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I am hoping for confirmation or correction on how I should read some current actions and signals from my fiance.
We have known each other for nearly two years, and have been active in planning our wedding since we got engaged. However, over the last couple weeks, I have been feeling more and more disconnected with her. I am not sure if she is just stressed out, or starting to have second thoughts, or what is going on.
It started about two weeks ago. Two nights in a row, she sort of rejected my advances to be intimate with her. We had not been intimate in about a week before that (which is not overly unusual at times, due to our work schedules and such). However, we had the time and opportunity, and she was passionate enough to kiss and get excited, but then just sort of shut down. Her reasoning after was that she felt too shameful before God and did not want to continue that intimacy until after we were married (which she has a strong faith, but that has not stopped her from initiating intimacy many times before).
So of course, I felt a little rejected and hurt over it, but decided to respect her wishes if she felt that compelled through her faith.
After that, I felt she had distanced herself a little. Our personal time, which is limited because she has a daughter, suddenly disappeared altogether. Last weekend one evening, and then two days later, we had opportunities to do something together (something fun, or talk, or whatever) and she invited me over, and then basically ignored me while she immersed herself in chores. Plus, over the last few weeks, if it isn't chores, she invites me over or suggests we do things, then disappears to do wedding things. (Look at dresses online, etc).
Another thing lately is that she has expressed a regret that she has not spent much time with her good friend lately. So on July 4th, we had planned to spend the day together since we had not had much personal time either, but she arranged to hang out with her friend. Also, she insisted I hang out with them. I pressed her to go alone, knowing two things. One, it would be all wedding talk. Two, she has regretted not having time with her friend. She insisted on me going, and then again yesterday was complaining about not having been able to spend time with her.
In another instance a few weeks ago, I was scheduled to work a Saturday, and we had planned to go out to dinner afterwards. About 2 that afternoon, she sends me a text message asking me if it is ok if she goes to a lawn fete with her friend for dinner, but I could come. I felt stood up at this point, since we had already solidified plans and she basically was cancelling at the last moment, but in light of the plans would welcome me into her new plans with someone else.
Finally, while talking yesterday, she felt it necessary to stress that when we are married, things will be different. She will want to go off and read, or do things.
Basically, I felt she was painting me a picture of our married life being lived as two roomates off doing their own thing. Co habitating, but not really married.
Until she became consumed with wedding planning, she had none of these complaints. (and she is consumed/obsessed, with 8 months to go, she has been going non stop at it, and has a majority of the major stuff already done)
So I do not know if I should be reading things as negative signs. That she is tiring of the relationship? Or if it is a sign she has spent too much of her time on our wedding which is causing her to feel starved of the personal activities she used to do with that time?
I just feel concerned. For the first time, the passion and love that I have felt from her seems to have changed. Instead, I am feeling like she is telling me in code that she does not value our personal time, because she is drifting away from making personal time for the two of us and at the same time expressing a dislike for not having more time on her own.
My sympathies to you I'm sorry as I don't really have any practical advice to offer based on my own lack of experience, but I do truly hope that things work out between you both, and that she can re-kindle the love she once felt for you that now seems to be lacking somehow
I am not really sure where she is. There are moments when her love seems clear. She will still go and do very sweet and caring things, but the next instance she seems removed or something.
On the one hand, if your intimate relationship is giving her the guilts with respect to her religious beliefs, then she may feel you don't share the same beliefs. That can cause some concerns from her- and rightly so. Maybe the two of you aren't compatible in that area and maybe it's more important to her then you realize.
Another thought may be she is all over with the initial joy of the engagement and is settling down in her mind thinking more long term of the marriage. She may even be questioning herself if this is the right thing to do. I did the same thing and broke off our engagement a couple of times. For me it was the idea of so much change. Or maybe she wonders what type of a father you will be to her kid. Mothers are more protective, generally speaking.
She may even have some mild issues with obsessive/compulsive or depression behaviors. That's not unusual either and now that the relationship is evening out, those are coming out.
Welcome to the wedding game.
I might suggest a couple of things. First, take her best friend out for coffee and discretely share your concerns. Don't go too deep into it as you also need to presume as her best friend anything you say will be passed along and held against you. Second, maybe broach some of your concerns very carefully with her. Do it very gently and ask if it's you (it could be, you know) or maybe ask her if she's having some pre marriage anxiety... Communication is the key element in a healthy marriage.
I am not really sure where she is. There are moments when her love seems clear. She will still go and do very sweet and caring things, but the next instance she seems removed or something.
I'm glad to hear that she is still kind and loving at times!
Is she having any sort of professional or work-related challenges at the moment, that could be potentially causing her any distractions at all? Or any sort of outside or external interference, that could potentially be sapping her spirit or energy, away from being more loving to you as she has been, in the past?
It is hard for me to read her feelings with her faith. She has initiated things more often then not. Maybe she is fighting an internal battle over it.
We have spoken a lot about the long term, and she has always been very positive and realistic about things. It just seems of late, the tone has changed to something less than positive. It is difficult for me to read.
Other than the stress she is putting herself under for wedding preparation, she does have a big outside stress. She co-owns a 2 unit apartment building with her ex, that must be sold per the divorce agreement but has proven impossible to sell. She has been granted full control, since the loan for the building is all in her name. She is having to evict tennants, then do some work. I know it is (and has been) a point of stress, made worse because she hides from dealing with it until things blow up. I do know this saps fun out of her at times.
It's hard to say. Yes, she could be distancing herself. Anything is possible. But from your descriptions, this woman has more than enough stress to drive anyone crazy. From the wedding planning to being a single mother to the stress over evicting tenants from the apartment building... I can see why she would be going a little crazy.
It's also hard to tell whether she's sick of you, or whether she just needs some personal space. Everyone needs personal time. When life gets stressful (apartment, daughter, etc), that will reduce her available time. Yes, seeing you is a priority too, but if she isn't getting the needed down time every day just to fart around on the internet or whatever, then she may feel antsy and not enjoy anything.
I would sit down with her and talk about your feelings. Tell her you're feeling concerned that she's pushing you away. Tell her that you want to spend time with her and want to make sure the two of you are a priority too. Don't let this build up. Address it now while it's still a small thing. You might also offer to postpone the wedding. Tell her you're getting the message that maybe she isn't ready for this (if that's how you feel.) I think it's easier to delay the wedding until both partners are in a good place, rather than get married too soon and deal with a divorce or annulment.
You've provided a very detailed account and the overarching theme is that she wants space. This might not necessarily be a wedding deal-breaker, but in my opinion if it continues throughout the marriage, it will end in divorce.
The biggest commitment of one's life is marriage. It may have dawned on her that if you're suffocating her now, then it will be 10 times worse during marriage. Do you think that you are very attentive to her needs? Do you value spending time with her over everything else in your life? All of her changing plans, flaking on you, including other people is a clear sign that she feels that her time is more valuable than yours.
This should be a time of excitement and growth for you, her and your relationship together. Do you feel like it's actually more of settling down and becoming united? Because personally, I DON'T want marriage to be an act of "settling".
It's scary that she's already setting rules in marraige. Things will be different? That is not something I would want to hear.
The ONE thing you have not done is ASK HER. TALK to her about your feelings, express your concerns. COMMUNICATE.
You really need to talk with her. I think you might have to tell her you have some serious issues that need to be discussed with her and to please set aside some time - alone and without interruption - and let you know. You've expressed your feelings well here, so don't change when you talk with her.
Start off with this "I feel she is trying to distance herself" - the general overview. Keep your statements to "I feel..." These are no blame statements. It is your feelings and there is no debate - it paves the way for her to ask why and you can then explain with: "because she is drifting away from making personal time for the two of us and at the same time expressing a dislike for not having more time on her own."
Quote:
Originally Posted by Checkered24
Two nights in a row, she sort of rejected my advances to be intimate with her. We had not been intimate in about a week before that (which is not overly unusual at times, due to our work schedules and such). However, we had the time and opportunity, and she was passionate enough to kiss and get excited, but then just sort of shut down.
So of course, I felt a little rejected and hurt over it,
Then discuss this^^ in just this way. Explain you can understand but you need to know IF this is the case.
Quote:
Originally Posted by h886
I would sit down with her and talk about your feelings. Tell her you're feeling concerned that she's pushing you away. Tell her that you want to spend time with her and want to make sure the two of you are a priority too. Don't let this build up. Address it now while it's still a small thing. You might also offer to postpone the wedding. Tell her you're getting the message that maybe she isn't ready for this (if that's how you feel.) I think it's easier to delay the wedding until both partners are in a good place, rather than get married too soon and deal with a divorce or annulment.
^^ Exactly.
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I'm sorry as I don't really have any practical advice to offer based on my own lack of experience, but I do truly hope that things work out between you both, and that she can re-kindle the love she once felt for you that now seems to be lacking somehow 
Or any sort of outside or external interference, that could potentially be sapping her spirit or energy, away from being more loving to you as she has been, in the past?
