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Hi, I have been in a 3 relationships with girlfriends and they were not succesfull.
Some time ago I found an amazing woman and we went on a date yesterday. I wonder how to build strong relationship this time, to fall in love in each other completly.
Thanks.
You have to be continuously kind to each other, truly respect each other, and want the best in life for them. That means treating them in the particular ways that makes them feel loved - which isn't necessarily what would work for you, or how you'd normally treat someone. So, you have listen, and respond appropriately. Of course, having good boundaries within the relationship, and with other people who may impact the relationship, is also important - but those things can be negotiated, as they are not the same for all people or relationships.
Be yourself - which means you are clear about what you want and need, and what you want from them, too. You need boundaries for your self, which must be respected - by you, and by them. Basically, you can't be too selfish, too much a door mat, or too controlling. If they are good people this should work - unless, of course, there really isn't any physical/sexual attraction, in which case no matter how good you are, there won't be a match.
Also, I highly recommend moving slower if you usually move fast. That is not just about sex either. It's about declaring your feelings, trying to push the relationship to higher levels of commitment, all of that. Just slow everything down some. Play it a little cool. If you are feeling big feelings, don't rip your heart out of your chest and bounce it off her forehead, wait and see if she's feelin' it too.
I used to hate the idea that I had to "play games." I thought, if I want to bang a guy, I should be able to do that when I want. First date, third date, tenth date, who cares? If I feel loving things for him, I ought to be able to say so if it makes me happy. So what? He doesn't have to reciprocate, it's fine! I'm just like...paying him a compliment for gods sakes, what's wrong with that? I wanted to throw all my cards right down on the table.
My flaw, is that I was not using my imagination to think about how it feels from the other side. When someone is putting pressure on you, and you're not where they are at. It's uncomfortable as hell. And I think this led to multiple situations where at best one person felt love and the other did not. These mismatches in investment of feelings, they are not good. I even had an 18 year marriage where I tried to go along, though I was not "feeling it" the way he was, ever. Bad, bad idea.
So the only difference now, with the first and only truly happy, healthy, strong relationship I've ever had, which I am now in, is that we took it kinda slower than I've ever taken the formation of one before. And we were both feeling emotional investment on the same level, before we took each little baby step into more commitment with one another, and we talked about each stage together.
Do some deep thinking about what went wrong in previous relationships. Be honest with yourself. Maybe some of it was the other partner's fault, but maybe some of it was your fault. When you've identified what you could have done better, learn from those lessons. Sometimes it takes a couple of relationships to really learn how to be in a relationship. Just because the first one, two or three didn't work doesn't mean you're doomed to never have a relationship last. Just keep being honest with yourself and keep learning and growing as a person.
Location: As of 2022….back to SoCal. OC this time!
9,297 posts, read 4,583,293 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Silv4n
Hi, I have been in a 3 relationships with girlfriends and they were not succesfull.
Some time ago I found an amazing woman and we went on a date yesterday. I wonder how to build strong relationship this time, to fall in love in each other completly.
Thanks.
You went on one date! Time! Takes time.. you can't plan to fall in love with each other completely...it just has to happen. But a good start is to make your time together fun. Laugh together, talk, find topics & things to discuss & share together. But be careful not to be too pushy or as tho you are pushing it.. or you may scare her away...just be yourself & be honest. Be open...be kind.....be respectful to her & to other people! If she is the right 1...you'll see, it will happen!
Also, I highly recommend moving slower if you usually move fast. That is not just about sex either. It's about declaring your feelings, trying to push the relationship to higher levels of commitment, all of that. Just slow everything down some. Play it a little cool. If you are feeling big feelings, don't rip your heart out of your chest and bounce it off her forehead, wait and see if she's feelin' it too.
I used to hate the idea that I had to "play games." I thought, if I want to bang a guy, I should be able to do that when I want. First date, third date, tenth date, who cares? If I feel loving things for him, I ought to be able to say so if it makes me happy. So what? He doesn't have to reciprocate, it's fine! I'm just like...paying him a compliment for gods sakes, what's wrong with that? I wanted to throw all my cards right down on the table.
My flaw, is that I was not using my imagination to think about how it feels from the other side. When someone is putting pressure on you, and you're not where they are at. It's uncomfortable as hell. And I think this led to multiple situations where at best one person felt love and the other did not. These mismatches in investment of feelings, they are not good. I even had an 18 year marriage where I tried to go along, though I was not "feeling it" the way he was, ever. Bad, bad idea.
So the only difference now, with the first and only truly happy, healthy, strong relationship I've ever had, which I am now in, is that we took it kinda slower than I've ever taken the formation of one before. And we were both feeling emotional investment on the same level, before we took each little baby step into more commitment with one another, and we talked about each stage together.
Also...communicate a lot, and avoid assumptions.
This is so true and I have learned it this. Right now with a friend who I once dated (yes we know the story of this one) he's starting to make moves but I am treating not as much and letting him set the pace if anything is to develop. So far it seems things are more stable and smooth.
Of course he's so inconsistent that I am not investing until he really opens up. But at the moment letting things just be.
OP also posted he is trying to lose 30lbs for his wedding next month weightloss forum....
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