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I can only speak on what I presonally feel and have seen. Generally like most phase fo life a partner makes life so much easier and satisfying .Now that depedents on having and being a good partner in life;of course.I think as one ages a good partner is more and more appreciated.
Actually, I didn't have a say in the matter...thought we had a happy marriage and looked forward to retiring together, but he chose one of our friends to spend that part of his life with.......so now I am alone. Easier in many ways, as there's no one else to please or adjust plans for etc, but, oh, I wish there were! I would have preferrred to stay married, but so often my married friends tell me how lucky I am to live alone.
As the saying goes. . .happiness is a state of mind. I haven't been in a relationship for the past four years, and as much as I miss the companionship, I have to say that it's far less stressful to not have to be concerned with trying to figure out what makes another person happy. Now days, I find myself enjoying more simple things, without the high maintenance of trying to make a relationship work, trying to do things together, that I have no interest in, ete. etc. Loneliness is no fun, that's for sure. I guess I'd rather be lonely alone than be lonely with someone who is vacant.
I count my marriage as the greatest of my blessings....I am very happy. Should my husband predecease me it will be a great sadness but I plan to be happy alone too.
Doing nice things for my husband is a gift to me just as it is for him. He has always treated me very well. My mother in law used to tell us that we jump for each other...meaning when we saw that the other needed something or there was an opportunity to do some thoughtful deed we jumped up and did it.
Do you think it is more difficult to keep you and your spouse happy together (or to keep just your spouse happy) in retirement than it would be to keep just yourself happy in retirement if you are single or if you were single and not married?
Why do you think you have to entertain each other?
Not that I'm promoting divorce/singleness over marriage but within a year after I separated at 37 and eventually got divorced I couldn't imagine ever living with anyone again (that goes for a roommate, too). On the other hand, I know serial marriers, that is, they don't let any grass grow under their feet before they are on to the next guy and keep repeating the pattern until they think they get it right. (Is it really that hard to bring your car in for service, set up your home computer by yourself or mow the lawn? --- kidding ) To each his own. The way I see it marriage is a series of compromises meaning neither one of you ever do what you really want to do, when you do agree on something it's diluted or at best you only do what you want to do half the time...sort of like Congress.
Scenario:
You and the spouse decide you want to go to the movies:
He wants to see the latest horror movie, you want to see the latest comedy. Do you:
1. Each go to the movies by yourselves and see the movies you really want to see?
2. Compromise and go together to see a different movie that wasn't the first choice for either one of you so in effect neither one of you are seeing what you want to see?
3. One of you always yields to the other to keep the peace besides, their movie choice can't be that awful and it's only 2 hours out of your life if it's not a James Cameron or Peter Jackson movie.
4. You alternate so both of you only see what you want to see half the time.
5. You accept a bribe of dinner out after the movie if you go see the spouse's choice?
6. You both stay home or do something else. One or both of you might even sulk.
I'll bet you married retirees never do Number 1, above.
He wants to see the latest horror movie, you want to see the latest comedy. Do you:
1. Each go to the movies by yourselves and see the movies you really want to see?
2. Compromise and go together to see a different movie that wasn't the first choice for either one of you so in effect neither one of you are seeing what you want to see?
3. One of you always yields to the other to keep the peace besides, their movie choice can't be that awful and it's only 2 hours out of your life if it's not a James Cameron or Peter Jackson movie.
4. You alternate so both of you only see what you want to see half the time.
5. You accept a bribe of dinner out after the movie if you go see the spouse's choice?
6. You both stay home or do something else. One or both of you might even sulk.
I'll bet you married retirees never do Number 1, above.
If you bet money on that, you'd lose. We don't very often go to separate movies, because usually we want to see the same ones, but sometimes he goes his way and I go mine. Then we have interesting stories to tell each other at dinner afterwards.
We don't go out to movie theaters, but we face the same situation when it comes to renting videos. Sometimes I find myself watching action movies that don't initially look appealing (Runaway Train, for example. It turned out to be better than I thought.) He sometimes watches chick flicks with me. There are some movie we don't watch together. There are some movies that are too violent for me--those are ones he can watch with his buddies. Or he can watch it and I'll do something else in another room. He feels the same way about my Jane Austen movies--I watch those with my girl friends, never him.
The way I see it marriage is a series of compromises meaning neither one of you ever do what you really want to do, when you do agree on something it's diluted or at best you only do what you want to do half the time...sort of like Congress.
Scenario:
You and the spouse decide you want to go to the movies:
He wants to see the latest horror movie, you want to see the latest comedy. Do you:
1. Each go to the movies by yourselves and see the movies you really want to see?
2. Compromise and go together to see a different movie that wasn't the first choice for either one of you so in effect neither one of you are seeing what you want to see?
3. One of you always yields to the other to keep the peace besides, their movie choice can't be that awful and it's only 2 hours out of your life if it's not a James Cameron or Peter Jackson movie.
4. You alternate so both of you only see what you want to see half the time.
5. You accept a bribe of dinner out after the movie if you go see the spouse's choice?
6. You both stay home or do something else. One or both of you might even sulk.
That's one way to look at it: I have my desires to satisfy and my partner has his/her desires to satisfy. When they conflict, no one wins. Kinda like a competition, huh? If that was how my relationship worked, I wouldn't be in it.
Of course, when choosing a partner, it is smart to join forces with someone who has similar interests, tastes, levels of energy, etc. Why people choose partners dramatically different from them and then expect magic is mystery to me. Still, while two individuals may have many similarities, no two individuals are identical. That is where the small matter of "love" fits into the equation. By "love," I mean love of another and not love of self. When one loves another human, it is often a gift to do things that make that person happy - be it a partner/spouse, child, parent, grandparent, close friend or someone else. When the love is mutual, this tends to balance out and does not resemble Congress nor does it entail the calculus you outlined above.
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