in midst of something and do not want to be disturbed.
I do that to store employees but it isn't anxiety. I ask in case they are in midst of something and do not want to be disturbed.
Sure, being at a store has context and it is in-person. I could even see myself saying such a thing, now, in that particular context. Online, I have no clue who the person is. I am not meeting them in a store and seeing them doing something. Also, there is not necessarily the context of dating thrown in into the store situation (and, well, there is literally a relatively recent thread for that (potential dating "possibilities" in a grocery store) in the relationships field lol.)
I didn't put this in dating because I just "met" the person, but I could've as I now see.
i have recently done this myself, and i actually wondered why i would ask if i could ask the question. but the question i wanted to ask was extremely personal (having to do with the passing of infant twins right after birth). so i asked, can i ask you a question ...but i don't want you to feel like you have to answer...
i think many times it's done when we are dealing with the most intimate and difficult subjects; as if this would somehow make it easier, or slightly more polite.
i think many times it's done when we are dealing with the most intimate and difficult subjects; as if this would somehow make it easier, or slightly more polite.
If you have to ask, the question is likely inappropriate.
If you have to ask, the question is likely inappropriate.
I disagree, and furthermore I think that it's harmful to have this expectation that we are all mind readers to know if a sensitive question would be inappropriate and ill received or completely fine to ask.
To look at an example mentioned above - A stranger online shares that they had something tragic happen, like a baby dying. And someone has a question about that, and the question does not come from a place of ill-intent. Such as, if the person who originally spoke of their loss, it was many years in the past, and another person online had suffered a more recent similar thing and wanted to ask if, after years have passed, the pain is ever more bearable. That is such a very human thing to wonder, and frankly the first individual may really appreciate the chance to talk about it. They might have come on the internet and shared about it in the first place HOPING to be able to offer comfort for anyone else who is in grief. Giving people an opportunity to be kind, is in and of itself kind.
Asking for permission to open a conversation first however, gives the first person the opportunity to gracefully decline if they would rather not talk about it.
Alternately, some heartless troll could instead ask something like, "did you fail to take perfect care of your health during your pregnancy? Is it your fault your baby died?" THAT would be a vicious, vicious trap and a very evil thing to do.
I would be far more upset with the person who has a harmful intention behind whatever line of conversation they are trying to initiate, regardless of whether they said, "can I ask you something" or just launched into it.
But in my experience, and maybe this is at least partly because I don't go out of my way to engage in the edgier arguments of the internet landscape...the people with decent intention outnumber the trolls, edgelords and other online bottom feeders - and those are easy enough to ignore.
Apparently, this is socially acceptable to ask "Can I ask you a question?"
Why not just ask the question outright?
By having to ask that, is someone hiding too much?
Apparently, this question shows humility, but for me it shows social anxiety. It's non-sensical to me and I just don't like it. I guess when I encounter it, for me, it's best to push social boundaries positively and if it doesn't work out, move on.
From experience, I will tell you my answer to that question whenever anyone asks me that. Or "Can I ask you a personal question?"
them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: I'm not sure. If you are asking permission to hurt my feelings, no. If you are being nosey and want some new gossip, no. I might answer and I might not. I don't know what your question is, so I can't answer it.
The unspoken part is "...that may be none of my business and may offend or anger you? If so, I'm absolved of blame in advance because you gave me permission."
I ended up saying it was only okay if you felt comfortable answering the same thing back. And I said that that person could ask, but that I might let them know that I am uncomfortable answering.
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