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Having a breakfast quesadilla and hot coffee today morning, watching the snow fall out of my window, and knowing I don’t need to drive or go out in it. That makes me happy .
Hope everyone wakes up to a great day.
There is a baby shower happening across the street from us. People are honking when they drive by. They are setup outside, have a table and chairs setup and a big sign.
The mom to be is pretty she's wearing a nice pretty flowy dress. She's as big as a house. A big beautiful house. Mrs Chow went out on our balcony and waved and said congratulations.
Neighbors have been coming out and watching the festivities. They are wearing masks and making efforts to have some distance between themselves.
This party of theirs is making me the most happy I've felt in months.
Literally months.
Maybe Mom is going to have beautiful twins, like Sydney did...
My son has major problems. I was thinking about that, with the recent posts on mental health. I don't even know what to say anymore... I wish it were as simple as the whole "get help" but when a loved one does not want to be dedicated to making their own life better, it's such a struggle. He goes off his meds whenever he feels like it, doesn't eat, and pushes himself into a hole. He's torched his chances in college, owes everybody money, and isn't putting much effort into getting a source of income. Yelled at me last night, "What if I WANT to be homeless and die?" We tried hospitalization, but it's so expensive and no one can afford to pay for it, and it didn't do him any good. It was $1500 for a week of daycare with no shoelaces, they didn't even make him do any kind of therapy. We can't do that again.
I've been willing to pay his medical bills, but I've had to draw a line somewhere. I cannot just let my own life be destroyed, I've waited so long to try and get to a future worth living here... I don't want him living with me, I've told him that if he were to do that, it would only be because he is a dependent person, not capable of living his life and making his own decisions, and he'd need to accept that he would lose a lot of the freedom he wants to have, too. That's kind of the problem...he wants all the freedom to make bad choices, but with none of the consequences. I've been trying to impress upon him that life doesn't work that way. So here we are, and I've been working 10-20 hours of OT every week trying to just avoid sinking into debt over his medical bills....but I have no idea how he's going to make rent if he doesn't find a job. I have told him, I can't pay that for him. It's breaking my heart, my sweet child, he's a beautiful, broken young man, and I just don't know if he's going to be ok.
And I feel bad, because the pressure of my life is making it hard for me to feel like I'm being a good wife to my husband...though he understands and he isn't complaining. He's so sweet and supportive. I just feel a lot of guilt, like, did he really sign up for this? When I finally get a chance to log off work and go relax with him, all I want is comfort and distraction, so we watch some TV and snuggle and I go to bed. Our sex life ain't like it should be. But damn, I'm just so...tired.
And I have, this time around, friend after friend reporting testing positive for Covid. I guess it's a good thing that I seem to be adapting to isolation alright, of all the things that are troubling me, staying home and not seeing my friends isn't causing me grief. I have to interact with my son, and that is some risk, but that can't be helped, I don't think. Maybe part of my adaptation to social isolation has to do with my withdrawal/avoidance as a coping mechanism. When I'm stressed, I really tend to pull away from others. I can't bear the fact that people want to come up with some trite advice to hand me like there is an easy solution...I know there isn't one.
I've just got to hope that one way or another, there's an end to these problems, a path through and a light at the end of the tunnel somewhere. Not much else one can do, is there?
Did you marry a man who is not willing to accept your sons as his stepsons?
Your children are your children for life. It doesn't end when they turn 18.
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Chowhound
There is a baby shower happening across the street from us. People are honking when they drive by. They are setup outside, have a table and chairs setup and a big sign.
The mom to be is pretty she's wearing a nice pretty flowy dress. She's as big as a house. A big beautiful house. Mrs Chow went out on our balcony and waved and said congratulations.
Neighbors have been coming out and watching the festivities. They are wearing masks and making efforts to have some distance between themselves.
This party of theirs is making me the most happy I've felt in months.
Literally months.
This would be one time where I don’t mind the honking noises outside, even when working from home.
I did get good news on the neighbors front. The second day I moved into my place in Durham, I had to call the police on a neighbor who was slamming walls and her man during a domestic dispute. I also came back from San Diego last month to find one of her living room windows busted out and plywood over it.
I saw her yesterday moving her crap out of her place. All I can say is good riddance. I’m thinking about whether to renew next year if a complex I looked at and loved in South Durham has a unit available. I only committed to my current complex because it saved 10-15 min of drive time for a drive I thought I’d have to do 5x a week. Now that I only have to do the drive in 3x a week, the extra time would not be that bad to get into a place I feel better about.
This would be one time where I don’t mind the honking noises outside, even when working from home.
I did get good news on the neighbors front. The second day I moved into my place in Durham, I had to call the police on a neighbor who was slamming walls and her man during a domestic dispute. I also came back from San Diego last month to find one of her living room windows busted out and plywood over it.
I saw her yesterday moving her crap out of her place. All I can say is good riddance. I’m thinking about whether to renew next year if a complex I looked at and loved in South Durham has a unit available. I only committed to my current complex because it saved 10-15 min of drive time for a drive I thought I’d have to do 5x a week. Now that I only have to do the drive in 3x a week, the extra time would not be that bad to get into a place I feel better about.
Sorry to hear this. It sucks when you can't enjoy a little peace and quite in your own home.
We've been pretty lucky over the years. We've lived here for 20 plus yrs now and have had decent neighbors for the most part. Don't really have any major issues.
We do have one neighbor that lives a couple of doors down. We haven't seen him for awhile and were wondering if he's moved out. We're not sure.
He's a younger guy, maybe 30, not sure. He's got a serious limp and he's not banging on all cylinders. He's an Iraq war vet. This guy has got a serious drinking problem. He gets blind drunk and since he can't walk all that well when sober he's fallen a couple of times in our condo complex. One day he walks by our door and a few seconds later we hear a big thud. I didn't hear it really, Mrs. Chow did and she told me and I go look outside and the guy is laid out on the ground.
He's not a very big guy but when laid out like that and blind drunk he's literally dead weight. I go to pick him up and I lose my balance and I then fall.
So, we're both laid out on the ground. LOL. Mrs. Chow said it was like watching in slow motion, she sees me lose my bearing and watched us both fall down before she could get over to help.
His dad comes over to check in on him probably just about everyday. We see him walk by our door frequently. I reached out to him and got his phone number in case something happens to the guy. I can't recall his name right now and I'm embarrassed by that.
This young guy is the end result of these fat pigs in office that sends our young people into harms way. I get so f ing mad thinking about that sometimes.
This kid is a broken young man and his life is ruined by policy decisions that most of those people won't have to face themselves. This man is probably going to be alone all his life and I don't know what is going to happen to him when his dad is gone.
Feels like watching a train wreck right in front of you and there isn't a thing you can do to stop it.
Usually no noise where I live, because I have only 3 neighbors who are mostly calm. One is a black couple with a love for sporty European cars, and another is an Asian family with a very energetic daughter who wants to play all the time. The 3rd is a white woman and her BF. She is an engineer, and he is a musician, so a bit of a role reversal. But no unpleasant noises here. I do hear my neighbor play smooth jazz on the sax on a warm summer night, so that’s free music I can enjoy in my backyard .
I'm so happy to hear about that baby shower, what a wonderful thing. I think it's really important to find joy where and how we can in hard times, even if we have to adjust the details and logistics. I did another of my "socially distanced hikes" with friends yesterday. Luckily we've had decent weather and there are many trails without a lot of people on them. It was good to get some sun and exercise and company.
Quote:
Originally Posted by moongirl00
Did you marry a man who is not willing to accept your sons as his stepsons?
Your children are your children for life. It doesn't end when they turn 18.
I did marry a man who doesn't see my sons as his stepsons, and I don't want him to.
If they had been small children, it would have been different. But my own experience with stepparents when I was a teen, was not great. When a new "parent" comes into the picture when kids have already got a sense of normalcy with what they expect from the parents that they have, and they bring a whole new set of parental techniques, attitudes, expectations, if the kids are at a certain age it becomes nothing but a war. I WILL NOT have a war in my household.
My sons were nearly grown by the time we moved in together.
My husband respects that they HAVE a father, and frankly my boys, especially my older one, were to a point of making their own choices about relationships that they maintain or participate in. My older son has chosen not to engage much with his Dad. My younger son has chosen to try to nurture and maintain a relationship with him.
What I wanted and what I got, from my husband, is that he's been a patient and conscientious roommate in how he interacted with the boys when they lived here. He has his own space in the basement (it's a really nice living space down there) and I have my room upstairs. I go down there to spend time with him in the evenings. When the boys lived here, they just crossed paths here and there. Husband is a quiet introvert, and he had no experience with kids, hell, I was his first relationship, he barely had any experience with women, with sharing his life with anyone. He was an only child, too. He listens when I need to vent, he is supportive of my decisions.
Everyone involved has been content with this...polite and respectful, but not exactly close, dynamic between him and my sons. The boys don't have to defy him, my Ex does not feel threatened, and I don't feel caught in the middle of a big conflict.
That last part...that's part of the difficulty I've got. "Your children are your children for life." What does that mean? Does it mean that I should be willing to sacrifice my finite resources for their needs forever, even if it gives them an incentive not to learn to stand on their own? "Well, you made that choice when you had them" is the logic I could look at, but I had them very young. So my dependent situation to a manipulative older man at 18 should mean that I never get to retire in my old age? Or I should just pretend that money is not a thing? Because living with this whole, "It must be done, just make it happen, even if it puts you in debt...it's your kids...they need you..." has definitely set me back a lot. Should I drain not only my own resources but my husband's, and he should be OK with that because he married a woman who has children? And for heavens sakes, no one was there to keep parenting ME when I was 18. While I could have used more support and guidance than I had...I sure did figure out eventually how to be a functional adult, because I didn't really have a choice.
That's kind of the conundrum, y'know? Yes, I'll love my kids until the day I die, of course I will. But what does that look like? My Grandparents spent their lives rescuing my Mom from her bad choices, and she NEVER grew up. She is 62, and her life is a train wreck in every conceivable way. I send her money sometimes, just so that the utilities don't get shut off, because she is too sick to work, with no end in sight due to how obese she is. I don't want my kids to grow up with no ability to live their own lives. No one wants to leave their kids in hardship...but damn, what if it's NECESSARY?
Anyhow.
Sorry for all the text walls. This week is actually a little better, my older son's fiancee bought a turkey for me to cook for us for Thanksgiving, our households already mix due to how much help my younger son needs all the time, so we'll do Thanksgiving here together, with no increase in our exposure, really. My younger one has been doing better about his meds, but still very stressed and anxious. He's applying for jobs. Hopefully someone hires him soon. The sun is shining, the birds are singin'!
Sounds like the baby shower was a fun time. Loved reading that.
Sonic, I am sorry that things are rough. I can somewhat relate due to my son's accident and subsequent brain injury. His continued recovery and care in life will be my responsibility, although he has improved immensely. The work, time, care, and concern that is involved in helping an adult child can be difficult, even on the good days.
So while our situations do not mirror each other, I do understand your frustration. I can go on and on about this, but that would bore everyone to tears and I prefer to not do that
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