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Honestly, I don't get the "text before calling" thing, either. Doesn't that also require you to be constantly vigilant and have your phone near you and on? If so, what's the difference? If the text reads "just want to chat," do you text back, "no"? What if she keeps texting? If I wanted peace and quiet, I'd turn off the phone. What you're looking for is, "Don't call me; I'll call you."
Not ridiculous. Maybe you've never heard of someone doing that but it's common actually. I had a friend who would text and say, can you take a call? She wasn't sure of my working hours or if I might be in traffic or whatever - it's a common courtesy for those who text frequently and talk on the phone less.
Just because it's not a common practice for you, doesn't mean it's a ridiculous scenario for others. I can appreciate the OP setting her boundaries with her grown child and being mildly irritated when the daughter ignores her wishes. Especially with health issues - sometimes, you might not want to actually speak with someone - texting might be all the energy you can muster.
Chastising someone who indicated already that she's close to her daughter, but annoyed that she can't be respectful, is a bit backwards IMO.
I agree. I have a DIL, who doesn't work so she gets bored and calls a lot. Sometimes I am at work, driving to work, driving home, in the grocery store, or sleeping. This is almost everyday. She knows my work schedule but just cant help herself. We have had discussions about calling at 6 am on the weekends. She sometimes gets mad if I dont answer then will not answer when I get a chance to call her back. I have asked her to just text when she knows I am at work or driving or trying to sleep in. I let it go because mostly, not to be mean but, she has some mental issues she takes meds for.
I dont turn my phone off because she is not the only one in my life and I might like to hear from someone else or there might be an emergency.
asking someone to text you before they call you has got to be one of the dumbest things I have ever heard.
if it isn't a good time, or you can't talk on the phone, you don't answer, that's what answering machines are for.
also, phones also turn off.
this really took the cake, a text before a phone call. LOL
ridicoulos.
Some people never check their messages. Some people infrequently check their e-mail.
Its tricky these days. Do you contact them by e-mail, text, phone, letter, knocking on the door...?!
I have a college age kid that calls often to chat. If she calls past 10:00, I will typically just not answer since that’s when I like to go to bed. There are other items I won’t answer if I’m in the middle of something such as driving my younger kids and their friends, in the middle of some activity with the younger kids, or cooking. I just call her back as soon as I’m available for a visit. It’s really not a big deal if I can’t answer due to typical busyness. Her calling to talk to me doesn’t mean she’s being inconsiderate of her younger siblings. I’m her mom, too, and that doesn’t end when you drop them off at college.
I think if I would approach it like the OP is wanting to, it would negatively impact our relationship. It’s important to me that my kid knows she’s loved and I enjoy interacting with her.
Not ridiculous. Maybe you've never heard of someone doing that but it's common actually. I had a friend who would text and say, can you take a call? She wasn't sure of my working hours or if I might be in traffic or whatever - it's a common courtesy for those who text frequently and talk on the phone less.
If you're driving you shouldn't be responding to a phone. Whether the person is calling OR texting they probably shouldn't be getting an answer. Your reply will be delayed either way, making the exploratory text sort of pointless. If you can't drop what you're doing to answer a call, you probably can't drop what you're doing to answer a text about a phone call! IMHO, responding to a voice call takes less concentration than responding to a text, but I don't do either when behind the wheel. Both remove part of your active brain from where it belongs.
Last edited by Parnassia; 04-01-2024 at 02:47 PM..
I would probably just stop calling you and only text.. If you don't want to answer the phone, then stop answering it.
That's some really strange behavior on your part.
Again she answers the phone in case it's an emergency. With a daughter with health issues there is nothing at all strange about this behavior. Imagine ignoring the call and later learning something really bad had happened? This is her fear and again nothing strange at all about it.
What is strange behavior is the daughter continuing to ignore her mother's request. Again she has her own issues and needs to take care of herself.
If you're driving you shouldn't be responding to a phone. Whether the person is calling OR texting they probably shouldn't be getting an answer. Your reply will be delayed either way, making the exploratory text sort of pointless. If you can't drop what you're doing to answer a call, you probably can't drop what you're doing to answer a text about a phone call! IMHO, responding to a voice call takes less concentration than responding to a text, but I don't do either when behind the wheel. Both remove part of your active brain from where it belongs.
My comment wasn't meant to imply that I look at my phone while driving - I don't. It seems that people who don't understand the text before a call is common to some, that it's just silly. My thought was, only a few people I actually know do that and it works for me. I don't like talking on the phone. Being prepared for a phone call helps my anxiety. You all don't have to understand it but you can stop calling it silly or ridiculous or pointless etc. I think the OP is being fair with her kid. Her kid is being a bit self-absorbed, common for someone that age.
A boundary is not something that someone else will do (or not do), because we cannot make people act how we want them to. We can make a request for them to do (or not do) something, but then it falls on us to make a choice as to how we will respond. That is a boundary.
When our words match our actions, it helps people learn to trust and respect us. If you clearly, and kindly, tell your daughter that due to your energy levels from your health condition, you need to plan calls in advance with a text, then you need to follow through and not answer unless there is a text or voicemail.
Ideally, you would have a respectful conversation about this first so that you can understand where each other is coming from, but once that has happened, you need to back up your words with consistent actions. Once we become adults (even if family), we have to learn that other people have preferences that we don't always like or agree with.
In terms of this specific issue, texting before calling, my preference would be to be able to just call people like we did back before cell phones, texting, etc. My assumption being that they only need answer if its a good time, and otherwise I can leave a message and they can call back when its convenient. But I have one long-term friend who just cannot handle spontaneous phone calls. I wish we could have more spontaneity in our communication, but I've accepted that this is what works for her.
There's something else to consider: Extroverts usually like to talk on the phone. Introverts typically hate phone calls and prefer texts. The reason, I believe, is due to anxiety AND the energy that's exchanged.
In a phone call, you have to expel and receive lots of energy, directly into your being.
Texting gives a buffer to this energy exchange.
Some people have to carefully monitor their energy - maybe they have porous boundaries or difficulties with certain people that trigger them.
I do not enjoy talking on the phone usually and especially with strangers or family who is untrustworthy or abusive.
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If you're driving you shouldn't be responding to a phone. Whether the person is calling OR texting they probably shouldn't be getting an answer. Your reply will be delayed either way, making the exploratory text sort of pointless. If you can't drop what you're doing to answer a call, you probably can't drop what you're doing to answer a text about a phone call! IMHO, responding to a voice call takes less concentration than responding to a text, but I don't do either when behind the wheel. Both remove part of your active brain from where it belongs.
I would probably just stop calling you and only text.. If you don't want to answer the phone, then stop answering it. 