How to talk to the girl I'm dating about me wanting to wait for sex? (Christian, wife)
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So I've got an interesting/confusing situation here and was trying to figure out what everyone sort of thought about it, and what I should do/say, if anything.
I'm 24 years old and still a virgin (By choice, and because of my Christian morals. It's not like I just can't find a girl who is attracted to me or anything.) I've had girlfriends before and messed around/did some things but always held short of going all the way. I have just always believed that sex is something really important between two people who really love each other, and not just a casual thing.
I started really liking a girl whom I was her supervisor for a few months at a part-time job. I wanted to remain professional during that time, so we didn't really do or say anything about dating, though we did hang out a few times.
Now she is no longer my employee, and this past weekend we hung out for the first time since her working for me.
We went out to dinner, went back to my place, hung out chatting for a while and things like that. We went up to bed and watched a movie in bed, did a bit of making out and cuddling and stuff in bed, then were going to fall asleep. Then out of nowhere she pipes up and says she was confused because she thought we were going to be more physical already. I asked, in what way? And she says, I guess I thought we were going to have sex.
I tell her that she is going to have to be patient because I probably move a lot slower than most guys, and it's important for me to really get to know people well before going too far with them. She says, that's fine, that she doesn't want to make me uncomfortable, and that she will let me take the lead. So she laid back down and we fell asleep.
The next day, we hung out all day doing things, fooled around a bit / made out some more, then I took her back home that night. We were texting late that night, and she said she was still "processing the weekend and what happened." I asked her what she meant by that, and she said it was just a whirlwind going from being my employee to getting so intimate so fast.
And in my head I was thinking, "Wait, intimate? You were the one that thought we were going to have sex and said you would be patient with me."
So I'm having trouble figuring out what she is thinking. We do like each other a lot, and that's obvious. BUT, I have a question(s):
1. I really don't plan on having sex until I am really, really in love with someone, which I don't think has happened with any of my past girlfriends. Based on our short conversation in bed, I'm not sure she realizes that it's to that much of an extent with me. I'm wondering if she thinks it will only be a couple more dates before I'm ready for sex? I should have been more straightforward and less vague when the topic came up.
How can I express this to her in a way that won't turn her off? And should I mention that I'm a virgin while I'm at it? I'm not exactly ashamed that I'm a virgin, especially since I've had plenty of chances at it but have always turned them down for personal moral reasons.
I have never thought that this was a big deal in the past, but it seems like reading online places such as this forum and other relationship forums that being a virgin, even by choice, is a BIG deal.
Thanks for any of you who actually read this whole thing and respond.
First stop getting in bed with her. You are sending mixed signals so naturally she is going to be confused about the situation and may very well believe she will be having sex in the very near future.
Be truthful. Just tell her how you feel about premarital sex and that you are a virgin. She will either be ok with waiting or not.
i highly doubt you two are on the same page sex-wise from what you've told us. i agree that you are sending mixed messages, but i also can't see it working out with this girl considering the awkwardness that arose in the initial hangouts and the fact that she's very likely not a virgin herself nor would she share your views on sex. just a guess
How far have you gone? I can't imagine taking someone to my bedroom if the intent was not to get jiggy with it. That's beyond mixed signals; that's just silly stupid. So, yeah, you confused the hell out of her.
First stop getting in bed with her. You are sending mixed signals so naturally she is going to be confused about the situation and may very well believe she will be having sex in the very near future.
Be truthful. Just tell her how you feel about premarital sex and that you are a virgin. She will either be ok with waiting or not.
^^This.
Op, why are you spending the night with each other when you're not even in a relationship? Your morals say it's not right to have sex but it's ok to have sleep-overs? I can see why she's receiving mixed signals.
Tell her how you feel. If she's completely ok with it then start watching tv on the sofa and no more sleep overs.
she said she was still "processing the weekend and what happened." I asked her what she meant by that, and she said it was just a whirlwind going from being my employee to getting so intimate so fast
u hooked a head case. she's turning imagined rejection into some reverse psychology game
i'd bail if i were you. especially since you don't want sex any time soon
+1 to stop hopping into bed with these girls. don't saddle up if you don't want to ride
How far have you gone? I can't imagine taking someone to my bedroom if the intent was not to get jiggy with it. That's beyond mixed signals; that's just silly stupid. So, yeah, you confused the hell out of her.
I agree with the above. She had every reason to think you intended to boink her. Very stupid thing to take a woman into your bedroom, and especially on your first real date.
If you want to give out the message that you are a moral Christian guy, then you better stop taking women up to your bedroom.
Perhaps you would be much farther ahead in both the short term and long term if you stayed in your own corral as far as dating women goes.
I agree with the above. She had every reason to think you intended to boink her. Very stupid thing to take a woman into your bedroom, and especially on your first real date.
If you want to give out the message that you are a moral Christian guy, then you better stop taking women up to your bedroom.
Perhaps you would be much farther ahead in both the short term and long term if you stayed in your own corral as far as dating women goes.
Rep!
Quote:
Originally Posted by 2mares
First stop getting in bed with her. You are sending mixed signals so naturally she is going to be confused about the situation and may very well believe she will be having sex in the very near future.
Be truthful. Just tell her how you feel about premarital sex and that you are a virgin. She will either be ok with waiting or not.
Absolutely.
I had a similar experience when I was younger. For what ever stupid reason I told her I wanted to wait, thinking it would be be more special when the time was right. She gave me the thumbs up for sex after a hot make out session and I said "No, not right now". She took it as rejection and we never went out again.
Hey. If you want to wait, that's cool. Totally respect that. But quit taking her to the bedroom. What's more, you need to really tell her what's going on.
I was certainly no virgin by the time I met my wife. But I didn't sleep with her on our first, second, or third date (Not that she would have done it anyway). But even at our tenth date, I kind of held off even when she was ready.
It was uncharacteristic of me, but I knew that she was really special, and I didn't want to ruin things with a premature roll in the hay. And I told her as much. So we waited another month, and am glad we did.
It ain't a race. Take your time with it. But let her know what's going on in your big head.
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