The Athiest! (Buddhist, hell, church, atheist)

[Travel'r]

Apologies if this has already been posted somewhere (I don't come over here much :>):

An atheist was walking through the woods and said to himself, 'What majestic trees!', 'What powerful rivers!', 'What beautiful animals!'

As he walked alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look and saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant, the Atheist cried out, 'Oh God!'

Time Stopped.

The bear froze.

The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. 'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?'

The atheist looked directly into the light and said, 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps, You could make the BEAR a Christian?'

'Very Well,' said the voice.

The light went out.

The sounds of the forest resumed.

The bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head, and spoke:

'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.'

[Tricky D]

LoL.
A good one.
He should've gone for vegetarian.

[happytown]

I demand more stories!! I like this thread.

[The Matrix]

A scientist said to God, "You know, we've figured out all your tricks."

"Really?" asked God.

"Yup. We know where life comes from, the organization of the cell, how the universe began, and much more. We can do all of your most impressive tricks."

"Well, that is impressive," said God. "Show me."

The scientist bent down to scoop up some dirt.

God stopped him, "Whoa there; get your own dirt!"

[Tricky D]

Good one too.

[Tricky D]

For the girls
20 reasons why chocolate is better then Jewish, Catholic, Islam, Hindu etc. sex
1.You can always get chocolate.
2.With chocolate, size doesn’t matter; it’s always good.
3.Chocolate satisfies, even when it has gone soft.
4.You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
5.You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
6.You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
7.If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won’t mind.
8.Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.
9.The word “commitment” doesn’t scare off chocolate.
10.You can have chocolate on top of your desk without upsetting your work mates.
11.You can ask a stranger for chocolate without fear of getting into trouble.
12.You don’t get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
13.With chocolate, there’s no need to fake it.
14.Chocolate doesn’t make you pregnant.
15.You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
16.Good chocolate is easy to find.
17.You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
18.You are never to young or too old for chocolate.
19.When you have chocolate, it does not keep your neighbours awake.
20. “If you love me you’ll swallow that” has real meaning with chocolate

[Mag3.14]

During the Reign of Terror of the French Revolution, one morning's executions began with three men: a rabbi, a Catholicpriest, and a rationalist skeptic.

The rabbi was marched up onto the platform first. There, facing the guillotine, he was asked if he had any last words. And the rabbi cried out, "I believe in the one and only true God, and He shall save me." The executioner then positioned the rabbi below the blade, set the block above his neck, and pulled the cord to set the terrible instrument in motion. The heavy cleaver plunged downward, searing the air. But then, abruptly, it stopped with a crack just a few inches above the would-be victim's neck. To which the rabbi said, "I told you so."

"It's a miracle!" gasped the crowd. And the executioner had to agree, letting the rabbi go.

Next in line was the priest. Asked for his final words, he declared, "I believe in Jesus Christ the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost who will rescue me in my hour of need." The executioner then positioned this man beneath the blade. And he pulled the cord. Again the blade flew downward thump! creak! ...stopping just short of its mark once more.

"Another miracle!" sighed the disappointed crowd. And the executioner for the second time had no choice but to let the condemned go free.

Now it was the skeptic's turn. "What final words have you to say?" he was asked. But the skeptic didn't hear. Staring intently at the ominous engine of death, he seemed lost. Not until the executioner poked him in the ribs and the question was asked again did he reply.

"Oh, I see your problem," the skeptic said pointing. "You've got a blockage in the gear assembly, right there!"

[Tricky D]

LoL Good one.

[carlieisodd]

Haha. I liked the Chocolate thing.

[GCSTroop]

The Israelites were all waiting anxiously at the foot of the mountain, knowing that Moses had had a tough day negotiating with God.

Finally a tired Moses came into sight. "I've got some good news and some bad news, folks," he said. "The good news is that I got Him down to ten. The bad news is that adultery's still in."




I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said, "Stop! Don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said. I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!" He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, are you religious or atheist?" He said, "Religious." I said, "Me too! Are your Christian or Buddhist?" He said, "Christian." I said, "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?" He said, "Protestant." I said, Me too! Are your Episcopalian or Baptist? He said, "Baptist!" I said, "Wow! Me too! Are your Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord? He said, Baptist Church of God!" I said, "Me too! Are your Original Baptist Church of God or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God!" I said, "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915!" I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.




A guy dies and wakes up to find he is in hell. He's really depressed as he stands in the processing line waiting to talk to an admittance counselor.

He thinks to himself "I know I lead a wild life but I wasn't that bad. I never thought it would come to this." Looking up he sees that it is his turn to be processed into hell. With fear and a heavy heart, he walks up to the counselor.

Counselor: What's the problem, you look depressed?

Guy: Well, what do you think? I'm in hell.

Counselor: Hell's not so bad, we actually have a lot of fun. Do you like to drink?

Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

Counselor: Well then, you are going to love Mondays. On Mondays we drink up a storm. You can have whiskey, rum, tequila, beer, whatever you want and as much a you want. We party all night long. You'll love Mondays. Do you smoke?

Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact I do.

Counselor: You are going to love Tuesdays. Tuesday is smoke day. You get to smoke the finest cigars and best cigarettes available anywhere. And you smoke to your heart's desire without worrying about cancer because you are already dead! Is that great or what? You are going to love Tuesdays. Do you do drugs?

Guy: Well in my younger days I experimented a little.

Counselor: You are going to love Wednesdays. That's drug day. You can experiment with any drug you want and you don't have to worry about overdoses or getting hooked because you are already dead. You are going to love Wednesdays. Do you gamble?

Guy: Yes, I love to gamble.

Counselor: You are going to love Thursdays because we gamble all day and night -- black jack, craps, poker, slots, horse races, everything! You are going to love Thursdays. Are you gay?

Guy: Uhh...no.

Counselor: Oh , you're gonna hate Fridays...