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To answer the question that opened this thread, I really don't see that retirement makes much of a difference. To me it's just always easier to keep happy alone than to keep a spouse happy. Marriage is a series of compromises, some large, some small. You always have to be thinking of the other person. It's what you do if you want your relationship to be successful. Retirement might bring different things about which you have to compromise, but that essential requirement doesn't go away.
Compromise, in my marriage, meant 'give up and go along' not anything like 'real' compromise. I KNEW it wasn't right to do that but figured I'd 'get my way' another time. Somehow "another time" never came along. It just feels exceedingly nice to do for me what I want to do and make ME happy.
I find the number of people who are posting here who have had (or are in) fairly unhappy marriages surprising. That one would choose to stay in them is both perplexing and sad for me.
I find the number of people who are posting here who have had (or are in) fairly unhappy marriages surprising. That one would choose to stay in them is both perplexing and sad for me.
I hope you're not including me in this group, simply because I wrote about the need for compromise in a marriage. I consider my husband's and my relationship to be a very happy one, and we've been married for over 21 years. In fact, I would say that this is as good as marriage gets.
If he were to predecease me, I would miss him terribly. He's still a very cool guy, still my best friend, and he still makes me laugh. That said, if he does predecease me, I would never marry again. I think "this is as good as marriage gets" is both the good news and the bad news.
DH had an accident 25 years ago at work, glad he was alive. He informed me, he heard at rehab, most spouses leave when a spouse becomes disabled. Reminded me of our wedding vows; he was stuck with me!
DH died from his last illness February,2012; when we moved to WA, 18 years ago, and I didn't work outside the home,
he had things he liked to solo as did I. We also enjoyed each others company, traveling together, he maintained the outside of the home, repairs in the home and I also kept house. We did errands together, he especially enjoyed going to hardware stores. When I went to the hardware store with my son, they looked for him and said he moved to Heaven.
We were each others better half.
Miss him, his companionship, being able to share with someone. Cooking I enjoyed and he enjoyed what I prepared And
he did the cleaning up! The Lord was vital to our marriage.
If he were a chore, would gladly welcome him back!
I'm so sorry for your loss. I loved your post. It brought tears to my eyes.
Easier if I was on my own:
1. If he wasn't here, picking the wallpaper for the bedroom would have taken me 5 minutes tops.
2. If I didn't have to take him to get his colonoscopy, I could have gone hiking with my friends.
3. If he wasn't here I wouldn't have to listen to his cd's in the car.
4. If I was on my own, I wouldn't have to wash the dishes every day if I didn't feel like it.
On the other hand, these things are not easier:
1. Picking wallpaper may be easier when you're alone, but hanging it by yourself is definitely not easier.
2. Getting your own colonoscopy when you have nobody to drive you there is no fun at all. I can remember times when I was single and my car was in the shop and I had to figure out how to take 2-3 buses to get to work (and that was before bus routes were on the internet). I haven't had to do anything that difficult since my husband came into my life.
3. If I only listened to my own cd's I would never have heard some of my favorite songs.
4. When I was single and sometimes didn't wash the dishes for days, it meant I had to eventually use the ones on the higher shelves. And it was a PITA getting them down and putting them away. Now I have someone who's tall and can get items off those shelves for me. And I wash the dishes more often because when we do it together it's sort of a game and it's kind of fun to load up the dishwasher (what can I say, we find the strangest things amusing).
I can tell you one thing, it might be easier to live alone, but for me it wouldn't be as much fun. Doing things to make the other person happy is a major part of our marriage, and for the most part it's worked out well. Even the things I gripe about, like watching ball games, has worked out well--needing something to do while we watched those ball games was how I became an avid poster on city-data.
Right now I'm in the middle of an adventure that began because someone did something just to make his spouse happy. I got really bummed out 2 days ago because I started taking city-data a little too much to heart and feeling that we wouldn't be able to retire at all because "every city we might be able to move to sucks."
What did my husband do to make me happy? He reminded me that for 40+ years we've been able to move from city to city, and none of those places sucked, despite what some people on city-data say. He reminded me that we've been very successful checking out places for ourselves and how much fun our trips were.
And then he did a big thing just to make me happy--he suggested we take another trip right then and there. He said "Let's do what we used to do and just jump in the car and take a road trip." It was a joke at first--he said it just to cheer me up, and to remind me that when we were younger we didn't worry about being perfect, and life worked out just fine.
I was in a pretty bad place--sitting on the sofa all afternoon, so bummed out I'd been sitting there for hours, obsessing on city data and getting sadder and sadder. So when he first said this I rolled my eyes, but I went along with the joke, just to make him happy. And then he continued the joke, just to make me happy, and one thing led to another and bada bing bada boom this joke became a real plan and here we are on a road trip, having a wonderful 4-day weekend.
Was it easy for him to do that? I'm sure it wasn't, since he had to juggle his schedule. Was it worth it? Oh yeah!! I got off the sofa and out of a rut that we've been in lately, and this little road trip was just what we needed. What else would we have done this weekend? Sometimes doing things like this to make another person happy leads to great memories.
In turn I'm doing a few things to make him happy. I didn't bring my camera (last trip I drove him a little crazy with all the photo taking). I'm letting him play his music in the car, because he enjoys introducing me to all his favorite jazz musicians. We're watching the ball games in the hotel at night. We'll probably drive an extra hour out of our way to make a side trip to a sports store in North Carolina that he has fond memories of.
For me, it's worth it to me to do those little things. My life has been so much more interesting since I began living a life where a lot of the things I do are things to make someone else happy. But I can understand the joy of being single, too. I was single for a long time before I met my husband, and if I have to live that way again someday I know I'll be just fine with it.
I was wondering if some or many people feel a burden or responsibility for keeping the spouse that they live with happy in retirement.
Such as feeling a burden or responsibility to often be planning activities - welcome and unwelcome activities - to keep a spouse happy and content in retirement.
A burden?
A burden??
When you love someone, doing things with them or for them is not a burden. In fact, it is just the opposite.
When you look forward to planning activities or just being with your spouse or significant other, you stay married for decades and decades.
I suppose when you consider it a burden, it's time to get divorced.
But I have no experience in that area. Care to enlighten us?
I was wondering if some or many people feel a burden or responsibility for keeping the spouse that they live with happy in retirement.
Such as feeling a burden or responsibility to often be planning activities - welcome and unwelcome activities - to keep a spouse happy and content in retirement.
You are not describing a healthy relationship. This is not compromise. If a spouse is feeling burdened prior to retirement, you can bet retirement will exacerbate any resentment he or she felt prior to retirement. OTOH, if both spouses have willingly (and happily) compromised prior to retirement, there is no reason this should not continue through the often times stressful transition into retirement.
We are spending more time together now, for sure (husband is only mostly-retired, still working a bit.) We both enjoy our alone-time, away from each other, and are used to giving each other that space. We are developing new routines to maintain this structure. In Florida in the winter, I go to the pool and hot tub on the afternoon, he goes to the pub for a beer. He has a nap, and I go to the beach for a walk.
I really enjoy spending time alone, but don't like it when he's far away. Just spent more than two weeks apart, and I missed him, and was lonely (even though I enjoyed myself immensely.) Last winter we were apart for 6 weeks, and I got along fine, but I missed him like crazy, and was lonely at times, despite having friends around me sometimes.
I do not look forward to surviving him. Can't stand the thought of losing him.
Quote:
Originally Posted by sera
...
DH died from his last illness February,2012; when we moved to WA, 18 years ago, and I didn't work outside the home,
he had things he liked to solo as did I. ...
Miss him, his companionship, being able to share with someone...
If he were a chore, would gladly welcome him back!
So sorry for your loss.
Quote:
Originally Posted by lenora
You are not describing a healthy relationship. This is not compromise. If a spouse is feeling burdened prior to retirement, you can bet retirement will exacerbate any resentment he or she felt prior to retirement. OTOH, if both spouses have willingly (and happily) compromised prior to retirement, there is no reason this should not continue through the often times stressful transition into retirement.
Agreed. But many who have less-than-ideal marriages have coped for many years, and will continue to cope after retirement.
Easier if I was on my own:
1. If he wasn't here, picking the wallpaper for the bedroom would have taken me 5 minutes tops.
2. If I didn't have to take him to get his colonoscopy, I could have gone hiking with my friends.
3. If he wasn't here I wouldn't have to listen to his cd's in the car.
4. If I was on my own, I wouldn't have to wash the dishes every day if I didn't feel like it.
On the other hand, these things are not easier:
1. Picking wallpaper may be easier when you're alone, but hanging it by yourself is definitely not easier.
2. Getting your own colonoscopy when you have nobody to drive you there is no fun at all. I can remember times when I was single and my car was in the shop and I had to figure out how to take 2-3 buses to get to work (and that was before bus routes were on the internet). I haven't had to do anything that difficult since my husband came into my life.
3. If I only listened to my own cd's I would never have heard some of my favorite songs.
4. When I was single and sometimes didn't wash the dishes for days, it meant I had to eventually use the ones on the higher shelves. And it was a PITA getting them down and putting them away. Now I have someone who's tall and can get items off those shelves for me. And I wash the dishes more often because when we do it together it's sort of a game and it's kind of fun to load up the dishwasher (what can I say, we find the strangest things amusing).
Caladium, I think you explained the differences beautifully... the give and take, the compromises involved, and the payoffs.
So you're on the road now to NC? Without your camera? ha You wouldn't happen to be going to Overton's Sports, now would you? Keep us informed of each area you visit.
If I was still married to my ex-wife, I definitely would have said I would prefer to be happy alone, as she was difficult and very needy during the marriage.
Since I remarried I love keeping my spouse happy in retirement and doing things together. She's my best friend and we keep each other happy.
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