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My partner and I have been together two years. I recently got a great job offer which will require a move to NYC. We currently live in LA. I am thinking over the offer.
My partner will need to quit his job to make the move, which he is more than happy to do as he is very unfulfilled at work. We have been discussing all the details-- renting out our place in LA, getting new furniture to fit a smaller NYC apartment, his job search, etc. As this is my job offer, I am getting some money toward relocation and will be paying most of the expenses for the move with the expectation that once he finds a job, he will begin to pay back some of the costs as needed.
We have been arguing quite a bit about how this will work. To be quite frank, I am starting to feel more like a parent than a partner. He has been complaining that he won't have any money, that he will need to "borrow" from me for a while, etc. I have reassured him that though this will be costly, it will be fine. We are well situated to have a few months of adjusting. But the discussions get more heated as the time to make a decision draws closer. A few nights ago he asked me to outright loan him some money. I explained again that I would be happy to cover his costs as we had discussed, but that didn't satisfy. Finally, exasperated, I said that if he wanted a lump sum he should ask his family as I will cover expenses for our move, but I am not a bank. He said he would "never inconvenience" his family with this request. Which peeved me. (Okay, what about inconveniencing ME?)
My partner is a bit younger than me and is still finding his way, career-wise. This move represents more opportunity for his job search, as there is a LOT going on in his field on the east coast --more than the west coast. If he wanted to stay in LA, I have told him over and over he can stay in the condo, but he says he wants to go to NYC. I am not sure what he wants. The arguments keep on coming, and I am at the point where I feel like taking the offer and going on my own.
So take the offer and go on your own. When your partner decides to mature and has a job lined up and money saved up THEN he can move to his own place. Then you can see if things will work out between you in the future.
Congratulations on the new opportunity and don't let the partner issue stress you out too much, you have many more important things to be thinking about right now.
SInce we have been together I have made a few career moves that ended up increasing my income quite a bit. I now make twice what he does, and will be making more than that if we move (though COL will eat that up pretty fast). I don't rub this in his face or anything, but its a problem for him. He brings it up a lot and it gets tiresome. I work very hard. My job is quite stressful. The last thing I want to do is hear about money.
Before you can even consider planning a financial future with someone, you have to look at what type of personality you each have.
I think your boyfriend is threatened by your potential success and he might be embarrassed about his own situation. This is not necessarily a bad sign. At least, he is not a freeloader who wants to rely on you for money. I think he deserves to be given the credit where credit is due. However, in the long run, I don't think this relationship will work out. You two seem to have completely different outlook on life.
Our personalities tend to be compatible 90% of the time. Its in times of decision making that we encounter problems. He keeps saying that he wants to move with me, but then complains about how he doesn't have the money to do it. When I suggest that he stay put he resists even more vehemently.
I really think this is an ego thing with him. He is uncomfortable that I am calling the shots on this move.
I have a love/hate relationship with Dave Ramsey and his advice but he's often right on a lot of things. The #1 reason marriages fail is money and even though you guys are making a life change move across the country, it appears you're on opposite pages when it comes to money. Ramsey recommends that a couple attend premarital financial counseling prior to marriage and I recommend doing it before you move 3000 miles from eachother
I have the money to move. I have offered to pay for his move outright as he is losing a job if he choses to relocate. He has tempered this by saying he will pay me back. Which is fine. But then he keep revisiting the topic and is obviously uncomfortable with this idea. Strangely, he asked to borrow a lump sum of money from me to move, which is the equivalent of me giving money away and getting it back immediately. Does not make sense.
I am perturbed that he seems to think so highly of his family that he would not inconvenience them with such a request, but its fine to ask ME. That chaps my hide. Why is my money any less valuable than that of his precious family?
I am perturbed that he seems to think so highly of his family that he would not inconvenience them with such a request, but its fine to ask ME. That chaps my hide. Why is my money any less valuable than that of his precious family?
This can be a problem. Eventually, you will resent him.
This can be a problem. Eventually, you will resent him.
Agreed
Quote:
Originally Posted by whatisthedealwith
I am perturbed that he seems to think so highly of his family that he would not inconvenience them with such a request, but its fine to ask ME. That chaps my hide. Why is my money any less valuable than that of his precious family?
Not sure how'd I'd feel if my S/O asked me this but I could understand the mindset of "my S/O wants me to move, therefore they're loaning me the money". Make sure you verify state laws and write a contract for the loan...If you guys make the move and then your relationship falls apart, you can probably kiss that money goodbye without a contract.
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