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Need all your smarts for help on this one!! I have a friend who's been with her husband for 16 years. A couple of years ago they seperated for a little while but got back together. While they were seperated, my friend found a 'personal note to self' her husband had written stating that he really liked this other woman. This other woman is a coworker of his and they spent alot of time having coffee and lunch and breakfast etc... (stating it was for work). Anyways, this woman still works with him and he's still going for coffee, going for lunch, going for breakfast. She will make extra effort and drive an hour out of her way to spend 10 minutes with him. My friend told her husband how much this bothered her and he had a tantrum and stomped away, but not before stating that this other woman was his best friend and the only one at work who understood him.
My friend finally got fed up and called this woman to tell her to stay away from her husband. Unfortunately she was not home, but she did get to speak to the other woman's husband who didn't seem to care. The next day, my friend's husband came home from work and told her that this other woman was freaking out and told him to tell his wife to stop harassing her family.
My friend asked my opinion on what she could do. I told her to give him an ultimatum...her or the other woman....to my surprise, she already had. His response was that he had to think about it.
IMO...there's no question...wife comes first. I then told her if that's the case, why haven't you packed his things and thrown him out? She says she wants to avoid a 'divorce' and simply wants to stop this woman in her tracks. After very little research, we come to find out that this other woman has done this several times before and in one case that we know of has broken up a marriage. Seems like the kind of power-driven woman who will do anything to have her cake and eat it too but once she gets what she's after, that's it. She drops them and stays with her husband. Manipulator and the husband is falling for it.
This is where all you smart people out there come in. What advice can I give her now? She doesn't want to end the marriage so that's out. What can she say to her husband and/or the other woman to get this to stop?
I appreciate any input....In my books, this guy would've been long gone....but to each her own.
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Is she asking for advice? It sounds to me like she's made up her mind. I'd say just be there to support her. I wish her the best. It's been my experience with hubby #1 that, even tho they say they've given up the friend, they really haven't. My heart goes out to her.
"the only one (at work) that understood him" Gee, that's original!?!
If your friend can offer up proof to her husband that this woman will just use him and dump him, then she ought to do so. To be honest, the fact that he was given an ultimatum and he said he 'had to think about it' is all the answer I would need! But, if she wants to stay married, she may just have to live with it, and be prepared to say 'I told you so' when he gets dumped OR help him get over his heartbreak...[that is sarcasm, by the way]
Is she asking for advice? It sounds to me like she's made up her mind. I'd say just be there to support her. I wish her the best. It's been my experience with hubby #1 that, even tho they say they've given up the friend, they really haven't. My heart goes out to her.
Thanks. It's hard to listen to when she talks about it since I would've said 'see ya' ages ago. She does want advice in what to do or say...however, everything I've told her to do she won't do. ARG! Frustrating! I don't think it's a physical affair...but affairs don't have to be physical to be considered an affair...IMO. Thanks again!
You're absolutely right - they don't have to be physical. If his heart's not with her...............
That's what I said. I ran the situation by my husband and he stopped me in the middle and said there's no question...wife first....guess I got one of the GOOD ones!!
"the only one (at work) that understood him" Gee, that's original!?!
If your friend can offer up proof to her husband that this woman will just use him and dump him, then she ought to do so. To be honest, the fact that he was given an ultimatum and he said he 'had to think about it' is all the answer I would need! But, if she wants to stay married, she may just have to live with it, and be prepared to say 'I told you so' when he gets dumped OR help him get over his heartbreak...[that is sarcasm, by the way]
I believe my friend has proved what she's all about already and I think he knows from when they seperated that this woman will not leave her husband...go figure, but as soon as they got back together this started again....maybe her ultimate conquest is destroying yet another marriage?
We are getting this standard approach to problem solving, usually making it worse. In these type affairs, making the other person "Choose" is the wrong approach. If anything she is driving them closer together. They will talk about her efforts and it can become like a common bonding thing.
Sounds to me, like the wife doesn't really understand what the husbands real interest in her is. It could be just a buddy thing, could be she is his support system at work, could be he does not get 100% of his emotional needs from the wife. Could be just as simple as the Other Woman is in a different World that the wife by her situation can not operate in.
So first rather than confrontation and ultimatums, the wife has be a lil more slick. She has to attempt to understand where either the Other Woman or her husbands weak point are. So it is like any problem you must understand that relationship a lot better than we have been told. Having the much longer viewpoint to get your objectives. I would say in the meantime treating the husband much better when he is home and avoiding any type of arguments, exactly what women typically can not do. Maybe even being a lil more creative bed bunny and experimenting with things to get his interest back toward her. Small lil things at first but trying to get him to realize what he might lose. Even lil talking in the nest can be very effective if done correctly.
If the other women has a habit of doing this, she will probably lose interest after a while. I would bide my time and understand the situation, collect information and work the game. Would not give up, because that is exactly what the wife wants in the end, never getting angry, mad or blowing situations out of control. Treat it like a game that can be played in phases. The other husband apparently seems to know about this and can live with it at some level. Actual sex may not be occurring between the two. If the wife is stupid and cuts him off, she may get exactly what she does not want.
One lil funny story along this line:
I knew this guy that owned a business. One of his suppliers had this secretary that he had the super hots for. This guy is maybe late 40's, secretary is like 20. He wants her in bed so bad, it is all he can think about. Tell me about it every so often. Finally gets to the point where he is willing to divorce his wife over her.
I am telling him all along, just offer her some money, try it out, I am not impressed with the babe at all, I feel he will tire of her very quick if successful. She looks like to me, she will be available for the right price. Wife either is appearing to not know or is attempting to ignore it. When we are out social she appears to be fine.
Finally he gets her to agree to a bit of a tryst for some weird amount of money like $649.17, apparently this is the amount of money for some bill. This takes place in his office after work. Then is the funny part, the babe can only have sex in one weird position on her knees bent over on the floor with her head tucked under. Sezs everything else make her sick. So the gent has only one method of approach from the back and then he described what he saw Down There and he would take his finger and make this lil Z's motion. Did not look like what he expected. But he did the deed. Totally freaked him out.
Once was the magic cure, he was totally done with her. The spell was broken. Later he told me a bunch of times, I almost divorced my wife over her. Things can take strange twists when they play out over time.
The wife in this situation should be willing to play the same waiting game. In the end if she is slick, usually she can also win. Most of the typical advice she will get in a place like this will make everybody a loser. Maybe even the Other Woman.
I would say be patient, let it play out more, try to influence events, collect facts, change minds. Better info always gets better advice.
Good suggestion:
marital counseling
Bad suggestion:
The wife could call the place of employment and complain about this other woman. Management will get upset and talk to the husband and the other woman. Both may get fired. Companies don't like that sort of thing. I know a guy whose wife did this. She called not only management but secretaries, anyone who would answer the phone. Management came down hard on both for dragging their personal lives into the workplace. The "other woman" quit (probably because all of her coworkers thought she was a *****) and the husband stayed (and never lived it down from his coworkers). Incredibly, the marriage withstood it. However, it carries the risk of the husband getting fired and/or leaving the wife after being humiliated.
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Pretty simple really......
