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Some of the threads are very lately. I feel bad for people who are struggling, but they're also being their own worst enemy. There's this subset of people who think that you should be able to lock ten single men and ten single women in a room for 2 hours and get 10 well-matched couples at the end. That's not how it works. That's not how any of it works.
As an inherently vanilla person, something that's always impressed me about the kink community is how based in open communication it is. Everything is negotiated and discussed, and everyone has a good time because of it. I've heard way too many horror stories from friends (and had a couple of experiences myself) of partners who just randomly decided to choke or slap or restrain with no warning, and it's no good.
Last edited by fleetiebelle; 12-05-2018 at 10:58 AM..
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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Quote:
Originally Posted by fleetiebelle
That's not how it works. That's not how any of it works..
And that's the thing that is so clear to you, to me, and so many of us. The people that often seem to be harping and struggling with this stuff almost always seem to fundamentally not "get" how people interact and form bonds. It's completely not surprising that there is an incredibly high correlation between those that have chronic issues with these romantic relationships have an absence of a close platonic social network as well.
Quote:
Originally Posted by fleetiebelle
As an inherently vanilla person, something that's always impressed me about the kink community is how based in open communication it is. Everything is negotiated and discussed, and everyone has a good time because of it. I've heard way too many horror stories from friends of partners who just randomly decided to choke or slap or restrain with no warning, and it's no good.
It is usually pretty well done, but violations can and do happen.
I am not really kinky, but my partner is, and I know plenty of people that are, and in reality, it wasn't like they jumped into healthy open communication. For most there were a lot of years where it wasn't so healthy and open, and it took time, and maturity, and finding a community where active consent practices are stressed to get there. Watching/listening negotiate a scene and set down hard limits and safe words is pretty impressive.
Definitely. We have, I think, ethical frameworks and standards we want to meet, and many of us strive to meet, and sometimes we meet them better than other times.
But it was a serious paradigm shift and culture change, for me and for most people who come into a community from the vanilla dating world. And even as an established person, because I'm involved with a club that does not restrict entry very much (orientation, waiver, membership...but anyone is allowed to come and do those things and join, and it's not expensive like some places either) we often get new people who have not really absorbed the ideas yet. I try to be gentle with them but sometimes it's just... wow.
And it's usually guys, who hope they'll show up at a thing and get matched up with no real effort, right away, with a woman who will be the stuff of their hopes and dreams. They figure that's what the club is for. Well it's not. And when it doesn't happen they usually vanish, which, given that mindset, is fine with everyone. They learn or they disappear, basically. But an odd thing happened. We had a very young woman show up and do this. It was nearly surreal. She is a 21 year old lesbian, and she informed me toward the end of her first party (last Saturday) that she was VERY DISAPPOINTED that there were not many women her age, and that all of them appeared to be with MEN (spoken in a tone of disgust and horrified judgment.) She'd asked me several times previously if there were a lot of hot young lesbians who came to our events. I replied that I wasn't sure what she meant by a "lot" and that I was not sure if there were a "lot" of such people in our time zone. I have not seen this level of blaming the environment and angry entitlement in a woman in...a while. It was weird!
Oddly enough though, I've seen members fit in better at the club who have never participated in any kink activity there at all. Who just come to socialize, keep their clothes on, and may or may not in fact be kinky whatsoever. They've just an open enough mind about it, that it doesn't bother them to be around it. And they're there for the friendships and the community. We are all fine with that.
What is with posting random links to random stuff with zero explanation? Seems to be a thing.
OK, good. For a moment I thought I had missed something, and given the nature of that post I was reluctant to look back for some explanation, concerned I might find one.
OK, good. For a moment I thought I had missed something, and given the nature of that post I was reluctant to look back for some explanation, concerned I might find one.
So apparently from what I'm seeing/reading, Facebook and other social media sites are having to seriously sanitize all content because the new FOSTA/SESTA laws could lead to them being sued if anything looks even remotely close to being "solicitation." Photos that look "suggestive" whatever that means, art and photography that is even remotely sexual in any way, any mention of sexual orientation, positions, fetishes, body parts, I dunno. What I'm wondering and why I'm mentioning it here, is we have a personals section, in the Relationships subforum...I don't know if it's resulted in anyone ever actually getting together, but it's there. Is that also going to go away?
And how in the heck are porn sites and online dating sites getting away with existing if social media sites are "forced" to crack down in such an extreme and absolute fashion, at the risk of being sued by...the government? So weird and confusing.
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lately. I feel bad for people who are struggling, but they're also being their own worst enemy. There's this subset of people who think that you should be able to lock ten single men and ten single women in a room for 2 hours and get 10 well-matched couples at the end. That's not how it works. That's not how any of it works.
...and then:
