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Many people say "My house, my rules." I don't disagree that a child living rent free in their parents home can be subject to their parents rules. My question to you all is:
Don't you have an obligation to make those rules developmentally appropriate for an adult?
Parents should not seek to control the behavior of their adult children. If the behavior of the adult children is not acceptable to the parents then the parents are well within their rights to ask the children to leave the home, or refrain from the offending behavior.
I am more concerned about imposing curfews on adult children or having them ask permission to leave the home. That just seems like to much control for parents to have when the kids are adults. I do understand requiring the kids to participate in the household chores, and contribute financially to the household in some way. I also understand not wanting wild parties and exposing younger kids to inappropriate behavior. But the other stuff seems out of control to me.
It sounds like you've raised a very responsible woman. I think the room sounds perfect for her. If I were in your situation, I'd just make sure that she knows what your expectations are. As long as she understands them and agrees to follow them, it sounds like a great situation. It IS your house however and you have the right to take away certain priviledges if she can't follow the rules. Give her a chance. You may be surprised at how well you've raised her.
She is an adult. I agree with who said make like apartment rules. Is she going to be living there rent free and eating the food you buy? If so, then she should pitch in with house chores.
Why exactly is she still living with you? I would just have a talk with her. Both you and your husband. Acknowledge that she is an adult, but this is your house, so your rules. Explain to her that you realize that she is an adult, has independence, but that if she has a huge problem with the house rules, she needs to find her own apartment and you will both help in any way she needs. (If she does want to move out, then make sure she knows that 'her room' will always be there for visits.) Make sure she knows you still want her there and are not kicking her out, but that you have your own ethics and morals to uphold, as well as needing to continue teaching them to her brothers.
Being the oldest, it does make sense to give her the 2nd master bedroom. First, would you want your teens to have direct access to outside? I think that is more important threat. Second, she will be the first to leave the nest and her bedroom would make an excellent guestroom.
She has never had a problem with house rules etc.
She often has friends that don't text her till about 11pm to tell her about their already in progress plans, which she loves to jump at and go on a moments notice. Which a lot of the times she doesn't get to go and its her choice in that not mine. Recently she texted me from her room the other night. So and so wants me to come to his house, he is throwing a party, it was about 1am, I was asleep and didn't get the text till that next morning, so she didn't go, she said she didn't want to wake us up.
I guess I don't consider it sneaking out more like just leaving whenever and the door enables her to do so without disturbing us.
I know she would text me and let me know she was leaving if she knew I was awake but I don't think she would text me if I was asleep or anything. I may just make up a note system and ask her to just put a note on her door if she has left.
I don't mind her drinking. I would rather her get a ride home from a friend who was sober than stay out all night though besides she never drinks so much that her judgment would be impaired. She only has a few drinks and calls it quits.
And if I don't know she has a boyfriend over then I don't see the harm. If I cant hear and I can't tell then fine by me.
As for the teenagers having the access outside. I only have one other child and he is 15 going on 16 in July. I don't really worry about him. He is much different from his sister, he is not a very social person like she is. He doesn't drive, neither do his friends and plus the house sits on 9.66 acres of land, slightly outside city limits, not the easiest of access.
And after she moves out we are going to repaint the room and give it to her brother to use, which he'll be about maybe 17 or 18 when this happens.
If I were in this position I think what I would say is this:
#1 Establish minimum standards of "clean" for the room especially since she has a private bathroom .. always an issue for my kids, not necessarily yours.
#2 Discuss keeping the door locked at all times.
#3 Don't have overnight guests.
#4 Basic chore list--dishwasher emptied nightly or daily, ect. A couple of basic chores OR pay a minimum rent.
If I were in this position I think what I would say is this:
#1 Establish minimum standards of "clean" for the room especially since she has a private bathroom .. always an issue for my kids, not necessarily yours.
#2 Discuss keeping the door locked at all times.
#3 Don't have overnight guests.
#4 Basic chore list--dishwasher emptied nightly or daily, ect. A couple of basic chores OR pay a minimum rent.
Good Luck!!
All but #3 is fine...
She is ALLOWED to have friends spend the night. Just I would never intentionally let her have a boyfriend spend the night.
I think its crazy that once your kid is an adult that suddenly all of the values and morals you have shouldn't matter. Just because your kids turns 18 does not mean I have to let them do things in my house that I find morally wrong or go against my values. If my 18 year old wants to drink and have sex with many women then he can find another place to live.
It says a lot about a person who will discard their beliefs to simply adapt to society or their kids.
Lots of people don't share your "values and morals", and many of them happen to be parents. A lot of people somehow don't seem to get that.
I drink.
If my daughter wants to drink at home I am fine with that. (Legal in my state.)
If my daughter wants to drink outside the house and risk getting caught by the police and screwing up her chances of becoming a law enforcement officer, that is fine by me it is her life. I know she wouldn't screw that up, so when she turns 21 and comes home after drinking, I don't care as long as she is home safe.
If my daughter is off having sex with multiple men, I will of course say something to her but I would not kick her out.
I know my daughter, I know she isn't having sex with multiple men and I know she would only have sex with someone if she was in a relationship with them.
I don't care if she is having sex with a boyfriend, as long as it isn't in my home where I can hear it.
I have no need to worry about those things.
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