Dating in St. Louis (house, buy, school)

[Madewoman]

Here is a fun one. What is up with some of the guys in St. Louis. (I don't want to generalize) I have been here for about 1.5 years and have met about 10 guys that I have gone on dates yet. 9 of the 10 have never gone past dinner. They either want to come to my place, me to cook for them, or me to pay for the date. I'm from NY and I have never encountered anything like this. Anyone else go through any dating woes?

[Fishtacos]

You don't want to generalize, but you just did. lol... And that's fine, you are entitled to your opinion based on your experience.

St. Louis has always been (imo) a stronger town for raising a family, and being a kid age 0-17. It isn't the greatest dating city in the world. NYC isn't exactly a great dating city either, but is easier/better than Stl imo. St. Louis has long been a get married and start family at very young age town as well.

My response would be it is "you" and your experience. It's limited to your specific situation. I don't think what you have found is a St. Louis thing.

I will give you my philosophy on dating, as someone who grew up in St. Louis, and moved around to several stops as an adult(including NYC), but as someone who still visits with frequency. So take it as one St. Louis raised guy's opinion.

Ok, here goes, (and I've been long off the market, but close enough to the action to know what's going on and what I think...)

1)Ask woman out on date, I expect to pay for everything and plan everything, though open to any unexpected suggestion. Any sincere effort or attempt to pay for anything, even small or tiny is appreciated, but not accepted by me.
2)We go out 2nd time, again, I expect to do the same as first time. It's okay to go twice without even an attempt at paying or contributing in some type of fashion. Again, I would not accept it, but I do keep score in my head if she offered or not. I would really have to like her for date number three to happen.
3)If she does nothing again on date three, as in attempt to contribute to tip, bill, anything that shows she is a 50/50 equal participant, she won't get the fourth attempt under any circumstances. Over the course of dating, I do not keep score, but I'd say I'd pay 75% of the time, but a woman must show me something in character in those first date(s). I once had a woman practically tackle me and wrestle me wanting to pay when I said no but thanks, so I let her do it.

I'd say my personal experience has been 50/50 with women who make any attempt first date or not. Some do, some do not. In fact, I'd say it would be slightly less than 50% who do, but close. Not many go a few dates an offer nothing of any kind. Those I remember well. And, I am willing to bet some of them were pretty surprised that things didn't go past those couple of dates.

Do not date a guy who wants to go home with you date one. Do not date a guy who wants you to pay in first couple of dates.

I've never gone to dinner on a first date. That could be a problem right there. And all guys like women who can cook. That is a big plus...not required, but would certainly score a lot of points with me.

[Madewoman]

Ya know Fish, you are on point. And I'm one that doesn't mind leaving the tip or picking up the tab sometimes. Funny story, I had a guy ask me to pay on the second date after the bill came and I said no. He straight up yelled at me and went off. I was so embarrassed and needless to say that was the end of him. Some people say my standards are too high. I don't think thats possible. And I will only cook for a guy if I'm trying to elevate the relationship. But I think you are right. Next time I will try a different first date other dinner. I can't help it. I love the Cheesecake Factory and Drunken Fish

[JaySTLouis]

Fishtacos...You just described my "technique" to the T.
I think I finally get your name too..lol
I've never found dating in Stl hard. It all depends
on the individual that you're dating or looking to date.
We've all had bad dating experiences but isn't the point
of dating to see if that person "has what it takes" to be
with you and vice versa?

With that said, I hope things get better as far as dating
goes. I know a lot of women who generalize the men of
this city. I just think....Are you looking for men or gentlemen
to date? What does a horrible dating record say about your
preference in men? And no, I'm not trying to flip this on you..lol.

Yeah that's why they want you to pay though because you're
going to the Cheesecake Factory on the first date..lol.

[sixtwobaldguy]

I;m married but when I was dating I paid *if* I had asked the woman out.

Usually, the dating didn't involve dinner though, because I didn't really like the idea of getting to know a woman who was more interested in eating than doing something active, no offense to those who enjoy dinning out (I do too, occasionally). More oft, I would go for a walk in one of St. Louis's parks--Tower Grove or Forest Park or invite them to my place for dinner... the food was usually better too I dare say

MW: Something you are not considering: These guys aren't just sitting around doing nothing before and after they meet you. They are probably going out on dates regularly. If they buy dinner for two every other night, that racks up. At least my attitude was that I didn't want to start spending a lot of money on people I didn't even really know, or even know if I might really be interested in or they in me. Food for thought.

[Madewoman]

Thanks for the comments and suggestions. I am the active type, I run, play tennis, and enjoy walks as first dates. dinner is never my suggestion because I know my taste and the dinner thing was just an example. just tired of getting approached by guys too lazy to step their game up.I dont date guys I meet in clubs (not my thing). I've never met so many that didn't have cars(its so crazy, they meet me at our meeting point, take the metro, get dropped off or borrow a car and expect me to take them home, defeats the purpose of meeting in a public place) or have their own places or a starting 5 lineup of kids....whew, glad I got that out. In response to Sixtwo...i understand they are dating other people, however, that has nothing to do with me, that's their problem, they asked me out. Just feel like a man needs to be able to do for me what i can do for me, if not there is no need for him. I'm not offended by anything anyone said even when it felt like the tables were being turned because I'm really serious about this thing. I have encountered a different type of man. I want to know from the married guys what was it about her that made you know she was the one. i'm not too proud to check myself.

[Fishtacos]

Try "day" dates in the beginning. You can learn a lot more quickly about someone with a "day" date of fun activity.

[Fishtacos]

Originally Posted by Madewoman

Thanks for the comments and suggestions. I am the active type, I run, play tennis, and enjoy walks as first dates. dinner is never my suggestion because I know my taste and the dinner thing was just an example. just tired of getting approached by guys too lazy to step their game up.I dont date guys I meet in clubs (not my thing). I've never met so many that didn't have cars(its so crazy, they meet me at our meeting point, take the metro, get dropped off or borrow a car and expect me to take them home, defeats the purpose of meeting in a public place) or have their own places or a starting 5 lineup of kids....whew, glad I got that out. In response to Sixtwo...i understand they are dating other people, however, that has nothing to do with me, that's their problem, they asked me out. Just feel like a man needs to be able to do for me what i can do for me, if not there is no need for him. I'm not offended by anything anyone said even when it felt like the tables were being turned because I'm really serious about this thing. I have encountered a different type of man. I want to know from the married guys what was it about her that made you know she was the one. i'm not too proud to check myself.

1) Start by not labeling all men or all women or all men or all women of a particular city.

2) Don't be passive aggressive. Be passive, or be aggressive, but don't be both at the same time.

3) Women like men who are sel-confident but not bleep. Well, shocker, men like women who are self confident but not bleep too. If you have low self esteem, you will not get far, and if you do, that man/woman will get tired of saving you and lifting you up at some point. If your self esteem is too high, the man/woman will vanish into thin air faster than you can say too high. Be quietly confident.

4) Treat other people with respect, all other people of all kinds. And the simple rule is how do you act among them when no one else is around? Is it the same as with someone else? If it is not, that's a problem. Be selfless, but know how to say no. Do not be selfish and do not be the one who always gets stuck baking the cookies at school or house sitting or...insert favor here.

5) Be creative and a do-er. That's pretty self explanatory.

There are a lot of "dopes" out there, and you'll encounter plenty until you find some that aren't, and there are plenty of those too.

If you can sit in a room all day and all night with someone else and not have to utter a word and be relaxed, that's when you have a strong candidate.

[aragx6]

I dated some great guys in St. Louis and I also dated some dillholes... I think that comes with the territory.

Actualyl, it's funny you mention them wanting you to pay- I always felt St. louis was a bit more traditional than other places and guys were always trying to pay!

[Inoxkeeper]

To answer your how did I know she was the one question...I knew it when I saw her when she moved to town her freshman year in HS. I was smitten (really everyone was) but she was a hottie who dated the QB of the football team and ended up a captain of the cheerleaders, got good grades and was raised in church, basically a good kid. I was the partying fool running around getting into fights, drinking and just getting by in school. We got to be friends but that was it, she wouldn’t date me no matter how hard I tried.

Fast forward 6 years to a time when we both happened to be in our little hometown one fateful weekend, I had been living in Dallas and she was in Saint Louis. We ran into each other at the Sonic getting a Coke while cruising the old hometown (pop. 3,795), by then I had cleaned up my act enough that she said come visit some weekend and she would show me STL.

I was there knocking on her door the next day. That was about 25 years ago, we have been married 23 years this past June 15th, it took me a while to convince her I was the one but I eventually won her heart. Marrying my wife was the best move I ever made. I think she feels the same about me most of the time. I will say we have been blessed in many ways and have done and seen things that we could only dream about as kids in small town U.S.A