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I am a 26 year old man and I recently got engaged to my wonderful 32 year old girlfriend of 6 years. We met while we were studying for our undergrad degrees, and she is currently studying for her PhD, while I am studying for my Master's. Yesterday, we got the news that my fiance has won a $60,000 scholarship, and while I was incredibly happy and proud of her, I almost ended our relationship because I can't help but feel that I am holding her back.
Since we are both students, we are currently living in a tiny studio apartment. My girlfriend has never struggled with money since she is completely funded at her school, and has received plenty of high paying scholarships. I, on the other hand, am not funded by my school, and am living off of my quickly dwindling savings from a previous job. We live in Canada, so tuition is only about $3,500 a year. Thus, my girlfriend is free to do pretty much as she pleases with her newly acquired $60,000.
When we discovered that she got the scholarship, my heart sank, and I couldn't shake the feeling that I am holding her back. We've always dreamed of getting a condo together, to have a beautiful wedding, and to start a family together in a couple of years. However, as a broke student without any funding, I'll remain broke until I graduate in 2.5 years. My girlfriend, however, still has plenty of money in the bank, and just acquired $60,000. The things we want together can be easily attained by her, but she won't solely because of me, and I can't stop feeling tremendously guilty because of this...
We've discussed this last night, and my fiance told me that she wants all of these things only with me. She told me that as long as I am with her, she couldn't care less about waiting a bit. My fiance is truly a wonderful, and compassionate woman, and I know I want to spend the rest of my life with her, but I also know that I can't tolerate feeling like I am holding her back, and that I can't support her...
Have any of you gone through something similar? How did you prevent these feelings from ruining your relationship?
TL/DR: I am a 26 year old man, engaged to a wonderful 32 year old woman, who I've been with for 6 years. I am studying for my Master's degree, while my fiance is studying for her PhD. My fiance just got a $60,000 dollar scholarship, while I am broke. I almost ended our relationship last night because I feel like I am holding her back. How can I prevent these feelings from ruining my incredible relationship?
Just remember that women wanted equality really bad, and here is the result. Some of us guys have not grasped that yet. I try to think it's perfectly normal to have the female in a better position nowadays.
Just keep reinforcing that you are really happy for her. If you sulk about it, you might come off as feeling sad for her which she wouldn't like.
Neither of you will be buying a house/condo as a student so don't worry about that. You can have a down payment but banks want to see income as proof that you can afford your mortgage over 30 years.
What are you two planning to do for work after you graduate? That is the most important part.
The stuff that happens in university is only a small part in life. She may go on to become a professor and while they do well, they aren't exactly rich either. You may get a job that pays equal or more. She could also end up being a stay-at-home mom. Many have degrees, even high degrees these days. The future is what you make it and at this point you don't know what it holds.
Why are you deciding if you are holding her back? She may not feel that way, and if she sees that you are still making progress in your life to achieve your goals, maybe she wants to be a part of that. If she doesn't think it's a problem, don't make it a problem
[quote]I am a 26 year old man and I recently got engaged to my wonderful 32 year old girlfriend of 6 years. We met while we were studying for our undergrad degrees, and she is currently studying for her PhD, while I am studying for my Master's. Yesterday, we got the news that my fiance has won a $60,000 scholarship, and while I was incredibly happy and proud of her, I almost ended our relationship because I can't help but feel that I am holding her back.
Since we are both students, we are currently living in a tiny studio apartment. My girlfriend has never struggled with money since she is completely funded at her school, and has received plenty of high paying scholarships. I, on the other hand, am not funded by my school, and am living off of my quickly dwindling savings from a previous job. We live in Canada, so tuition is only about $3,500 a year. Thus, my girlfriend is free to do pretty much as she pleases with her newly acquired $60,000.
When we discovered that she got the scholarship, my heart sank, and I couldn't shake the feeling that I am holding her back. We've always dreamed of getting a condo together, to have a beautiful wedding, and to start a family together in a couple of years. However, as a broke student without any funding, I'll remain broke until I graduate in 2.5 years. My girlfriend, however, still has plenty of money in the bank, and just acquired $60,000. The things we want together can be easily attained by her, but she won't solely because of me, and I can't stop feeling tremendously guilty because of this...
We've discussed this last night, and my fiance told me that she wants all of these things only with me. She told me that as long as I am with her, she couldn't care less about waiting a bit. My fiance is truly a wonderful, and compassionate woman, and I know I want to spend the rest of my life with her, but I also know that I can't tolerate feeling like I am holding her back, and that I can't support her...
Have any of you gone through something similar? How did you prevent these feelings from ruining your relationship?[\QUOTE]
This is a very complex relationship. It appears that there are control issues stemming from your "fiancee's" childhood regarding money and romance.
I will speculate that you are a very "laid back" and easy going guy with few demands. Content with the status quo. Whereas she is someone who feels the need to be in control, especially of herself and her life.
Apparently, you were raised with the traditional values that a man should take care of his family. It obviously bothers you that you cannot do this and that your girlfriend is in a better position financially.
I suppose you could actually get out there and get a job and make more money. Then you wouldn't have this excuse not to marry her, which is really the problem. Any woman who would wait around for 6 years for someone to get around to marrying her is either fooling herself, or she doesn't want to get married either.
There are many other factors at play here. Her childhood, your childhood.
We've discussed this last night, and my fiance told me that she wants all of these things only with me. She told me that as long as I am with her, she couldn't care less about waiting a bit. My fiance is truly a wonderful, and compassionate woman, and I know I want to spend the rest of my life with her, but I also know that I can't tolerate feeling like I am holding her back, and that I can't support her...
don't let your insecurity ruin this relationship. Be happy for her scholarship and don't worry about money now.
OP, this is what love is for. You love each other, you're a couple. She has no problem sharing a life with you, and the benefits her financial situation offers, with you. I don't understand how you could possibly be holding her back. I don't understand where these thoughts are coming from. Why can't you just relax and enjoy her good fortune? In time, you'll finish school, get a job, and will be contributing to the household.
You may never make as much money as she,with a PhD, will. Is that an issue for you? (Surely you've been aware of this all along.) Or depending on which fields and job options you both choose, you could end up with similar incomes. Does that matter? Why do you care? You have a great gf (a great blessing in itself! People struggle miserably to find a good match!), you're both in love and apparently get along great, so why invent problems, when in fact, everything's going swimmingly?
You don't seem to understand how blessed you are, and how blessed you BOTH are, together. Please take some time to reflect on that. I really don't get the "holding her back" thing. Nothing, in fact, has changed. You're still, as before, set to graduate in 2.5 years, at which point you'll get a job. She'll still graduate on schedule, as well. Your dreams together are intact, everything is still on track. Where is the problem?
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