Am I Mistaken About Him Playing Mind Games? Don't think so but open hearing other ideas. (dating, wife)
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A few years back, a guy I dated who broke my heart. For a year, all I knew was heartbreak until I finally said enough and brought a ticket to a singles event on NYE 2011. I met someone else. I liked him even more.
He was my age (first guy was 10 years younger) & he talked/pushed commitment (marriage, children) from before he asked for my number. We dated for two months, at which time we became intimate. All of sudden, he claimed that he was the primary caretaker for seriously ill parents and he would not be available for a while.
I brought it for few weeks & then I shot off a nasty text stating he was full of it. I figured that would end it. He did not respond to the text but when Easter rolled around the following month, he sent greetings via text.
About a month later, he started calling me. I was not going to respond but I my uncle told me to hear him out. He didn't say anything except he wanted to see me. I said no and then changed my mind.
I was having minor surgery that would lay me up for a week. He called to check in but didn't come see me. He said he'd come see me every week for a month and never showed. I called to confront him, he didn't answer.
I was so angry that I sent a lengthy letter to his house telling him how I felt. He never responded. A month later I was stuck at the airport, still wondering if he got the letter so I called. By the time I got home, he showed up shortly. He claimed that things were moving too fast before and he just got out of a serious relationship.
He was engaged to a woman he had been involved with on/off for the 15 years. He cared for her deeply; felt she would’ve made a good wife, and that they would’ve had a nice life together. She had waited and put up with him for years. He felt he owed her marriage but claims he couldn't do it because he wasn't attracted to her. He did not desire her sexually. He also confessed his parents weren't as sick as he led me to believe.
He spent the night talking marriage, love, children, counseling, moving in and generally moving forward together. I didn't buy it but I kept an open mind but ultimately, he left again. I called to confront him, he hung up on me. So I figured that was it.
I started attending singles events. At one of the events I made a connection with someone new and was seriously getting my flirt on when Mr. marriage & children shows up. He breaks up my flirtation; I get upset and leave without speaking to him. He never reaches out (no call, letter, email, text, showing up on my doorstep, or smoke signal).
Another event was coming up and I asked friends & family if I should go. Everyone said yeah, I should not let him run me off. He was there again, comes over & to ask a number of pointless questions. I was short with him. He was taken aback and excused himself. He put me in a bad mood so socializing/flirting was out. I left.
It felt like there was more he wanted to say but didn't. I thought maybe I was too mean to him but then I thought, what was meaner than what he did me? I thought of calling to hash things out but reminded myself he lied, walked out, avoided me, & now he was making me uncomfortable at these events. He again did not reach out to me.
So about two weeks ago, another mixer comes along, I go and he's there. He says it’s always a pleasure to see me and tries to prod me into talking to him. I don't. He goes on to say that he noticed at the last event that I left 20 minutes after I spoke to him. He wanted to know if it had to do with him. I tell him I don’t know what to tell you but noted he must’ve been looking for me afterwards.
He starts talking how tired he is of these events (he’s been saying this from NYE 2011) and wants marriage, children and etc. He then invites me to go out with him & friends immediately after the event and I declined. He introduces me to one of his friends saying we know each intimately. I was mortified. I was there for 1 hour and he came over to me three times which I feel dissuaded anyone else with an interest. Feeling it was a waste of time between him coming over and his big mouth, I leave again.
The weekend passes, I'm still upset, look up his number & blast him via text. He calls and I don't answer. So Sunday its Easter again, I call him. No answer so I leave an awkward message pretty much saying if you want to talk let’s do this otherwise take care because I probably won't see you again. He texts me happy Easter. I text back saying bygones & happy Easter.
Admittedly, I still have feelings and I'm attracted to him but when men pump & dump, isn't it supposed to be a clean break? I never thought I would see or hear from him again. After I ran into him at the first event, I definitely did not think I would see him at the second one.
If you ply me with a couple of one night stands, avoid my phone calls/texts, and stand me up, why would you be anywhere I might be? Ok, say you want to go to this event despite my presence, why would you approach me after the way you behaved and my reaction to you? Mind you this is on top of him talking trash about how those singles events were beneath him.
I'd like to indulge that he was there for me. I did notice him looking at me from across the room a few times and I never caught him talking to other women. However, if that were the case, he has my number and knows where I live. He didn't reach out. Also, he left me over a year ago and we’ve been going to these singles events since September. When is he going to step up if it’s about me? That’s why I think it’s just coincidence and he’s just a douche.
The other thing is that this man is empirically & classically good looking. He has good manners, a good personality (when he’s not being a chicken), and a steady job. Of course he has drawbacks of being on the short side (5’7” or 5’8”), still lives at home and has flashes temper and/or potty mouth but nobody’s perfect. If he’s serious about making the ultimate commitment, how come year and half later he’s still trolling single events?
The first singles event was in September, the next one was in November, and the third was 2 weeks ago in March. That's 4 months between the second and third event. When I went to the third event, I knew there was a chance that I'd see him. I wanted to see him. I wanted to talk to him. If he hadn't hooked up and came to the event still showing an interest in me, I decided to hear him out. I swear if it could work, I'd jump at the opportunity. Unfortunately, my past relationships taught me rinsing and repeating is just that.
The way things work out between us (they really don't because I'm more confused than ever), I just don't understand. How come in all the time that has passed he hasn't figured out what to say? Why doesn't he say anything? Why does he keep coming toward me and then just stop? I'm not going to those events anymore. I've had enough. He's probably just looking for an easy lay. What do you think of this damn saga? Comments? Advice?
I don't think it matters whether he's consciously playing games or not. He is WAY too wishy-washy and unreliable to make you happy. If it's this confusing, difficult and misunderstanding-ridden already, I don't think it will get better from here. Nothing should be this much work, and this much discomfort and unhappiness.
We dated for two months, at which time we became intimate. All of sudden, he claimed that he was the primary caretaker for seriously ill parents and he would not be available for a while.
That this didn't come up in two months of dating should be a yellow caution flag for you.
Here's your answer....so don't waste your time pining for this guy:
Quote:
I'd like to indulge that he was there for me. I did notice him looking at me from across the room a few times and I never caught him talking to other women. However, if that were the case, he has my number and knows where I live. He didn't reach out.
I'm more focused on him having brief flashes of anger, potty mouth, and that he felt the need to disclose your sexual history with someone else. Really? Just look at those 3 things - oh, and the lies, let's don't forget those - and then you can wonder why you ever posted to begin with.
Quit listening to your relatives and anyone else with their 2 cents to throw in. Listen to your gut - it's been telling you all along he was bad news. But also quit responding. Dump his number, don't respond to texts, and when you see him at an event nod politely and move on. He's still living at home - is he 21 or older? If so, he's been at home too long.
Lose him. He doesn't know what he wants, and you keep playing into his hands by confronting him. Drama, drama, get gone, llama. You're looking desperate by continuing to give him chance after chance, and how he treats you now is a great indicator for the future, only it will be worse.
Why the hell are you still wasting your time with this guy? Move the hell on. Let me say this: If a man loves you, he will go to the end of the world just to be with you. If he loves you, he will switch heaven for hell just to be with you. He would forsake all others if you asked him to. Go listen to that song by Percy Sledge "When a Man loves a Women".
Gee, I was really hoping for more than one comment. Is mu op too long? Really needed to vent since my bestie is laid up with a broken knee.
Sorry, but the guy used you.
And, he hopes his charm will win you over when he see you at these meet ups and you guys 'hang out' again.
If I were you, I would avoid the guy completely. He pumps and dumps, and then hopes to do it again and again?
If you see him in public, just ignore him, his head is all messed up, and he lied to you. He has no idea what he is doing. But, since you two slept together, he knows there is an attraction there.
If he was serious about marriage and all that, why does he keep showing up to singles events? Does he NEVER date seriously? Im thinking: total player.
Oh Gawd, I had one of those. He's a complete narcissist and does these things to see your reaction, and if you look the least little bit upset, he'll feed off that. Do you guys live in a very small town that he keeps showing up at these events or is it more than chance? Either way, he's getting his jollies by running anyone else off even though he doesn't really want you all that bad himself. This is not about you--it's about him.
So, my advice? Go to these events and make a concerted effort to meet someone else. Do not react to him when he comes--stay as neutrally friendly as it's humanly possible to be and do not let him run you off. Don't show off for him either though--don't do the defiant "see how many men will talk to me" show. Just do whatever it takes and maybe a valium will help you get thru it too as long as you don't get so impaired that you go home with Narcissus. Good luck, you're going to need it and watch out for those superficially charming types from now on--you need a rock solid man with a work ethic. You do not need someone who bottom feeds from your feelings of dis-ease.
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You do not need someone who bottom feeds from your feelings of dis-ease.
