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My current girlfriend has been my best friend for the past few years. There is a long story of of our relationship in the past years that I think may be important for this post. Here it goes, it may be long but I would appreciate the advice.
6 years ago, when I was 22, I dated a girl for 2 years. I'll call her girl B. It lasted about a year too long. During this relationship I met this other girl, girl A. She was dating a guy that is was an acquaintance of mine. I was very attracted to her and spoke when we were all out. Her boyfriend became abusive to her, physically and emotionally. I saw him hit her a few times and I immediately became her protector. I broke up with girl B and soon became close to girl A. She also broke up with her abusive boyfriend. But, both girls also became friends. I moved away and went off to the army. Girl A was one of the few people that kept contact with me. We would talk multiple times weekly. She was also getting to be good friends with my ex, girl B. Girl A would always be excited to see me when I came home on leave. She would always make time for me no matter what she was doing and even come to the airport to pick me up. Well the time came when I had to deploy overseas. She was the only friend that kept in touch with me. We would facebook, send emails, skype, or gchat a couple times a week. We became very, very close. We started to get to know eachother on a personal and emotional level. She became my best friend! I finally returned home from overseas for good and was on my post deployment leave back with my friends and family. We were all out one night and we were being very flirty as usual. She pulled me outside and asked me what I thought of her. I told that she is my best friend and I want her to be more than that. Unfortunately, I lived across the country and knew that now wasn't the time to pursue anything. During the rest of the month we would cuddle at night and we would spoon through the night. We did kiss once, but she said she felt guilty because of her friendship with my ex, girl B. But we still continued to flirt and cuddle. It was almost as if we were in a relationship, minus the physical factor. A year later, I got out of the army and moved back. I lived near her, and we grew even closer. We started felling the strong emotional connection even more now that we were physically in eachothers lives. We started kissing again. But, we stopped because my ex, girl B was now planning on moving back and moving in with girl A. I'm obviously not happy about this. We decide before B moves back we need to tell her that girl A and I have feelings for eachother and want to pursue a relationship. I called up B, who I'm still somewhat friends with, and tell her. She gets pissed and * * * * * es out girl A and tells her shes a * * * * ty friend for going behind her back and she is not moving back anymore. Girls A and B are still friends to this day, but not as close and it almost seems like a fake friendship. Anyways, girl A is mad at me and we don't talk for a week but she gets over it and misses me. So we start to pursue a relationship. We start being physical, and we are very comfortable with everything. Everything is perfect....for two weeks. I can tell something is different so I asked her. Since we are such close friends its very easy for us to communicate. She tells me she thinks her feelings aren't where mine are. She doesn't have the romantic feelings for me that I have for her. I didn't believe it and thought she was making up excuses because she was scared. I wrote her a letter and of what I thought. I thought she was scared of commitment because she has been very hurt in the past by every guy. I thought she was thinking I was going to eventually hurt her. I was crushed by this, and stopped all communication with her, with my best friend. It was so hard. We would see eachother on the weekends because we have the same group of friends, but I never really paid any attention to her. A month later she saw me and said she needed to talk to me and had a lot to say. We went out to dinner the next day and she basically said he wanted to be my girlfriend. That before she wasn't fully invested in our relationship, but she is ready now and she missed me so much. That was about a month ago. Everything was perfect. We are both extremely happy. We are perfect for eachother and we both think that.
Here's the problem. We haven't had sex in a week. I asked her what was going on. She said that she doesn't have sexual drive right now and she doesn't know why. She said she feels like she should want to have sex with me all the time because we are in this new relationship. (even though it is a "new" relationship we are way past the get to know you phase since we have been best friends for years.) She said she was always affectionate with other guys but for some reason she doesn't feel that way with me. She doesn't feel that passion.
Obviously, that hurt to feel that. Can she not get over the friendship hump? Can she not get over the fact that she lost a close friends for me? She is 24 about to get her masters, working and doing work with school. Is she stress, or is it a period in her life where she feels she doesn't need sex? Are we not right for eachother? I don't know what going on and neither does she. So I have no answers and I need some advice. The physical part of the relationship isn't the most important, I know that. It is however something a relationship needs. Everything else between us is absolutely perfect and she told me that too. I'm just confused right now and don't understand. She wants to still be with me. Is she just in a funk? Thank your for reading this long story. I'm frustrated and confused with what she said the other night. I care about her so much. Thank you for your input guys.
This sounds exactly like my old relationship. I think you are thinking too hard into. What is happening is that she is confused. She likes you one week, but not the next. This could be caused by a few things so there is no real way to prevent it.
Basically I would say she is a "flavor of the month" kind of girl right now. It sounds like she really doesn't know what she wants. If I were you, I would steer clear of her, but I know that is always easier said than done. The ex that did this to me ended up cheating on me and I was incredibly heartbroken. It took me a year or two to get over it, if I even am yet...
If everything else with the relationship is fine and she just hasn't desired sex for the past week, I'd give it more time. I don't think a week is a terribly long time for her to not be in the mood. If it goes on for another week and she still feels very confused and does not desire you physically, then it's time to look more deeply for the root of the problem. Sounds to me as though she may just be stressed from school and work and is a little overwhelmed by the possibility of falling in love, too. IMHO, you should give it a little more time before you worry about it too much.
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I'm not saying no sex for a week is the problem, but more so that she doesn't feel the passion when we have sex. I don't know if that is because she is having a hard time transitioning from friends to a relationship. I have a problem with over thinking situations, which ends up making it worse.
I feel you. It could be a problem with how she feels for you, but you can fix that very easily by making her more comfortable with the physical side of your relationship. And I mean all out with candles and romantic quotes or whatever it is she likes.
Give it time. But even after that if it doesn't work, you're going to have to accept the fact that maybe she still is more comfortable with you as a friend rather than a lover.
I think she is saying you look good on paper but not in practice. I don't mean to say you are fake. But sometimes a person can intellectually appreciate you but don't feel the corresponding emotional pull. You would probably do anything in the world for her and rationally she thinks she should be really into you. Yet, physical attraction is tricky and a lot of times it's completely irrational.
I'd say she likes you but obviously she is not feeling more than that, maybe it's just attachment, guilt or comfort. I'd wait it out but realize that chances are she will meet someone sooner than later that does give her that spark. Look at the bottomline: You've been involved with her for over a year and barely kissed? There is simply no passion there.
"She wants to still be with me". Words spoken by a man feeling guilt for doing something wrong like cheating. Don't you think you deserve more/better? Deserve someone head over heels into you?
Some guys can't be their lover until he's their friend first. It's how she finds out what all the other twits are missing.
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