I want to move to Portland (lease, credit check, house)

[Want2move2Portland]

Hey guys. I want to move to Portland. I have no job skills at all, but feel moving to your city will magically turn me into an employable human being. I feel like all of my personal problems will be eliminated as soon as I cross into Oregon airspace like magic. I'm looking to rent a 7000 square foot house in the Pearl for under $500/ month. I have $1500 in savings and have 7 kids. My husband and I's marriage is a total trainwreck, but feel that moving to Portland will make our problems disappear since people ride their bikes a lot, drink beer, and there are green mountains.

Anyway, I'm looking to make $150,000/year as an artist/graphic designer/waiter/hair stylist/animation guru. My husband is a brew master and from what I hear, Portland doesn't have enough breweries, so he'll easily find work starting his own brewery: the competition should be minimal.

What are you thoughts?

[christiner81]

I've got a place in the Pearl I can rent you, no problem. It's at the top of your budget but it's twice as big as you're looking for. Send me your CC number and I'll get your lease all set.

[sezzam]

Originally Posted by Want2move2Portland

...
What are you thoughts?

I think you are exactly what Portland has been looking for.

[Steve Pickering]

Not even funny in the vain it was meant. We all understand there really are dreamers like this, so why waste forum space?

[AndyAMG]

I like you. So I'm going to help you.

Here is what you do.

You get a job in a factory part time and then you fall off of something, try to hit something hard to make your injury convincing, but not too hard you don't actually want to be hurt forever. If you're lucky it might just happen by circumstance and you can milk an actual minor injury. Complain constantly about back pain and neck pain and get yourself some back and wrist braces. Wait a few months then go to get a physical and tell them that the pain is unbearable, if the doctor is enough of a sucker you might get opiates on the states dime. Then visit a mental health advocacy outfit of some sort, tell them you hear voices, and you went through trauma as a child and that you believe you have PTSD... you don't even have to serve in the military now to claim you have PTSD. Claim workman comp because lets face you are unemployable and have at this point convinced yourself of your BS ailments/problems.

Make sure you mumble to yourself and and act awkward... also grab your back and tell people to help you open things. It really sells the whole thing.

Now that you have been officially deemed unemployable, sit back and enjoy your subsidized housing, SNAP, TANF and Obama cellphone. Remember you have to show up to work source to pretend that your looking for a job. You may even have to go to an interview or two but, I mean its a small price to pay. Eventually you might have to get a part time job, but don't really worry, remember you are crippled and are a victim and you wont have to do anything all that difficult. Inevitably, you'll be let go because you show up late and suck at performing the most menial tasks ever, but it's okay because uncle Sam and Kitzy will catch you in their safety net.

That's what my brother in laws brother does for a living.

The deal got even sweeter when he met an older woman (hes 23, shes 37, give me a break) who gets money from the state to take care of her elderly disabled mother. That sounds like alot of work but remember you don't actually have any obligation to take care of the mother, just use her checks to buy some insure, and buy her some adult diapers and make sure shes alive. After that you can go to Seattle and spend $113 dollars on a dinner at Salty's while you left momma at home all alone for 3 days. but as long as shes ok when you get back you can keep doing it. Just remember to clean up and hide your bongs when the social worker comes.

Then claim the income from all of your i'll gotten gains on your credit check and drive away in a 05 Escalade on 20s for only $500 a month.

From there the sky is the limit.

I see your Troll and I raise you one!

No but this is a true story, that's the sad part.

[HappyFreak99]

Are you that bored that you just come on here to make a fake post?

[NickyBilly]

You sound like a lot of Portlanders enamored with the Pearl.

[xtimx]

This post was so good and sadly not that far off from lots of serious posts.

[toolivealil]

@ AndyAMG that was soooo funny! I havent laughed for two days, thanks.