Am I just a pushover? Is she just playing games? (dating, boyfriend)

[jj4488]

We are both 29. We have a 20-month old son. We have been on and off for 1.5 years. We have 4 or 5 great days and then a big fight. I love her alot. The fights have continued.....but our good times are so great when we have them that we told each other we wanted to get married and have more kids, we even went and bought the engagement band 2 months ago (so recently). She said she was in love with me and me with her. I do EVERYTHING for her financially....I bought her a car only she drives, I buy her anything and everything. I am the classic pushover and have been from day 1. I'm weak mentally when it comes to that....especially with her.

The fights. For a long time, I made excuses as to why we had them. I thought it was the stress of my work, I thought maybe we didn't try hard enough, I thought maybe we held resentment. I would be irritable and angry for days at a time and she alot of times didn't know which "me" she would get on a given day. She has moved in with me and out several times. We both have thought maybe I needed to see someone....maybe get on some medication. I put that off for awhile when things started getting good again and when she didn't mention it, I figured she felt the same.

However, these outburts kept happening. She would want to stop dating and then I would start taking action to get her back. Everytime. She has said a few times she was done for good and then she would come back. Each time she said she believed me when I said I was better and wouldn't do these things anymore (even though I hadn't seen anyone). After one of the last fights, she then said she wouldn't see me until I was on medication and showing I was much better. I went to a psychiatrist and he put me on something about 10 days ago that has really helped. We had 4 great days that prior week (some 2 weeks ago) where we again talked about marriage, she wore the band around, etc. However, the day I went to the psychiatrist (meaning I hadn't been prescribed the medication yet), I had an outburst and she hasn't been back since.

I admitted to her I needed to make some changes. I needed help. I needed that medication. I told her I wanted to be with her, I wanted to be there for our son and us to be a family. I just wanted her assurance if I got better and I was back to normal that she would give it another chance (after all, she has been saying she has been in love with me this whole time and was wearing the band around 2 weeks prior). I figured....I am now doing everything she said I had to....yet she wouldn't even give me that assurance she will give it a chance when I get better. Matter of fact, she has said she won't.

The medication has helped alot. I feel normal and felt that way almost within days of starting it. However, yesterday I found out she started seeing a guy last week who is 3 years younger and I am sure won't want anything serious with a girl who has a child.....and that over the course of the last 8 months has been doing stuff with guys and sending nude pics to guys or sending pictures of my car saying it's hers to guys via her Blackberry and computer (both of which I bought her). I found out she lied to me about talking to exes. She did this while we were dating and even times when things were great. Of course, she was mad about how I found out.....but I bet it was more mad that she got caught.

I am a pushover. I am well-off and she isn't.....and I have bought her everything she has ever wanted. She is dependent on me to some degree financially. We regularly are out to expensive restaurants, cars, clothes, etc. etc. name it. She has hurt alot of trust after what I found out yesterday, but then I ask did I do something to cause that? Was it how I treated her sometimes? I never meant to hurt her....I needed to be on medication, I didn't know it was that bad. I didn't know I needed to take that drastic of a measure. What do I do? Do I play hardball and take away the car I let her use.....don't have contact with her except about our son, etc?

She is very manipulative and has always turned everything around on me. She lied about being on birth control (we only had been dating 2 weeks at time) which is how the pregnancy happened. She even dated another guy while pregnant. Who does that? However, we both agreed to put the past in the past.....you can't have a future otherwise.

[yankeegirl313]

I would hope that you could go back and read what you wrote here to us, and then, stop and think about it.
If someone else was telling you all of this, what advice would you give him? What would you really think about the entire situation?
My first response was..."Well...how can you possibly move forward and even TRY to make a family, when its been nothing but lies from the get go?"
It sounds like to me, that she is a manipulator. She uses your actions, to her advantage! Naturally, you get upset with her bad behaviour, and then she makes it out to be you...like, your the one who needs medication.
My advice? Do not get married! Stop spoiling her a$$, and stop letting her burrow, and use you.
I`m sorry to hear that there is a baby involved, but he/she is young enough yet, that they will adjust.
To answer your question...I think its a little of both.
Wake up, and think about your child. If she wants to continue to have BF`s, and contact ex`s, let her do it, without you, and your car, and free ride. Toughen up! Good luck!

[jj4488]

Thanks Yankee. Yes, she has definitely overblown the medication thing and I buy into it alot because I feel that will get her back. However, I definitely needed to be on something because of my irratibility, stress, etc. (but alot of people do....especially when I am nice enough to let her quit her job meaning my job is our sole source of income).

The times we had breaks in our relationship (normally only 1-2 weeks).....I sure as hell was not out talking to other girls, I was lovesick over her. However, her......she was out with guys. I have continually told her that if she has been with anyone even while we weren't together.....I didn't ever want to be with her. Maybe it's not cheating.....but I simply didn't want her if she was going to be with other guys while broken up. It's one thing if a guy and girl breakup for 6 months.....but a week or two? I don't think so.

I have never ONCE been hard with her....not ONCE. I have no doubt she thinks I am going to give in within a few days, even now. It's difficult.....I want to be with her but can't be if she is going to continue to do this. I felt playing hardball now is going to....at the very least.....see how it is without me (and I'm just some guy....I am the father of our baby). If she really loves me.....I feel she will come back and support me throughout my difficult time (with going on the medication and making some other life choices)....and realize she can't do the other stuff ever again.

I am going away on a trip for 2-3 weeks just to get away from everything. I need to live.

[cool rob]

Dude this whole relationship sounds too combustable (sp), slowly but surely you need to break away from her. Concentrate on getting your mental game strong for your daughters sake. Let that be the motivation to get yourself better. The longer you stay around her, (and vice versa) the more long term damage you are doing to your kid, yourself and her.

Stop, take a look back at the "good times" and ask yourself, where they really that good if she was cheating on you?

Also if you find yourself this way only around her, the common denominater to your problem is her. NOt work, stress or anything in between. Eliminate the problem (by leaving) and work your life back in to order, for you daughters sake.

[misplaced1]

What you do is get regular counseling, keep taking the meds if your Dr's say to and get your life together before you and this girl make this any more Jerry Springer for that child. Work on yourself, focus on being the best you can for the child (did you have a DNA test btw?) and worry about if the two of you can make it together last because as things stand neither of you are relationship material. That is the only conclusion I can come to from the post. I wish things were going better for all of you but they aren't and if things work out I think it will take some effort from both of you.

Your choice to provide for the woman or not but make sure you are providing support for the child every month either way if you are sure it's yours.

Buying things for a person doesn't fill the need for security, safety, and trust, in response to your last paragraph. Take a few steps back and look at what your relationship with her has been. It just sounds disfunctional from the beginning to me on both your ends. Sometimes work and time will help and sometimes it just wasn't meant to be. I'd have to know the other side of the story to make a better guess what you might do concerning the relationship.

[yankeegirl313]

Since she runs around so much, I hope you have had a paturnity test done with this baby, to be certain he/she is yours?
How much longer will you put up with this, running around with other guys, when she happens to get mad deal?
You need to seriously think about that, dude. Thats just something that I would put up with once, twice, he would be gone.

[jj4488]

Misplaced, yes, we got DNA testing.

My biggest issue.....why harp on me for so long about getting on something, seeing someone.....and then when I finally do it, you leave? Yeah, we had a fight the night I first saw the psychiatrist, but I hadn't started medication, did she think I would be suddenly cured without the medication?

Also....why date someone now if you love me? You wore that band around 2 weeks ago. Feelings don't change that fast.

She has said in the past she doesn't like admitting her feelings for me (like that she loves me, etc) because she feels it sets herself up to be let down by me.....or sets herself up to be hurt. I asked her this weekend if she loved me....if she misses me throughout all this....and she absolutely won't answer, she says she doesn't want to talk about it. She says she doesn't want to get my hopes up (meaning she must miss me or else how would not missing me get my hopes up).

You know what......in a desperate attempt 2 days ago.....I gave her $2,000 cash. When she lived with me the last time (3 mos ago), she quit her job because I asked her to ($10/hr job) and she proceeded to blow her entire savings ($2k) from then to now. I felt bad.....felt it was my fault she moved out recently because I wasn't on medication......and thus I gave her the $2k she had spent over the course of the last 3 months.

You know what? I find out she was emailing pics to this new guy an hour after she left my house trying on new clothes, asking him if she should buy it. She went right to the mall with my money asking this new guy if she should buy certain outfits.....with my money.

[jj4488]

Yankee, my question is this.....if she perceives me treating her badly, does that justify her doing this stuff with other guys?

Is it okay to be hanging with other guys days after you break up with a boyfriend when you know you likely will get back together.....just to hide behind that cloak of "well we weren't together when I did anything."

[yankeegirl313]

And....your on here asking us for advice?
Why?
I`m sorry, but do you want us to sympathize with you about her, or give you the cold hard facts? I think you can think about all of this, and come to the conclusion how silly, and how much of a pushover you are, with this immature girl, who obviously has no interest in you, or the baby, just too where too get laid next. Geezz us!

[blazejen]

I ache vicariously through you, man! Any way you can blow out of that popsicle stand?