Dating Someone That Was Sexually Abused (guys, child, calling, mature)
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
yes, and that includes taking personal responsibility for what we attract into our life. We attract people into our life, into our relationships, it doesn't just "happen". When one can step up to the plate and own that "The common denominator in all my problems in my life is me" rather than staying in the place of blame, finger-pointing, analyzing others, trying to fix others, then the person can begin to stop being a victim, and begin, as Arizona says above, taking personal responsibility for one's life.
When a person stays focused on the other person, it is co-dependence plain and simple in all its unhealthy blazing splendor, and it is recognized by the insistence on focusing on someone else, rather than taking responsibility for the relationships in our lives.
So what "Dr Phil" is saying is that when we meet someone that has "issues" and we "let them into our lives" we have our own issues? So if one did not "have issues" and we met someone we would automagically "smell" that they are "damaged goods" and run the other way?
THIS CRAP MAKES NO SENSE TO ME AT ALL.
All you Psych Majors can get back to work now...
Yes if one stays and tries to change them and fix them, that could be shown as "codependant" or it could ALSO be shown as "sympathetic" and "Caring" and "that you love the person and what to help them"!
I think by the time you KNEW someone was a victim of sexual abuse you would be well into a serious relationship. That's not something you just tell anyone and no I wouldn't leave someone because they were abused.
I think by the time you KNEW someone was a victim of sexual abuse you would be well into a serious relationship. That's not something you just tell anyone and no I wouldn't leave someone because they were abused.
I agree. Additionally, it would depend on how they handled it. There are some very successful people who are now role models for those that need to talk about it, not blame themselves, and get help so they can set themselves free.
I could be wrong, I don't feel like looking it up right now, but I believe 1 in 4 girls are inappropriately sexually touched, molested, abused before the age of 15. WOW, that's high. And 87% of the time it's by someone they know.
I used to be a mentor at a women's shelter in NJ. All of the women coming in were sexually abused by husbands, boyfriends, relatives, and some even had kids by their own fathers. Ugh ! Sad.
There are two paths to pursue after being abused. Get help and rise above, become strong and help others who are in the situation you once were, or go down and let it drown you. Life is a constant journey, there is something to be learned each and every day and you can take these negatives and use them as a force to enable you to a better future.
I once got involved with someone who I suspect was the victim of sexual abuse as a child. I never confirmed it, but based on statements she made, it was heavily implied. Obviously, it's a difficult subject to talk about if it's happened to you, which is why I never pressed the issue. But it did make me wonder about how it affected her ability to have a healthy relationship as an adult. She tended to be very distancing emotionally, loved sex but didn't seem to like to kiss. She also seemed to be more concerned with giving pleasure than receiving it. The relationship didn't last for many reasons, but one was her inability to form any deep emotional bond, despite her best efforts. She seemed to be fully aware of that and conceded that it was probably why all her previous relationships had failed. Anyways, I was wondering if anyone here has dealt with someone that was abused as a child. Did you see indications that it affected how they have relationships as an adult? I don't know enough about the subject to know how they react or if they all exhibit the same behavior and would prefer not to generalize. How each of us views relationships and bonds with people is heavily influenced by the kind of environment we grew up in. So naturally, sexual abuse is going to have a huge impact and potentially shape the relationships you have as an adult. I'm just trying to get a better idea of how.
Hmmm...I dunno, bro; based on your brief description of her personality and lovemaking habits I wouldn't be so sure she was a sexual abuse victim. In fact, two of her traits are actually at direct odds with ones that abuse victims would exhibit: her liking to give pleasure, but not to kiss. Most abuse victims fervently seek and prefer closeness and snuggling and kissing in lieu of the sex part; they're looking for an emotional bond and safe haven. So..when you factor in that, along with her emotional distance, it sounds more likely to me that she may have dabbled in prostitution--if indeed there was anything actually nefarious in her past. Hookers of famous for their aversion to kissing. And Lord knows they're job skills require being adept at giving pleasure. Re-think ome of her other beahaviors and see if this scenario fits better.
Last edited by DrummerBoy; 02-19-2010 at 09:40 PM..
I once got involved with someone who I suspect was the victim of sexual abuse as a child. I never confirmed it, but based on statements she made, it was heavily implied. Obviously, it's a difficult subject to talk about if it's happened to you, which is why I never pressed the issue. But it did make me wonder about how it affected her ability to have a healthy relationship as an adult. She tended to be very distancing emotionally, loved sex but didn't seem to like to kiss. She also seemed to be more concerned with giving pleasure than receiving it. The relationship didn't last for many reasons, but one was her inability to form any deep emotional bond, despite her best efforts. She seemed to be fully aware of that and conceded that it was probably why all her previous relationships had failed. Anyways, I was wondering if anyone here has dealt with someone that was abused as a child. Did you see indications that it affected how they have relationships as an adult? I don't know enough about the subject to know how they react or if they all exhibit the same behavior and would prefer not to generalize. How each of us views relationships and bonds with people is heavily influenced by the kind of environment we grew up in. So naturally, sexual abuse is going to have a huge impact and potentially shape the relationships you have as an adult. I'm just trying to get a better idea of how.
My heart always goes out to people who had to deal with this, especially in a young age. These people will always have a permanent scar in their heart because of the abuse and it takes a lot of therapy, meditation, self-healing, spirituality to overcome something like that. Learning how to love yourself is important as many of them lack the feeling of self-worthiness.
One thing I have to say that it takes a very special person and a very strong bond and love to be able to have a healthy relationship with victims of sexual abuse. It takes patience, support, love, understanding and quite often it's just too much. Definitely not for everyone. Victims of sexual abuse can often be self-destructive and have trust issues...If one finds himself/herself in a relationship with those type of people, they need to ask themselves if they will be able to improve those people's lives and how they contribute in a positive way. If you can't handle it, don't do it.
Victims of sexual abuse are not in any way damaged goods. So many of them have deeper insights in what it's like to improve your life after being a traumatic experience. I shutter just thinking that something so terrible can happen to my child (G-d forbid!) and I have great respect for those who are able to lead normal lives afterwards, get married, have children and enjoy their lives.
Hmmm...I dunno, bro; based on your brief description of her personality and lovemaking habits I wouldn't be so sure she was a sexual abuse victim. In fact, two of her traits are actually at direct odds with ones that abuse victims would exhibit: her liking to give pleasure, but not to kiss. Most abuse victims fervently seek and prefer closeness and snuggling and kissing in lieu of the sex part; they're looking for an emotional bond and safe haven. So..when you factor in that, along with her emotional distance, it sounds more likely to me that she may have dabbled in prostitution--if indeed there was anything actually nefarious in her past. Prosties of famous for not kissing. Re-think ome of her other beahaviors and see if this scenario fits better.
That's not necessarily true. Some of them feel they are not worthy of receiving a pleasure.
She could have very well be one, but I do understand that DennyCrane is just guessing that's the case, he doesn't know for sure.
I once got involved with someone who I suspect was the victim of sexual abuse as a child. I never confirmed it, but based on statements she made, it was heavily implied. Obviously, it's a difficult subject to talk about if it's happened to you, which is why I never pressed the issue. But it did make me wonder about how it affected her ability to have a healthy relationship as an adult. She tended to be very distancing emotionally, loved sex but didn't seem to like to kiss. She also seemed to be more concerned with giving pleasure than receiving it. The relationship didn't last for many reasons, but one was her inability to form any deep emotional bond, despite her best efforts. She seemed to be fully aware of that and conceded that it was probably why all her previous relationships had failed. Anyways, I was wondering if anyone here has dealt with someone that was abused as a child. Did you see indications that it affected how they have relationships as an adult? I don't know enough about the subject to know how they react or if they all exhibit the same behavior and would prefer not to generalize. How each of us views relationships and bonds with people is heavily influenced by the kind of environment we grew up in. So naturally, sexual abuse is going to have a huge impact and potentially shape the relationships you have as an adult. I'm just trying to get a better idea of how.
My advice: If you find out that someone you are dating was abused as a child, do not pursue the relationship any further. It will only set you up for tons of problems.
I find some of these posts offensive. As an incest survivor, I have spent years recovering and actually living a relatively normal life. I do not feel it is fair to say that a woman or man who has been sexually abused is a liablility in a relationship. It depends on what the various issues are and how they are addressed, in addition to getting help thru counseling etc for the issues.
Unfortunately when this happens to women, they become trainwrecks as adults. YOu can't fix them, they have to want on their own accord to deal with. Very few do.
That is really a negative thing to say. We are not all trainwrecks. By the way are you perfect? Did you know that half of all women have been sexually abused?
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
