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I am not going to comment on the situation as a whole, but I just want to say that Online is pretty much the only place job postings exist these days. Take a look through your local papers classified ads on a weekday and you will see job postings are just about non-existent...
I also want to say that who cares how late she sleeps if there is no job? Its not like there is any advantage to waking up early if you dont have a job... You spend a couple hours a day looking/applying and thats that. Makes no difference if its at 9 AM or 1 PM. I also think that playing games/watching TV is actually fairly responsible rather then going out and spending money she doesnt have while unemployed...
Just my 2 cents.
If someone has that much time on their hands after applying for jobs, they can go do volunteer work, which will look much better on a resume than playing video games.
If someone has that much time on their hands after applying for jobs, they can go do volunteer work, which will look much better on a resume than playing video games.
Getting up, having a schedule and looking for work during regular working hours certainly increase one's chances for success....And absolutely about the volunteer hours. Not only does it look good but the more people you meet and the more people who see a person with a good work ethic - even for unpaid work - also increase your chances at finding work. It's frequently your connections who help when you are looking for work. The more connections you have the better your chances.
I do think it is wrong to do a sudden about-face on your kid, just because you've had enough of the consequences of how you raised her. And I think you will regret it later, because throwing her out onto the street all of a sudden is effectively disowning her. You will sever that relationship forever, and I think you will regret it later, after you and your wife have calmed down.
I think a more effective approach would be similar to what plaidmom says: make her pay rent. Write up a lease, a simple one, outlining rent and house rules (no drugs or criminal activity, quiet hours, chores, et cetera). Include specifics about what happens if she doesn't do these things: within 30 days of not paying rent or violating a house rule, her belongings will be removed from the premises and placed in storage, and the house locks will be changed. She can have her belongings back when she pays the back rent and the cost of the storage unit and the locksmith. The rules need to be pretty similar to what a 'real' lease would say. Chances are, she'll realize pretty quickly that if she's going to have to pay rent, she may as well have her own digs.
You also need to own up to your own mistakes and ignorance. She ISN'T LYING when she says every job application is online nowadays. E.v.e.r.y.o.n.e. does it this way. It sounds like you haven't done a job search in about a decade if you don't believe this. If you don't believe me, drag your daughter around for a day to places you think she should apply, and you will see what a futile effort it is. No one accepts in-person applications, and no one will conduct an interview on the spot just because you show up. Not only is there zero effectiveness in going in person, but the travel time wastes precious application time. She can apply to a dozen jobs a day from her computer, but maybe only 1/3 that if she goes in person. So not all of this is your daughter's fault. Some of this is on you.
You might consider writing into the rules that if she's not working she must volunteer. But really do your homework on this one. MOST places these days seem to require a long-term commitment. They make the volunteer sign an agreement that they will work 3x/week for at least 20 hours for the next six months. If your daughter's looking for a job, genuinely, she can't honestly make such an agreement. So make sure you aren't shooting yourself in the foot with this requirement.
I don't have much to offer in the way of advice but I just wanted to comment that no not every business does their applications online. Most offer it both ways but in my DD's job search only one place strictly took online apps only.
Even my DH who is in professional management went down personally to several companies to submit his resume when he was looking for work a couple years ago. Out of his online and personal resumes he got the most calls from him going down personally.
I have a friend who is bipolar so I understand some of the frustration. If possible I would seek professional help in effectively dealing with her. My friend didn't do too well when she lived by herself however when she did live at home (she is married now) she was far more respectful and disciplined than your daughter sounds... Her parents just had to watch for signs her medication wasn't working and guide her a bit in stressful situations.
Personally I agree with the others if she stays at home rules need to be clearly defined and I would work with her to develop a schedule she needs to stick to such getting up at X time, applying for jobs, cleaning your house (no reason for it to not be spotless, she can also do laundry and cook too).
I think volunteering is good. Unless you live in some small little town trust me there are organizations out there who would be more than willing to have her help even if it's only a few weeks. In fact even once she has a job I still think it would be good thing for her to stick with. She can start with the United Way or larger churches to see what kind of opportunities are out there.
Either way you go you will have to both be on the same page and committed to your plan. Sometimes it seems easier to just let things slide rather than confront her.
My own daughter wasted 2 years after her BA and came home unable to find a job. We were at each other's throats constantly and we had two younger kids in the picture too.
Daughter was depressed, critical and lord I wanted to strangle her almost every day. We made up plans, set dates, etc and they came and went with the recession making it seem impossible. Finally one night we had a huge blow up and I told her to get out of the house and stay out until she was willing to abide by our rules.
She screamed to her DaD that Mama was kicking her out and shouldn't he have some say in that.
To which he responded: If you think I'm going to chose you over my wife you are truly not in touch with reality. He handed her a $20 bill and told her to make sure she had enough gas in her car to get whever she was going and to stay in touch. She walked out the door and we knew she would be at her BF's apt.
Finally after a week of e mailing back and forth we were able to clear the air and she came home with a new attitude. But we had to be strong and diligent. That was 5 years ago and things are great now but it was a real hard patch for all of us for quite some time.
To add to my thoughts above about applying online: you might want to include in house rules that she keeps a log book of every employer to whom she is applying. Similar to what the unemployment office requires for those receiving benefits. The unemployment office requires a minimum of 2 bona fide contacts per week. That's a bit low, IMO. On average it should be higher if she really wants a job, although there may be some weeks were a person only applies to two jobs and others where they apply to a dozen or more. Whatever the details, point is, you might want to consider quantifying what you mean by a job search.
It's been about six months so I thought I'd give an update.
Things got worse before they got better. She and I had two huge blowouts a few days apart. I, too had had enough.
Luckily she found a part time job and she moved in with her best friend about 15 miles away. Mom and I paid her first months rent but it was worth it to end the drama. We helped her move and she left on positive terms. She put her car and the insurance in her name which was the last financial tie we had with her.
She is still on our health insurance but pays her copays. We agreed to pay for her meds because they are hugely expensive, even with insurance, and she would crash and burn without them. Lately, though she has some medical issues and we agreed to pay fo the copays related to those tests.
She is starting college back up and this time paying for it herself. It will be interesting to see how this works out. She complained about the $300 textbook required. When I was paying the bills she didn't give a crap how much things cost.
The loser boyfriend is gone, and she is working full time hours although no benefits-at $9/hour.
The best news is mom has finally let go. Mom recognizes that our daughter is responsible for her own decisons and her own drama. There have been a few times when I thought mom would swoop in to save the day but she hasn't.
Thanks for all the advice. I also now realize that most apps are online now. That is simply the way it is done.
I have an older daughter who I didn't have to kick out, but she did go through a rough patch as a young adult just starting out. She's a very responsible adult with a family and home of her own.
Just a suggestion: Give her two weeks to get a job and find a place to live. If she doesn't, put her things out. She WILL find a place to live. She's an adult and needs to know you expect her to behave like one and take responsibility for her life.
She doesn't hold a job because she doesn't have to. She doesn't keep an apartment because she doesn't have to. If she HAD to, she would HAVE to find a way.
Remember her choices are HER choices. She cannot blame anything on you and her mother since she IS an adult. You have paid the price to live in peace and in your home without the drama and added expense. You grew up. It's time your daughter does.
As difficult as it will be, she needs more of a hint to find her own way. You owe her love, but not life at this point. She should be maintaining her own by now.
She'll be ok. If she isn't, it's by her choice. Harsh, but true.
Mother birds push their little babies out of the nest and they either learn to fly or fall. Once she learns there are consequences to her choices, she will learn and make better ones, but as long as she uses that safety net, she won't take the responsibility of living on her own and staying on her own. So she loses a job and her apartment. Have her over for dinner and discuss it with her maybe, but I wouldn't take her in every time she wants to act like an irresponsible teen.
Um how is anyone going to get a place with no money?
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