What the heck was wrong with my cover letter?!

[hnsq]

Originally Posted by BlindAlleyKat

I agree with the above. Your cover letter sounds more like what I wrote to get into a graduate program. Graduate programs want to know how happy you are to be part of their program and how you've thought about it since you were five. But this is business. Passions need to be replaced with practical, specific assets; it is a little dry. To get their attention early I would be more practical in the beginning.



This is a good sentence. I think you should re-write your cover letter and focus on your responsibilities in this position. Something like this needs to be in the beginning paragraph. The focus of your letter should be on the successful fulfillment of these responsibilities, and the tools you acquired, and not how passionate you are about music. Although, I would leave out that you feel you went beyond your responsibilities. I'm not an employer but that raises red flags to me. I would simply state that these were your responsibility and that you fulfilled them. That's what your employer wants to know.



This is vague and confusing. This sounds like you're saying that you spent the summer working on details (details of what?) and your communication skills, and that you like matador and spin magazine. I don't know what you mean by exploring; was that part of your job? What did you accomplish with your exploration that would benefit your prospective employer? What details were you working on?

It is always a better idea to give specific, concise experience-related examples of how you worked on your communication and how you paid attention to details.



This sentence sets a tone that you know you're not really qualified for this position but you really love music so they should accept you. It explains why your cover letter is a little vague.

To avoid setting that tone, stick to what you are good at and the skills you do have for this position. Try to avoid making your drive and inspiration the focus of this paragraph. It's too vague. End with a concise summary of how your specific skills will contribute to the company's success.

You mis-quoted this entire post...I didn't say any of that other than your first quote..the OP did

[GiantRutgersfan]

It sounds too vague, too wordy, and is not very interesting in my personal opinion.

There is also too much bragging about past accomplishments. Considering you are not far along in your career and are applying for an unpaid internship, some of it seems like a bit much.


I would focus more on what kind of traits and work ehtic you are bringing to the table

[sas0814]

It wasn't your fault.

[TobinJ]

Could you volunteer at a school or an afterschool program assisting with arts education instead of being an intern? It would give you a reference and maybe some leads.