Need Help Understanding (men, average, experiences, personal)
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We spent most of the day yesterday talking about this. She says that when we talked about this guy I did not ask her directly. My question to her was " did you have sex with these guys?" And she said no. When the conversation came up again over the weekend. I asked her " have truly not seen a dick in 3 years?" And that's when she went on about giving them head. Yesterday, she qualified oral as not sex. WTF? Am I crazy or something to think that she willingly lie? Should I let it go? Many of you are saying dump her, a little are saying is up to me to figure out if I want to go thru that and one says I'm insecure. Wouldn't you be insecure?
I don't consider oral equiv. to "sex" and so if someone asked me if I had sex I would have said no as well.
And did you literally say "have you truly not seen a dick in 3yrs?" You put it in quotes so I have to assume those were your exact words.
If so, that's pretty crude. Why in the world would you speak to a woman you are interested in like that? That makes you sound like a total jackass.
I don't consider oral equiv. to "sex" and so if someone asked me if I had sex I would have said no as well.
So, just curious. Does that mean, if your husband got a blow job, it's okay, because it's not sex, and therefore, not really cheating? Or if a woman only gives oral, but nothing else, does her number really stay the same? Even if she gave oral to the a whole professional football team?
So, just curious. Does that mean, if your husband got a blow job, it's okay, because it's not sex, and therefore, not really cheating? Or if a woman only gives oral, but nothing else, does her number really stay the same? Even if she gave oral to the a whole professional football team?
So, just curious. Does that mean, if your husband got a blow job, it's okay, because it's not sex, and therefore, not really cheating? Or if a woman only gives oral, but nothing else, does her number really stay the same? Even if she gave oral to the a whole professional football team?
I guess, I just think that's a cop out.
That would depend on how you define cheating.
For me, cheating can take many forms. He could never have touched the woman, and it still be cheating depending on their relationship.
Is this for me? If it is, I don't understand why you'd ask me that. I think oral is sex as is any sexual encounter. So gay sex, is sex. Regardless if they have intercourse.
We spent most of the day yesterday talking about this. She says that when we talked about this guy I did not ask her directly. My question to her was " did you have sex with these guys?" And she said no. When the conversation came up again over the weekend. I asked her " have truly not seen a dick in 3 years?" And that's when she went on about giving them head. Yesterday, she qualified oral as not sex. WTF? Am I crazy or something to think that she willingly lie? Should I let it go? Many of you are saying dump her, a little are saying is up to me to figure out if I want to go thru that and one says I'm insecure. Wouldn't you be insecure?
I think you need to let this go - not the woman, the topic.
It sounds to me like she was embarrassed about this, and it also sounds to me like BEFORE SHE MET YOU, she justified a lot of behavior in her head by defining "sex" as "intercourse." This isn't an unheard of mindset. Is it self deceptive? Yes. But she was justifying behavior that she wasn't proud of.
It doesn't sound like she was a ***** dog in the street - it does sound like she was a regular, normal woman who was having a hard time finding the balance between relationships and sexual behavior - someone used to being married and having a sexual partner readily at hand (or mouth - sorry, couldn't resist!) and who was trying to "save face" regarding her normal sexual urges.
You do know that you're torturing her with this line of conversation, right? Is that your intention? What are you really trying to find out? Do you love this woman? Has she lied to you about anything else (she's splitting hairs but I really don't think she meant to LIE to you - she's lying more to herself than she is to you, anyway). Plus - SHE TOLD YOU. Which means that she wanted to "come clean" - that this was bothering her enough for her to risk everything to be honest with you - and now you're interrogating her as if she was on the stand.
The more I think about this, the more YOUR reaction bothers me. I hate to say this and I am sincerely not trying to be snarky, but it sounds like you have more issues than she does, and your obsession with this line of thought, and your interrogation of her, does not bode well for her in the future. I'm more concerned for her than I am for you, frankly. If you can't put this out of your head and move forward, you should cut her loose - as much for her as for you.
And get some counseling to figure out what's at the root of this problem.
By the way, have you been celibate the past three years? Just curious.
When I met my the man I would eventually marry, I had been single for about a year after a divorce. I had not been a perfect little celibate angel, but I hadn't been crazy sexually, either. However, you have to understand that I had been married for a long time, so the idea of anyone else being in my bed had a bit of a freak out feel to it anyway. Plus, I don't like the idea of sleeping around and really had had every intention of being very reserved sexually until I was in a very serious relationship, but...well, let's just say I was monogamous but not a nun.
I wasn't really proud of this track record, but I also knew that I was (and still am) a healthy, normal woman.
Anyway, I met my future husband and we both fell madly in love on our first date (and eight years later are even more in love with each other). After we got serious, and then engaged, I began to over analyze my prior dating behavior. It really began to bother me, because though he had never asked me, I realized that I was regretting some things I'd done, and I felt like maybe he had an unrealistic idea of me. So...after we each had had about 4 beers one evening on a date, I loosed my tongue and started telling him some things.
Within the first minute of the conversation, as soon as he realized the line of talk, he put his hand over mine and said, "Hey. That's in the past. I don't care about that. I trust you. I love you. You feel the same about me. We're going to get married and be faithful to each other for the rest of our lives. I'm no saint myself. Let's just move forward."
I love that man.
We are at such a comfortable place in our relationship that we often talk about all those stupid dates we went on with crazy people before we got married (we both dated a lot of people before we met each other - and so there are lots of funny stories and crazy situations to laugh about!). It's so great to be in a relationship with a mature, secure man who is not suspicious and controlling.
Truly I'm not concerned about her former sexual life. I'm concerned about how she presented the information and then changed it. I'm thinking long term with this woman and it worries me that this could have major repercussions in the future.
Thanks for the reply
Quote:
Originally Posted by Toomuchtoworryabout
I have been dating this girl for about 6 months now. She lost her husband late last year and I divorced this year. Within of our relationship, we became intimate and she told she has not been with any one in over 3 years. This week, I found out that she had 3 night stands since her husband passed and before she met me. She now changed her statement to " no one has been inside me in 3 years" " you are the first man to give me an orgasm in 3 years" etc.
I never asked her if she had seen someone after her husband passed. She volunteered the information about a couple of guys that she met and she was quick to tell me "nothing happened". Now I'm questioning her integrity a little and I'm thinking that she might have not been truthful and it worries me moving forward.
Am I off here?
Thanks
I agree with you there. If couples are going to volunteer their past then they should be honest about it. Maybe I'm reading your post wrong but to me it seems like she cheated on her husband if he died a year ago and she "hasn't been with anyone" for over 3 years.
Trust your gut instincts. If you feel something is "off" then I wouldn't pursue anything further with her. Trust is one of the most important elements in a relationship and if there is no trust then the relationship is doomed.
So, just curious. Does that mean, if your husband got a blow job, it's okay, because it's not sex, and therefore, not really cheating? Or if a woman only gives oral, but nothing else, does her number really stay the same? Even if she gave oral to the a whole professional football team?
I guess, I just think that's a cop out.
This doesn't follow. One can choose not to regard oral sex as "sex" in the context of intercourse and it not be a cop out. If I am asked the number of partners I've been with I will only count/include those I have had intercourse with. Oral sex is a form of sex, but it is not what most people think of when "sex," as in, sleeping with someone, is discussed.
"I had sex with him." When I hear or read that statement my mind automatically thinks of intercourse. That isn't to say everything else isn't a form sexual activity. I just don't categorize it in the same way, and it has absolutely nothing to do with not wanting to be viewed as a sl*t. Sure, including the partners I've had oral sex with would significantly raise my number, but it's a non-issue for me. I feel absolutely no shame for it at all.
As for cheating, in my relationships, it's simple. If it isn't something he would do in my presence, it's cheating. Any and every form of romantic activity or intimacy is regarded as cheating. So, if he would not kiss another woman in my presence then it's cheating, and so on and so forth. The same applies for emotional cheating. I had an ex whose wife had an emotional and physical affair. Their marriage had already dissolved by that point. He was having an emotional affair with his "best friend." It was a typical unrequited love situation. He did non-platonic things for this woman. He was in denial that he, too, was engaging in an emotional affair. Look, if you wouldn't give another woman flowers or jewelry in front of your spouse or partner, it's cheating.
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