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I've been friends with a lady for 15 years now. She had made it clear on several occasions early on in our friendship that she wasn't interested in anything more. However, she's always asking to come over my place and hang out. Every chance she gets she wants to spend time with me. She even suggested that we plan an out of town trip together this summer. When she is over my place, all we end up doing is drink, order out, watch television/movies and sometimes play card games. From time to time I might put my arm around her and we'd snuggle for a bit, but nothing more. I hate to sound cynical, but given that things really don't appear to have the potential to move forward between us, I can't help but wonder whether she's been keeping me friendzoned all these years to extract the benefits of being in a relationship with me without having to confront the possibility of physical intimacy.
She probably just wants companionship, without all the extras.
Curious that you use the word friendzone. That implies you’ve wanted more, where she’s been operating under the assumption that you’re actually friends.
Having hidden motives is a lousy way to be a friend.
I've been friends with a lady for 15 years now. She had made it clear on several occasions early on in our friendship that she wasn't interested in anything more. However, she's always asking to come over my place and hang out. Every chance she gets she wants to spend time with me. She even suggested that we plan an out of town trip together this summer. When she is over my place, all we end up doing is drink, order out, watch television/movies and sometimes play card games. From time to time I might put my arm around her and we'd snuggle for a bit, but nothing more. I hate to sound cynical, but given that things really don't appear to have the potential to move forward between us, I can't help but wonder whether she's been keeping me friendzoned all these years to extract the benefits of being in a relationship with me without having to confront the possibility of physical intimacy.
It's called 'I like this guy as a friend.'
That's it. It's not complicated.
She clearly enjoys your company, but that doesn't mean that she wants to be 'exclusive' with you. Going on trips is what friends do. Spending time playing games, cards, watching TV is what friends do.
If you thought that you would wear her down, well, it's time for you to have a talk with her, because she's clearly not interested in more.
Your choices are:
Continue to enjoy the friendship and stop thinking she's 'using' you.
Go ahead with your theory and call her out. But you'll probably lose that friend.
The friend zone thing that women do not appreciate comes off as though an entire friendship (as we saw it) was never genuine. It was only ever a ploy to pursue an agenda. And further, that the man never saw us as a person but only as a potential means to an end. Part of the problem here, too, is that for a lot of women the value of a friendship is considered to be generally greater than that of a romantic partner. Most of us have mixed experiences dating men. Such men come and go, in our lives, and many wind up being regrets. But a friend...a real and true actual friend...is someone you can really count on, someone who might be part of your life for decades or even life-long. Which is why it can be difficult for a woman to accept that men see it in the opposite way, that the true and fulfilling thing is in a romantic relationship, that friendship alone may feel lacking.
For women, sex can ruin a friendship. For men, lack of it ruins what could otherwise be a relationship. When it's the same situation and these two different perspectives...it can be quite hurtful to both parties. And both may feel that the other person wants to "use" them, or is doing them wrong.
If the only perspective you can really consider here is your own, and not also hers, then perhaps she is wise not to give you her heart along with everything else.
But I find this thread very interesting when placed alongside the one you started in Relationships, where you said you were not even trying to get dates anymore and were just flat out avoiding contact with women because you think that they see you as threatening. This friend does not appear to see you as threatening. She seems to feel safe around you. Are these scenarios just made up for the sake of intellectual exercise or what?
But I find this thread very interesting when placed alongside the one you started in Relationships, where you said you were not even trying to get dates anymore and were just flat out avoiding contact with women because you think that they see you as threatening. This friend does not appear to see you as threatening. She seems to feel safe around you. Are these scenarios just made up for the sake of intellectual exercise or what?
She has been in plenty of relationships with other men, and has had a number of sex partners. I'm sure she appreciates physical intimacy at least as much as I do.
So she's been in relationships and still does those things with you, going on trips, hanging out, card games, arms around you, snuggle, etc.....
That's very odd for a woman to do when in a relationship with another man.
So she's been in relationships and still does those things with you, going on trips, hanging out, card games, arms around you, snuggle, etc.....
That's very odd for a woman to do when in a relationship with another man.
Nah, it's not odd at all. From her perspective, he's her friend. Has nothing to do with any romantic relationships in which she may be involved.
It's that same old argument that Sally and Harry had in that old movie. Harry claims men always want sex, so can't have a real friendship with a woman. Even if they are friends, the claim is, men still want to have sex with them. Women, on the other hand can separate friends from sexual feelings, even in the opposite gender. (Generally speaking of course. There are always exceptions.)
However it brings up another thought. If that thing about men is really true, that men always want sex, even with friends, does that go for gay men as well? Gay men have male friends too, don't they? Are they all wishing they could have sex with their male friends as well as their romantic partners?
Nah, it's not odd at all. From her perspective, he's her friend. Has nothing to do with any romantic relationships in which she may be involved.
It's that same old argument that Sally and Harry had in that old movie. Harry claims men always want sex, so can't have a real friendship with a woman. Even if they are friends, the claim is, men still want to have sex with them. Women, on the other hand can separate friends from sexual feelings, even in the opposite gender. (Generally speaking of course. There are always exceptions.)
However it brings up another thought. If that thing about men is really true, that men always want sex, even with friends, does that go for gay men as well? Gay men have male friends too, don't they? Are they all wishing they could have sex with their male friends as well as their romantic partners?
I wonder......
Movies don't reflect reality.
How many man would be okay with their girlfriend, going on trips, spending nights, playing games, arms around them, snuggle with another man?
Doesn't matter the circumstances, that's a no no. Most dude is not going to be okay with that and most women know that. That's why I say it's odd and doesn't make sense.
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