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My Finace moved here from Japan last month. She is under a lot of stress so we are fighting a lot. Every weekend almost. She get's angry at me for things that I consider "little". I get angry that she is yelling at me for these mistakes. She says they are not little and the fact that I think they means that we shouldn't be together. I want to know if these things are actually a big deal, or if it's just her being stressed from moving to another country.
Friday night and Saturday we were with each other all day. Friday night we had drinks downtown alone and Saturday we went shopping and then had fish at a restaraunt like she had been craving for a while now. Everything was really good. Sunday I went out to a Portuguese Language club with friends in the morning. She was invitied, but she had no interest so she didn't go. We talked about going out to get her a dress after I get back. When I get back, I am very sleepy. She is dressed very nice, and I remember thinking" Why is she dressed so nice". I laid down and started to nap and she said are you going to sleep? I thought we were going out. I said, oh yeah I forgot. Ok give me 20 minutes and we will go. She said the "way" I said it made her upset. We didn't go because she was so upset. So I slept and then she got angry that I didn't apologize for forgetting. Then she got angrier that I told her she needs to relax. I kept saying that I didn't mean to forget and that once you reminded me I still wanted to go. I just wanted to nap for 20 min. BUt then she got angrier because she though I was blaming her for us fighting. (Which I kinda was).
This is one example. How can I go about this better. I don't want her to go home but off of this one fight she already seems like she wants to leave.
It's not really about the dress or the nap or forgetting.
It sounds like problems with expectations and communication, both of which CAN kill a relationship if you don't learn how to manage them.
She had an EXPECTATION of what y'all would do, and then when you did not live up to that expectation, she got angry.
It sounds like her emotions got in the way of communicating properly about it. MAYBE she is overreacting because of the stress, but she cannot blame it on that for very long.
I would talk about it over a calm dinner and try to look at the big picture. If you are her only lifeline here right now, there is a lot of pressure on you, and you can either give her some leeway until she adjusts to her new situation, or you can react in kind and make things worse.
It's not really about the dress or the nap or forgetting.
It sounds like problems with expectations and communication, both of which CAN kill a relationship if you don't learn how to manage them.
She had an EXPECTATION of what y'all would do, and then when you did not live up to that expectation, she got angry.
It sounds like her emotions got in the way of communicating properly about it. MAYBE she is overreacting because of the stress, but she cannot blame it on that for very long.
I would talk about it over a calm dinner and try to look at the big picture. If you are her only lifeline here right now, there is a lot of pressure on you, and you can either give her some leeway until she adjusts to her new situation, or you can react in kind and make things worse.
This is a great reply.
Other than forgetting I do not think you did anything wrong. Even that in itself is not malicious. Maybe you could analyze how you replied, because your reply seemed to unintentionally make things worse and not better.
Other than that, it sounds like she needs to better communicate her feelings and expectations.
Your right, this ultimately is a little thing in and of itself. You just don't want these types of run ins over little things to become habit.
It's not really about the dress or the nap or forgetting.
It sounds like problems with expectations and communication, both of which CAN kill a relationship if you don't learn how to manage them.
Agreed.
I think part of it may be attention-based. From what you wrote, it seems like she's happy when you are together. Maybe she's lonely living in a new country and only has you to hang out with, so she feels insecure when you are gone and is dealing with it in an immature way. is there any way you can help her to meet friends?
She just moved to another country, and - I'm guessing - another culture where she doesn't know a lot of people, and she's only been here a month. Why are you telling here to "relax"??? She is probably incredibly stressed out, lonely, wondering if she made the right decision to move where you are. You should be acting as nice and accomodating as possible while she settles and expect that "little things" (to you) might be big things to her for awhile. She is in a very vulnerable place and I don't think you're seeing that. I can't imagine moving to another country for someone.
I believe your problems may stem from her stress and change of cultures also. You did not say how long you two knew one another before she came over. How long you have talked, when you first meet, what was the extent of your relationship and for how long.
It would have been more considerate of her if you had asked her, "Hun, I am exhausted from this morning. Do you mind if I crash for like half an hour before we go to the store?" Then she may not have had an issue. But you were tired, you forgot, you laid down, then when she confronted you about it, you gave a half hearted response because you were tired and that sat her off.
All of the things she has been sitting on as, "Well thats just the different in America" or the small differences that she thought were "cute" are going to suddenly make her boil over.
I suggest that you do something for her very nice, that you both enjoy equally. Whatever y'alls thing is. Apologize for being an block head man, and that you will try and be more understanding of her feelings moving forward. Ask her for patience as you two conform to one anothers expectations.
Face it, your a man, we are almost always wrong. Its better just to say, "Yep, I'm a dummy" then it is to pursue these kinds of detailed fight. Making logic out of illogical responses is always tempting for humans. Its one reason we are fascinated with serial killers. Men and Women have responses that aren't really proportional to the matter at hand, most of the time this is when the pent up feelings come to a head, and you get an explosion. I always found that, in most circumstances, its better just to let your partner blow off steam, then come back the next day and they will feel really bad about how they acted.
Relationships, they take work. Tread carefully, your time is precious.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SliceableStew
My Finace moved here from Japan last month. She is under a lot of stress so we are fighting a lot. Every weekend almost. She get's angry at me for things that I consider "little". I get angry that she is yelling at me for these mistakes. She says they are not little and the fact that I think they means that we shouldn't be together. I want to know if these things are actually a big deal, or if it's just her being stressed from moving to another country.
Friday night and Saturday we were with each other all day. Friday night we had drinks downtown alone and Saturday we went shopping and then had fish at a restaraunt like she had been craving for a while now. Everything was really good. Sunday I went out to a Portuguese Language club with friends in the morning. She was invitied, but she had no interest so she didn't go. We talked about going out to get her a dress after I get back. When I get back, I am very sleepy. She is dressed very nice, and I remember thinking" Why is she dressed so nice". I laid down and started to nap and she said are you going to sleep? I thought we were going out. I said, oh yeah I forgot. Ok give me 20 minutes and we will go. She said the "way" I said it made her upset. We didn't go because she was so upset. So I slept and then she got angry that I didn't apologize for forgetting. Then she got angrier that I told her she needs to relax. I kept saying that I didn't mean to forget and that once you reminded me I still wanted to go. I just wanted to nap for 20 min. BUt then she got angrier because she though I was blaming her for us fighting. (Which I kinda was).
This is one example. How can I go about this better. I don't want her to go home but off of this one fight she already seems like she wants to leave.
Well, you need to be more aware of her. You said you were going to do something (albeit, only to appease her) and then you didnt. It was also very rude of you not to apologize for it. You probably would have to a co-worker, business acquaintance, or casual friend, I'd bet. Why would she be omitted from such a loose list for common courtesy?
You need to get off it - both of you. How about you start? You could simply and firmly look in her eyes and tell her that you are sorry, but you are having some adjustment problems yourself, when it comes to slipping her comfortably into your daily life. Tell her that you want her to stay and be a part of your daily life (if thats what you want), but just like she needs patience and understanding while she adjusts to her new environment - so do you.
She wants your respect and consideration. She may feel she is giving you her respect and consideration, and it is going unnoticed or unrewarded. She is being open and honest, and letting you know.
It seems to me like she is more like a pet to you, than a partner. Something you feel free to disregard, until you want its active company. I apologize if I got it wrong, but yeah...
Well, you need to be more aware of her. You said you were going to do something (albeit, only to appease her) and then you didnt. It was also very rude of you not to apologize for it. You probably would have to a co-worker, business acquaintance, or casual friend, I'd bet. Why would she be omitted from such a loose list for common courtesy?
You need to get off it - both of you. How about you start? You could simply and firmly look in her eyes and tell her that you are sorry, but you are having some adjustment problems yourself, when it comes to slipping her comfortably into your daily life. Tell her that you want her to stay and be a part of your daily life (if thats what you want), but just like she needs patience and understanding while she adjusts to her new environment - so do you.
She wants your respect and consideration. She may feel she is giving you her respect and consideration, and it is going unnoticed or unrewarded. She is being open and honest, and letting you know.
It seems to me like she is more like a pet to you, than a partner. Something you feel free to disregard, until you want its active company. I apologize if I got it wrong, but yeah...
I just realized this is the same guy who also screwed up in the other thread he just made, and also couldn't apologize, and tried to deflect blame onto her for it.
She's in a brand new country, knows no one, has to adapt to a new culture and customs and the OP doesn't sound very considerate of her and acts/says things without thinking and then doesn't want to apologize, because maybe it's her fault for being stubborn.
You both have to adapt to each other, and you particularly need to be more sensitive to the fact that you are essentially her lifeline right now, the only person she knows and trusts. Don't betray that with juvenile antics.
It could be cultural. I dunno. I know a lot of people who are big on being prompt and holding you to your word. I'm one of them.
If you told me to be ready at X time and you showed up, forgot, and then wanted me to wait while you napped, I'd be annoyed. My time is valuable. I was ready when you asked me to be, out of respect for your time. I expect the same.
I don't think I would have reacted like she did if it wasn't a regular occurrence. But, "little" is relative. Sometimes it's not just what people do but why; the inclination to do or not do it. It speaks to where we rank with them.
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This is a great reply.
