Social Inertia (dating, girlfriends, how to, married)
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I realized last night that my regular social venues are dead ends as far as meeting new men to date. Ugh. It's going to require effort.
Last night I was having a beer and talking with a married guy friend and we were discussing our goals. I jokingly told him I probably needed to find a serious relationship. But I wasn't joking. Even that's a big revelation.
My regular friends are not providing me with avenues to meet new people. In fact they may be contributing to my social stagnation. That's bad to say of one's friends.
Has anyone ever been faced with the unpleasant truth that you're going to have to make some serious changes to find what you're looking for?
I talk to a lot of guys. I date. I could date more.There are times that I think that if I put myself out there more that I could meet someone who would catch my fancy.
Then I walk in my house, cook what I want, buy books and read when I want, watch what I want, drink when I want, get up and go when I want and don't tell anybody where I am going, I do not feel like a bad partner because I work as only a Type A personality would, I sleep when I'm tired, I have a battery recharger and I think.........life is great.
I talk to a lot of guys. I date. I could date more.There are times that I think that if I put myself out there more that I could meet someone who would catch my fancy.
Then I walk in my house, cook what I want, buy books and read when I want, watch what I want, drink when I want, get up and go when I want and don't tell anybody where I am going, I do not feel like a bad partner because I work as only a Type A personality would, I sleep when I'm tired, I have a battery recharger and I think.........life is great.
That's how I feel for the most part. I am pretty happy. But I'm bored with the status quo and want to make an effort to improve things.
I feel like it's harder to improve a reasonably good situation and make positive changes than it it to fix a bad one.
Hi. I am in this kind of situation, too. I live in New York City where the world is my oyster, apparently, in terms of my work (my career and my artistic work), but I know that if I keep frequenting the same venues I will not likely find a serious relationship. I have been living in New York City for about eleven years now, and while I have had a couple of serious relationships in that time, I have discovered over and over again that my values are just not compatible with the values of the majority of people here in the big city--e.g. love and commitment before sex, monogamy, regular companionship, truthfulness, respectfulness, shared pleasures, etc. I keep hearing over and over again that I am old-fashioned or that I am idealistic. So, I have decided that I will open myself to simply dating in New York City, since that is what New York City has to offer; and that in order to do that I will find other places to meet new people outside of my usual inner circle (my friends). I love my friends, my community, but I want a partner, too.
I have also decided to move back to Madison, Wisconsin, where I studied as an undergraduate and lived for six years. I have been back to Madison three times since, and have loved it. I feel so at home there, so much more in my element there. I find dating easier there, and I know in my gut that I will eventually meet that certain someone there. New York City has been great in many ways, but I know that if I stay here I will just create more of the same--a great career and exciting artistic endeavors--while day after day, night after night, going home alone to an empty apartment because I refuse to change my values. I refuse to settle for FB's, FWB's, and other types of short-term hookups. For me, this is no way to live.
I hope my story helps a bit. You are not alone. I wish you all the best.
What if you're contributing to a friends social stagnatation?
I know I am part of the problem for a good friend of mine; he was in a very serious, but toxic, relationship a year ago that ended in Jan of this year and he still hasn't fully recovered from it. He gets social interaction, he gets time to hang out and be social on a schedule that works for him with multiple circles of friends. He is comfortable to the point that actively being in a serious relationship is something he knows he should do, but is comfortable enough that its not a priority. Until he has lonely nights.
I would like to encourage him to get out there and back in the dating game.. but I also know it will cut back on what little time I already have to hang out and spend time with him.
For starters I think I'll join a gym. The combination of some serious exercise and getting into better shape may improve my perspective. And because I've never done the gym thing before, I might meet some new friends.
Do you have any suggestions?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Indi9
Hi. I am in this kind of situation, too. ...in order to do that I will find other places to meet new people outside of my usual inner circle (my friends). I love my friends, my community, but I want a partner, too.
I hope my story helps a bit. You are not alone. I wish you all the best.
I think we're on the same page here. I really like my friends, but I need to expand my circle.
Quote:
Originally Posted by chance2jump
On the flip side...
What if you're contributing to a friends social stagnation?
I know I am part of the problem for a good friend of mine...
... but I also know it will cut back on what little time I already have to hang out and spend time with him.
I am seeing the same problem with one of my best friends and myself. We're doing this to each other. Without talking about it, we've both recently come to the realization that we can't spend so much time together because it's getting in the way of other relationships.
I realized last night that my regular social venues are dead ends as far as meeting new men to date. Ugh. It's going to require effort.
Last night I was having a beer and talking with a married guy friend and we were discussing our goals. I jokingly told him I probably needed to find a serious relationship. But I wasn't joking. Even that's a big revelation.
My regular friends are not providing me with avenues to meet new people. In fact they may be contributing to my social stagnation. That's bad to say of one's friends.
Has anyone ever been faced with the unpleasant truth that you're going to have to make some serious changes to find what you're looking for?
The realization that the values I want out of somebody else, I don't walk myself?
I was in a venue last night and "prowling". I got up and sang and a very care free, very well put together 40 something suddenly was "prowling" me. She's loud, and friendly, dancing around, having a grand old FAKE GOOD TIME. Exactly what I was looking for. My friend said "well I know what your doing tonight!" And it cut me! The whole rest of the night flashed before my eyes. The realization this was going to be a one nighter, everything. I had planned everything prior to him saying that, including not letting her know anything about myself so I wouldn't have to see her again. I had checked my wallet, saw I had a few hundred so a hotel could be paid for. Even thought of what hotel. I tried to accept her. I looked at her and thought She is very desirable! But that comment ruined it. She wasn't what I truly wanted. She knew everybody, which meant she was a regular, was hot, but alone. Why would this girl not be already hooked up? And I'm a total stranger, but then again so isn't she, to me. I scanned the room while she was talking to me and caught the looks, looks are my thing these days.I read them well. She had a few former lovers in the room. And the girlfriends of those guys despised looks. She was me!
I made my excuses and left in a hurry. It's not her, it's me. I'm 45 years old, I'm good at what I do. I need to change what I do though. It's like I gave up and decided to simply improve the flow instead of changing courses, bettering myself to maybe attract what I want, I simply learned how to hook up easily with just anybody. You attract what you are.
I need to change what I do though. It's like I gave up and decided to simply improve the flow instead of changing courses, bettering myself to maybe attract what I want, I simply learned how to hook up easily with just anybody. You attract what you are.
That's one of the better stories I've read here recently.
I'd like to attract someone more like myself. I'm reasonably attractive and have good things going on, but I not sure what image I put forth.
This is definitely true. If you're not meeting people where you're hanging out at, then yes it's time to switch it up a bit. Go to some bars where you haven't been before. However, I'm not really into meeting men at bars (the above post pretty much sums up why). But when I moved to LA and didn't know anyone I took a couple of classes, joined a gym and did some volunteer work. Eventually, I was able to meet a diverse group of friends. I think if you keep doing the same thing and getting the same results it's a clear sign that something has to change.
Think about the type of guy/woman you'd like to meet and go where you think they would be (if you like the artist type, go to some galleries, art shows etc.). Not saying you're going to meet the person of your dreams the first time out but you have a better chance there than at the bar.
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