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I'm curious; based on where I suspect you live you both should have multiple job opportunities as college professors within a 2 -3 hour drive of your current location.
Your suspicion is probably 3 hours off A 3-4 hour radius reaches the other populated areas of Oregon. 6 hours would encompass Seattle which would open up more.
I'm open to such an arrangement although its not ideal. It would be a less severe continuation of some of the same problems.
It's a complicated situation but in brief:
- my gf wants to get married by the end of 2015. I'm still kind of unsure & have become used to being independent.
...
- I love my job - it is exactly what I always wanted to do and I get a lot of satisfaction from it. I am also extremely jealous of my financial security after having some very tough years 2008-2011 and now finally have the security I craved. This is a very safe job - we have a cba. Due to retirements I'm now the senior person in my program so my position is such that the economy & layoffs would have to be severely bad for me to be cut (as long as I am performing appropriately)
...
I feel like I have to make this heart-wrenching choice between career and love and either one will come with significant regret. I'm quite sure - I mean, I know my gf pretty well, that choosing to marry her will mean I will give up this job in the not-too-distant future because she will want to move on.
...
Just wondering if you folks here have any advice?
Those of us who have been through financial dislocations know that there is nothing in life more important than never, ever being caught in those places again.
There are billions of people on the earth. Odds are, there is at least one out there whose values do not include "my way or the highway".
This woman does not have your interest in mind. You are an interim measure. She's got a lot of bottled up anger (that's what makes her so emphatic on having her own way). She is controlling and manipulative. She is likely to be a stalker if things do not go her way. She is likely to create drama for you at work, and you'll be out on your ear anyway. CUT ALL TIES, the sooner the better.
Consult an attorney NOW, for a restraining order. Change your email and ditch your cell phone. Get a landline with caller id and a good hour of recording capability.
When you have the conversation tell her that you have consulted an attorney and are prepared to take out a restraining order. Those show up on her criminal background checks. If she really is as career-focused as she asserts, that should stop her from causing you permanent heartache.
Here's what's working against you: people in smaller towns are unlikely to take your side when a manipulative psycho claims that you have ruined her life. Quite frankly, real sociopaths do everything they can to get out of small towns (unless they own them) and head for the big city. That's where the money is. OK, right now you have little money. She is manipulating you for kicks.
You really want to have children with somebody who has shown herself to be controlling, manipulative, imperious and totally unfeeling?
It is clear you are a nice guy, and a gentleman, and want to do the "right thing". That makes you shark meat for people like this. Extricate yourself completely, as quickly as possible, after taking some protective measures.
Google "narcissistic personality disorder" and "antisocial personality disorder". Then run for the hills.
This might just be the craziest thing I have ever read. Just because you're married doesn't mean you are not still individuals who need to communicate with one another about your needs. I guess if my soon to be husband had the attitude that I must listen to him based on the sole fact that he is the man, then we wouldn't be getting married. Never, ever forget that you are an individual. I think that is what is wrong with many marriages is people have a tough time balancing out their individual selves and their together selves.... and it can become a blur.
I am still myself, hes not some abusive, control freak. A husband having sole say and me listening doesnt mean I cant speak up. It means if he says " We are moving to California so i can become a surfer", im allowed to say "where will we live and what will be do until you become one" but im not to throw a hissy fit and say " i dont want to and you cant make me". Im still me, I just have my husband over me for our marriage and family choices. Its not a foreign idea, its a long forgotten idea.
I am still myself, hes not some abusive, control freak. A husband having sole say and me listening doesnt mean I cant speak up. It means if he says " We are moving to California so i can become a surfer", im allowed to say "where will we live and what will be do until you become one" but im not to throw a hissy fit and say " i dont want to and you cant make me". Im still me, I just have my husband over me for our marriage and family choices. Its not a foreign idea, its a long forgotten idea.
ok.
You're allowed to say? Your husband is "over you for marriage and family choices"? This should be a long forgotten idea. Because it's a BAD idea. In fact, it's an idea I would expect from an insane group like ISIS or the like. If your spirit has been crushed to the point that you find this nonsense acceptable, I think the damage might be irreparable. Marriage slavery is terrible when observed in a savage neanderthal theocracy. But in a country like America, it's an obscenity. An affront to humanity.
I realize after reading some opinions here that I framed the issues from my perspective and to my benefit, perhaps unfairly. She has not said that she will demand that I give up my job, but she wants me to be open to the idea if she can't find something for herself in my location. My response was that I can't give her a guarantee that I'll give it up, but I'd give the idea a fair hearing and with the interests of "the team" in mind.
Like I said before, it's just hard for me to wrap my head around this supposed reversal in her attitude. 2 years ago she was focused like a laser on her career-path. Now she's more vague and unsure, talking family, etc... which she didn't do very much before.
With that explanation, I can see her side a little more. She is essentially stating that she is sacrificing where she will be for your career and will give it a try including trying to work outside of the field she thought she would pursue, but wants to know if you would do the same for her should she be absolutely unhappy there professionally. It sucks, but it isn't entirely unfair or a purely selfish thought. Hopefully instead of just going where it suits her, you can find a metro area that could suit both of your needs should that arise... but it just seems more like wanting reassurance that you're a team and could both find that happiness together. It also sounds like she is thinking more now about the other things she wants out of life, too... including children.
I know a guy who is a PhD in chemistry who is married to an MD where he moved with her while she completed her residency and got her job. He worked as an electrochemist and is now teaching general chemistry at a community college. You can kind of see it in him sometimes that he hates what he does, but he does it out of love and sacrifice for his wife's career.
I guess there was a time where I was standing on this path, but not that similarly. I was young (22) and my boyfriend at the time proposed and wanted me to move with him while he completed his PhD in mathematics. I said no, because I wasn't ready to make my career decisions/post-collegiate goals about someone else and took a job offer in a different city (upstate NY to DC). Ultimately, I am glad that happened even though it was heartbreaking at the time. It freed him up to meet someone who would move with him from upstate NY to Philly to other areas and freed me up to work on my goals and create who I was as a separate individual self, which I needed before I committed to anyone. Though my one thing I can say is that now that I am 28, had I met this other person later in life... that decision could have been different, not because my career goals have changed but because I then had enough experience to be able to move around more. That was not an advantage that I had at 22 and was just starting out. I had to pick a place where I could learn and advance... and that just wasn't where he was. Even then, I feel like had we both actually been the right people for each other, I don't think I would have had that struggle with the proposal and the, "What about me?" I am glad that I put my career goals first, not because I wish I would spend more time at the office or anything... but because I feel like with the right person, moving around like that wouldn't have made me feel so uneasy and I wouldn't have felt like I was giving up ME, but would have felt like I was putting myself into another adventure with my partner.
I also think your parents are saying they can't make this decision for you. It's true, but not genuinely helpful.
If you have to ask, she is probably not the person you should marry.
I tend to agree with these replies. All relationships are a give and take. The decisions and paths you take now, of course, will affect you long-term, whatever you both decide career-wise (and with your relationship). You probably should not marry her. Good luck in whatever you decide.
Like I said before, it's just hard for me to wrap my head around this supposed reversal in her attitude. 2 years ago she was focused like a laser on her career-path. Now she's more vague and unsure, talking family, etc... which she didn't do very much before.
She was down on the alternate job options for her that I suggested that could work in my area. I think some of that is the same kind of syndrome that everyone gets when they're getting toward the end of any education program - they think that some jobs are below them and that they're on a path for greatness. Then they graduate and reality hits. Amazing how it happens regardless of what age you are. I was the same way.
Exactly right. You’ve been out of school so you’ve had a chance to get over it while she is still in the “I need to be a rock star when I’m done” phase of things. I completely get how competitive a grad program can be and how much pressure there can be and how high the expectations can be after graduating. Once reality hits and you get in your groove, that dissipates and you see yourself once again as a mere mortal.
I was in a very good graduate business program (not a top 10 but close, and well known). After mid terms or finals or whatever, we usually went out to blow off a ton of steam. I can’t tell you how many undergrad girls were impressed with us (I’m a guy). I was with my gf at the time so didn’t do anything of course but it was nice and inflated my ego. Our program sometimes took us out on tours of prominent organizations and to meet leaders of those orgs. They all were impressed with us too. So our heads were inflated beyond reality while we were in the program. People expected great things. I was a good student and me and a friend of mine got a meeting with the dean to talk about the program. The conversation turned towards our goals after school. The dean put pressure on us to be superstars. So all that is to say that her thoughts on where she would go and what she would do after school are inflated and mucked up by that type of pressure, her aspirations must be high and it’s understandable if they are...but those aspirations will likely dissolve (albeit slowly) once she’s out of that environment. Even if she gets exactly what she wants, it won’t be as glamorous as what is in her head. I think once she knows that and the buzz settles down, things will be normalized. Maybe she knows that already, which may be why she’s not as gung ho career minded as before.
Marriage is a big commitment. Maybe you should wait a bit until she’s done and you guys can decide to live together for a while, then get married? That’s what we did. Just a thought.
No matter how hard you plan or what you imagine though, life will throw some twists and turns into the mix. Your direction and/or perspective may change completely, so may hers. Heck, in 10 yrs you both can be completely different people. Different cares, political thoughts, etc. A career, mortgage, kids, death of a loved one, etc...that all changes people's perspectives.
So to me, career should of course play a role but the decision should be more based on the relationship and how bad you want to be together, everything else will work itself out...for better or worse.
Like I said before, it's just hard for me to wrap my head around this supposed reversal in her attitude. 2 years ago she was focused like a laser on her career-path. Now she's more vague and unsure, talking family, etc... which she didn't do very much before.
She was down on the alternate job options for her that I suggested that could work in my area. I think some of that is the same kind of syndrome that everyone gets when they're getting toward the end of any education program - they think that some jobs are below them and that they're on a path for greatness. Then they graduate and reality hits. Amazing how it happens regardless of what age you are. I was the same way.
For the first paragraph I quoted, I think this has a lot to do with the biological clock that women feel much more strongly than men. It really can change your outlook a lot; at least it has with me. I'm 33 and in the past couple of years I've really just changed my outlook and it's tough to explain because it isn't logical. Part of me really, really, really wants to open my own business. Another part of me knows that doing that while pregnant or with a young child would just be more stress than I need or realistically want. So, I am trying to be logical; I can open a business when I'm 45, but I cannot have kids then. I think that makes it clearer what to do first.
I also think you've answered some of your own questions/concerns in that second paragraph. You know how you were feeling when you were finishing up school, yet it seems like many people in this thread are faulting your gf for feeling the exact same way. It seems like a double standard to me. If you think she should move for your job but you're not willing to move for hers then you definitely shouldn't marry her, especially if she has higher earning potential.
I don't find her change of heart to be all that surprising. People change. Work is less important than relationships and family to many/most people. I think what makes this situation so tough is that you are not 22/23 where you have many years to put off having a family if that is what you desire, yet you both want a shot at having a solid career and haven't really had that chance yet. If you were 23 I'd say to go explore your careers for a few years and then come back together if you still want to. But, being older, I'm not sure that doing that would be great advice.
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A 3-4 hour radius reaches the other populated areas of Oregon. 6 hours would encompass Seattle which would open up more. 
