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I've been reading a book called Deeper Dating, by Ken Page, and he talks about a phenomenon called "the wave." It's where you're dating someone and things seem to be going great and then for whatever reason, you or they start to find fault and then you dump the person, or they dump you. https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog...-relationships
Quote:
How many people do you know who've been in a new relationship, only to have their partner flee for no valid reason? Have you ever done the same to someone? Most of us have. I've seen many people change their entire relationship futures simply by recognizing the Wave for what it is -- and responding to it in a new way.
It seems to me that it's exactly what happened with my last relationship because there seemed to be not one single reason why this happened except that he got scared. Ken urges you to try to ride it out for a little while and if there's no major red flags then maybe it's just a passing wave and he has lots of examples in his book of couples in great relationships who've navigated past this sort of thing. I wonder how many men I've broken up with prematurely? Of course I'm talking about people who are available and want a relationship as much as you do.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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Can't recall doing that to anyone. They might have viewed it that way, but at the end it came down to not feeling it and knowing it wasn't going anywhere. Lots of times everything is "fine", but fine isn't enough to commit to someone and continue on.
I've felt this has happened to me, one even said she was scared of how intense it got so fast... I was the rebound there, but I suspect it comes down to them not feeling it either.
Can't recall doing that to anyone. They might have viewed it that way, but at the end it came down to not feeling it and knowing it wasn't going anywhere. Lots of times everything is "fine", but fine isn't enough to commit to someone and continue on.
I've felt this has happened to me, one even said she was scared of how intense it got so fast... I was the rebound there, but I suspect it comes down to them not feeling it either.
I've never been in a relationship, but stuff like that just boggles my mind.
Seems like a lot of things have to go right (physical attraction, sexual attraction, compatibility, communication, no big deal breakers at the very least, etc.).
And even if all those things are good and fine, one (or even both) could just decide to dump you at any time for really no apparent reason other than they weren't feeling it.
I've never done that. But last boyfriend I had broke up with me because he said he didn't think he was good enough and that he thought I would leave him and break his heart. That's exactly what he told me. He later apologized for hurting me and I graciously accepted his apology. But I cut off all ties to him because it was painful to me. I still don't know if that was the real reason or not. It seems like a lie. If we just are not a match tell me don't leave me wondering if I did something wrong.
I think I still have scars from it. My current boyfriend is nothing but loving and attentive. He has really integrated me into his life a lot more than the last guy. He took me home to meet his family. But he says things like I'm the most beautiful woman he's ever dated and that I'm unlike any woman he's even met. That he thinks I'm awesome. It sounds like he's indirectly thinking I'm too good for him which is exactly what the last boyfriend told me so I wonder if someday there will suddenly be a 180 again. Or I wonder if I did something wrong before with the other boyfriend and if I'll do it again.
I guess I should read the link. I haven't yet. Maybe it will put my heart at ease.
I've never been in a relationship, but stuff like that just boggles my mind.
Seems like a lot of things have to go right (physical attraction, sexual attraction, compatibility, communication, no big deal breakers at the very least, etc.).
And even if all those things are good and fine, one (or even both) could just decide to dump you at any time for really no apparent reason other than they weren't feeling it.
Yes as I always say--the sun, the moon, and the stars have to line up. However, the point of the article is that maybe they are feeling it, but then start to feel the loss of their freedom threatened maybe, even though they really feel they want a relationship with that person, so their mind starts to play tricks on them and they start to feel critical and then they think they're not feeling it, when if they'd just ride out the wave, they'd get back on track. Interesting thought.
Quote:
So what do you do when the Wave hits? The main thing is to recognize that it is just a wave. And waves pass. In most cases, your affection just went temporarily underground. Even though you can't feel it, its probably still there. If you can just give yourself a bit of space - you're allowed! - and keep a sense of good will toward the person you're dating, the feelings almost always come back.
We're talking here of course about a situation where there are no red flags--just that you were feeling it one day and the next--poof. I've had my feelings disappear before for no apparent reason.
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Of course I'm talking about people who are available and want a relationship as much as you do.
