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I am 60, my husband, 68. We just separated after four years of marriage. I doubt if we will get a divorce, but instead just live separately 3,000 miles away from each other. His brain injury, sustained on our second wedding anniversary, caused his personality to change. He lost cognitive function and became severely depressed. I tried very hard for two years, as did he.
Divorce is mostly about who gets how much money. Not our problem, fortunately. We both share everything equally.
It's not the end of the world, but it's no fun either.
Are you staying married for insurance coverage reasons? At your age and only 4 years in, I don't see the financial entanglements that would deter you from legally divorcing. Are you trying to game your way into SS spousal benefits or something?
Years ago I worked with a woman who found "the man of her dreams." They dated, she brought him to social functions, etc. The got engaged. Shortly after the engagement, he had a devastating brain stem stroke. He was not expected to survive. But he did. As you might expect, his personality made a complete change from the nice guy to a rude, crude man. They got married. Her life has been no picnic. She went through a lot.
The last time I saw them I was in a knee replacement rehab. They were visiting a relative who was on a different floor from me and stopped to visit a while. He appeared to have calmed down a lot, was easier to visit with. But I can't imagine their marriage is anything she had been wishing for.
Some of us get a lot more to deal with than others. This woman lost a sister to a house fire. Then she was let go from her job (as many of us were). Then her mother died.
Years ago I worked with a woman who found "the man of her dreams." They dated, she brought him to social functions, etc. The got engaged. Shortly after the engagement, he had a devastating brain stem stroke. He was not expected to survive. But he did. As you might expect, his personality made a complete change from the nice guy to a rude, crude man. They got married. Her life has been no picnic. She went through a lot.
The last time I saw them I was in a knee replacement rehab. They were visiting a relative who was on a different floor from me and stopped to visit a while. He appeared to have calmed down a lot, was easier to visit with. But I can't imagine their marriage is anything she had been wishing for.
Some of us get a lot more to deal with than others. This woman lost a sister to a house fire. Then she was let go from her job (as many of us were). Then her mother died.
I'm grateful every day for the life I have had.
I have a relative that had a TBI - complete change in personality. The wife vowed to stay until the last kid graduated and she did. They are now going their separate ways. He can live on his own, can drive but just very different.
I have several friends who got divorced in their 50's, not exactly seniors. So here we are 10 years later and what I see now is that they won't be retiring any time soon. The divorces destroyed their financial plans, if they even had them. The "after cost" of divorce has been a dramatic downsize of their lifestyle, and knowing that they probably won't be able to retire until their FRA, if then. It's somewhat depressing, but there were reasons for their divorce, and life goes on.
My own brother got divorced at 54 because his wife of 27 years had run up bills AGAIN after he had already had to mortgage their house for the debts she ran up previously. He had enough and they sold the property and home and he started over. He got remarried after about 2 years and he and his wife have flipped 3 houses, (his, hers, and their first together) so that they could build their retirement home and now he has had to take medical retirement, at 65, due to complications of diabetes. He has worked so hard just to get himself back to the point where he was before. At least his new wife is a keeper.
I have several friends who got divorced in their 50's, not exactly seniors. So here we are 10 years later and what I see now is that they won't be retiring any time soon. The divorces destroyed their financial plans, if they even had them. The "after cost" of divorce has been a dramatic downsize of their lifestyle, and knowing that they probably won't be able to retire until their FRA, if then.
I think late divorce can be a retirement killer.
I wonder if your friends could accept a scaled-down life style, and still retire at 62 or whatever? I'm an advocate of having a scaled-down life in retirement, and not necessarily having the same life style one had while working.
It is possible. A divorced woman, if willing to scale down, can perhaps escape waiting until Full Retirement Age (FRA) of 66 or 67. I did.
Also, not everyone's health or stamina will allow working until age 66 or 67.
I see you say they have scaled-down after their divorces. I would gather that they feel they do not have enough savings or 401(k) money to feel comfortable retiring before FRA? Or they just plain do not have adequate savings.
Not having enough savings or 401(k) money can, indeed, be a retirement killer.
I think that emphasizing having less and thinking more 'small' can be advantageous, but maybe they have done that already.
Last edited by matisse12; 06-05-2017 at 03:34 PM..
They have done the downsizing by necessity. Unfortunately many were leveraged to the hilt while married and then they, and there soon-to-be exes, had to liquidate to pay off debts in the divorce and start over with little to no savings. The excessive debt and little to no savings was their own fault. They seemed oblivious of the need to pay down debts and fully fund retirement accounts. They had been counting on more years with 2 salaries, and were really only seeing the immediate future and not the long game.
The one with a government job will retire next year. She can make it on pension plus SS, with a roommate. The others will be working for a while. Office jobs, so not physically challenging, just not the future they had hoped for.
I have several friends who got divorced in their 50's, not exactly seniors. So here we are 10 years later and what I see now is that they won't be retiring any time soon. The divorces destroyed their financial plans, if they even had them. The "after cost" of divorce has been a dramatic downsize of their lifestyle, and knowing that they probably won't be able to retire until their FRA, if then. It's somewhat depressing, but there were reasons for their divorce, and life goes on.
I think late divorce can be a retirement killer.
I got divorced at 46 and it was the best thing I ever did. Always been a saver and living within (or below) my means. He was the opposite.
Since getting divorced, I am now able o retire years earlier than my FRA due to my savings and investments and lifestyle. If I had stayed married, I'm sure I'd have to work until I dropped dead.
He, on the other hand, has nothing. He's had to move in with his youngest sister in a rental home and barely survives paycheck to paycheck. I'm sure he doesn't have $500 to his name.
Good for you Red! That's great to hear. I think two of these ladies were a little too careless with letting their hubbies run wild with the toys....boats, cars that they couldn't afford, big houses, with the wives agreeing without understanding the family financial situation. One even got a $40k swimming pool put in the year before they divorced.
Every now and then someone we know who is retired & over 70 and decides to go through a divorce. I even know of an elderly couple who are both octogenarians & have been married to each other since their early 20s and live in assisted living -- and the man is filing for divorce, sending their adult kids into a frenzy.
Why bother to get a divorce when you're a senior or elderly? Frankly it seems to me like a lot of work to go through at that age.
A friends parents are going through this. They are 80!
The man is very ill but the wife left and filed for divorce last week. The kids not speaking cuz they have picked sides.
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