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Bit of a back story here. 21-year-old daughter (in college 100 miles away) and I are close, and I am going through a very hard time personally and physically right now. She knows. I explained to her that I love to talk with her, but need to be in a comfortable spot first (mentally and physically). Hard to describe autoimmune brain fog, but I am telling the truth. I ask that she please just text first. If the phone rings without a text I will assume it is an emergency and always answer.
She keeps breaching this. I need this boundary right now for the sake of my own sanity and health. I have explained to no avail. We text all of the time, I just saw her a few days ago, and often when she calls it is just her going on and on about things such as what she ate for breakfast... Each time I answer without a text first, my heart is in my chest because it just has to be an emergency because no text first, right? WRONG. So often now, I do notanswer. I will text back right away and ask if all is well, and it always is.
Tonight she called at almost 11 pm just as we were getting in from our son's ball game. Seeing the time, I definitely answered, wanting to know what was wrong. Almost 11 pm, mind you. She says nothing is wrong just wanted to chat. She already called her Dad today and talked, plus we have texted today. I asked her if it wasn't urgent, could it wait til tomorrow? I am tired, it is late, etc. She acted offended and got off the phone. I have never been a cold person and resent that I am being treated as if I am. My feeling is that they are not used to me having boundaries. I try to explain them very carefully first, and I only have a few, but I need to take care of myself right now. There is enough of me to go around if I conserve my energy, but just not "on demand." Am I in the wrong here?
Maybe it's an age thing, but I find "texting before calling," or "scheduling a phone call," pretty weird. I'm in my 60s, and i do have some friends who will text and ask "Can I call you tomorrow?" or something like that. I remind them that our whole lives we have simply CALLED people when we wanted to call. If it's not a convenient time, I won't pick up.
OP, you are very fortunate to have a daughter who stays in close contact! If you don’t feel like picking up when she calls, she can leave a voicemail, or send a text stating the reason for her call. On the other hand, since you've asked her to text before calling, it's weird that she repeatedly refuses. But overall many parents would love to have adult children who call them at all.
Your assuming that her calls indicate an emergency is a bit weird too. You should try to get that mindset under control.
It might be time to consider that adults, even young ones, need to find strategies to handle their own "emergencies." I know that as parents we always want to be there for our kids, but once they are adults and as we age, we have GOT to start placing boundaries.
I have a son who is 22 right now and has very serious mental illness. He is however capable of enough sanity to make choices and be responsible for outcomes. But he has definitely had a number of true life or death emergencies over the years.
Nevertheless there came a point where I realized that having my sleep disrupted in the middle of the night or the wee hours of the morning was making it hard for me to function at work. I have to live my own life, too, and a good night's sleep is really not too much to ask.
So I told my two sons, when I am sleeping at night, my phone will be on silent. And there will also be times I am enjoying a movie with my husband, or I'm driving my car, and I might not respond immediately to texts or calls. I will get back to you when I can.
And you know what? They have managed. And I have to take further steps even than that, because really a big part of why they aren't the most functional adults is that I've stepped in to rescue them from the consequences of their mistakes or solve their problems for them far too many times. They never had, the way I did, to learn how to find their own solutions. And it has made them less capable and less confident. Think about it...when we were their ages, we didn't even have cell phones. We didn't go calling our parents or older adult relatives at 11pm. I was taught that after 8 was too late for a phone call.
While it's great that you are close with your daughter...as they get into adulthood, we really do need to let them find their own feet in the world. To not only practice those problem solving skills, but to learn to think ahead and be responsible because no one is going to bail them out if they do stupid things. It's not easy, but I really think that parents of young adult kids nowadays need to work on this. So yeah, enforcing your own boundaries is also good for THEM.
OP: You told her your preference and she's chosen to ignore you. You keep picking up the phone when you don't want to. That's a "you" problem. Let her calls go to voicemail or text her saying: "What's up?"
I also have phone anxiety, especially FaceTime - I find it rude that people will just randomly FT you. I've asked for a text before a FT call. I let regular calls go unanswered and then see if they leave a message - if not, the "What's up?" text works for me.
OP: You told her your preference and she's chosen to ignore you. You keep picking up the phone when you don't want to. That's a "you" problem. Let her calls go to voicemail or text her saying: "What's up?"
This. You've explained your position/preference but she's chosen to ignore you. Because you don't hold to it. You've taught your daughter you don't mean what you say. You cave in and pick up the call anyway. Actually, you don't really believe what you say either. You assume the worst and make an exception out of every call. Until you get a handle on that, nothing will change!
Last edited by Parnassia; 03-30-2024 at 03:03 PM..
Bit of a back story here. 21-year-old daughter (in college 100 miles away) and I are close, and I am going through a very hard time personally and physically right now. She knows. I explained to her that I love to talk with her, but need to be in a comfortable spot first (mentally and physically). Hard to describe autoimmune brain fog, but I am telling the truth. I ask that she please just text first. If the phone rings without a text I will assume it is an emergency and always answer.
She keeps breaching this. I need this boundary right now for the sake of my own sanity and health. I have explained to no avail. We text all of the time, I just saw her a few days ago, and often when she calls it is just her going on and on about things such as what she ate for breakfast... Each time I answer without a text first, my heart is in my chest because it just has to be an emergency because no text first, right? WRONG. So often now, I do notanswer. I will text back right away and ask if all is well, and it always is.
Tonight she called at almost 11 pm just as we were getting in from our son's ball game. Seeing the time, I definitely answered, wanting to know what was wrong. Almost 11 pm, mind you. She says nothing is wrong just wanted to chat. She already called her Dad today and talked, plus we have texted today. I asked her if it wasn't urgent, could it wait til tomorrow? I am tired, it is late, etc. She acted offended and got off the phone. I have never been a cold person and resent that I am being treated as if I am. My feeling is that they are not used to me having boundaries. I try to explain them very carefully first, and I only have a few, but I need to take care of myself right now. There is enough of me to go around if I conserve my energy, but just not "on demand." Am I in the wrong here?
I know how you feel, as I am experiencing something similar with a couple of my friends. I hadn't realized how dependent on me as a sympathetic 'ear' they actually are, until I experienced a very scary health event and have had to pull back my involvement in their lives.
I am working hard on getting well, but I need a lot of rest and avoidance of stress as much as possible (especially now that I am back at work, which stress caused the health issue in the first place) and a couple of friends (both of whom are retired) are starting to get bothered by the fact I don't want to have a bunch of negative crap dumped on me all the time.
I say to them why can't you tell me about the good things going on once in awhile, but they only want to dump the crap. Well guess what I am just not listening any more. I have my own crap and I am working on finding a better healthier way to cope, and focusing on the good things in my life. I only want to talk about the good things, the things to be grateful for, the tings to be happy about. Take it to your therapist is what I said to one of them and haven't heard from her since. It's been very peaceful lol.
Anyway, back to you. I don't text or use the phone either one, and I don't have children but it is my opinion your adult daughter could be a little more respectful of your requests, since she knows exactly why you have asked her to do so.
So, in order to take care of yourself, stop answering the phone, unless your adult daughter calls at a time you are prepared to talk. If she has an emergency she'll either text you if you don't answer, or she'll have to find another way to deal with it until you are available.
What do you consider an emergency? If it’s medical, she can call for an ambulance or go to student health. If she is being physically threatened, she can call 911 or campus police. Even if you didn’t have your own health and personal issues, what could you do for her 100 miles away (or even if she lived a few blocks away)? And with the brain fog, how could you be of help to her in an emergency if you can’t think clearly and calmly? I always am amused about parents who insist that their kids have cell phones in school, in case of an emergency. And they will mention school shootings! If there is an active shooter, police won’t let parents in. How could they save their kids when law enforcement has difficulty handling such situations? Would love to know what you personally consider a potential emergency and what you could do.
This. You've explained your position/preference but she's chosen to ignore you. Because you don't hold to it. You've taught your daughter you don't mean what you say. You cave in and pick up the call anyway. Actually, you don't really believe what you say either. You assume the worst and make an exception out of every call. Until you get a handle on that, nothing will change!
Exactly. Your boundaries aren't for other people to follow, they're for you to follow. If OP has told her daughter that she won't answer the phone without a text first, it's not up to the daughter to stop calling, it's for the OP to stop answering.
Personally, I like the text before phone call. I have a friend who always does this and I have started to do it also with other people. I feel it gives the person receiving the call the chance to either text me it's a good time, or text me it's not. Saves on voicemails which some people don't even listen to.
Texting or calling after 9pm is a no-go for me. My phone is on silent and I don't answer because I'm in bed asleep. People who know me don't call late anyway.
Like other people posted--stop answering your phone! It's the only way your daughter will learn.
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