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I have to balance the fact that my kids really like to play with their cousins, and the fact that my wife doesn't feel as strongly. Not sure unilaterally forbidding something is really something I should do. But sure if I wore the same black and white glasses you do ...
Here's the thing. Someone is taking advantage of you. You have control over the situation. If there is a reason to let them continue then you simply have to deal with the irritation. If there is not a reason then you have to make it stop. Nobody is going to be able to do it for you.
It's really is a black and white issue. If you feel that asking (forbidding????) your wife to stop allowing it to continue is not the right thing to do then it just may be something you need to learn to accept. If that's the case then just accept it.
It took me a long time and a lot of talking to a therapist and my family doctor to come to terms with the fact that IT IS OK to cut off people - yes, even relatives - who are hurtful or negative. There are people in this world who make you feel like you can do anything, and there are others who make you stagnate and circle around and around, keeping you from growing. Unfortunately, we can't choose the kind of families we or our spouses are born into, but we do have the power to choose who we want in our lives once we're grown-up enough to become independent individuals.
And yes, I was struck by the sex offender bit as well. Why the h e double-hocky sticks would any parent in their right mind allow their children to hang around a sex offender?
It took me a long time and a lot of talking to a therapist and my family doctor to come to terms with the fact that IT IS OK to cut off people - yes, even relatives - who are hurtful or negative. There are people in this world who make you feel like you can do anything, and there are others who make you stagnate and circle around and around, keeping you from growing. Unfortunately, we can't choose the kind of families we or our spouses are born into, but we do have the power to choose who we want in our lives once we're grown-up enough to become independent individuals.
And yes, I was struck by the sex offender bit as well. Why the h e double-hocky sticks would any parent in their right mind allow their children to hang around a sex offender?
I don't let them be around the sex offender. The sex offender is my BIL's dad, who lives about 80 miles away. Still he has been around at times, so I always ensure he will not be there if my kids are going to be anywhere near.
I don't let them be around the sex offender. The sex offender is my BIL's dad, who lives about 80 miles away. Still he has been around at times, so I always ensure he will not be there if my kids are going to be anywhere near.
Glad to hear it. There are so many sex offenders that are not even on the "radar" so if this guy has been convicted of this, imagine how many people he's victimized. Not to get into crime and punishment, but IMHO, there are very few people who are "cured" of this deviant-like behavior. There is a BIG difference between being convicted of a sex crime if you're 19 and having sex with your 17 year old girlfriend and someone who goes after young kids. Those people shouldn't be allowed into society ever again, but since they are, everyone (including family) needs to treat them like they've got the plague (and I suppose they have).
Glad to hear it. ... Those people shouldn't be allowed into society ever again, but since they are, everyone (including family) needs to treat them like they've got the plague (and I suppose they have).
They are still at it. The husband's grandmother died a few days ago. The funeral is on Saturday. So they asked us to watch their kids. Although I would choose to bring my kids to a funeral like that, I can see that request as legitimate.
But then they asked my wife (they made the arrangments with her), "you wouldn't mind if we got together with friends afterwards, would you?" (unrelated to the funeral). My condolences about his grandmother, but it sure seems like that should be a family day, not a "friends day," to me. I guess since she said yes, we will end up watching the kids from 10 a.m. to midnight or whenever on Saturday.
But here's the kicker. They bought two plane tickets to Hawaii with their tax refund. So in August, they plan on being gone for 11 days in Hawaii. Really, who leaves kids ages 1, 5, and 8 for 11 days?
They never really asked if we could. So my wife's parents are going to enable them and will be watching their kids for a week and a half. I might allow them to stay at our house for one of the weekends. My wife wants to, so I do have to listen to what she wants.
I would do what you said last time, and offer to take the older two for some of the time, but draw the line on the one year old. I do that often with my nieces and nephews.... do it on your terms, not on theirs.
And no, I can't imagine leaving my one year old for a day, 11 days is outrageous. Do they ever take their kids on vacation with them?
I have a lot of neighbors who seem to take this attitude as well. They think they DESERVE weekends away, time to themselves, time with friends to go gambling/drinking, and usually this means relatives step in to babysit. I'm talking about people with babies and toddlers, not bigger kids.
One day I was feeling sorry for myself, thinking about how I've had not a day off parenting in almost 2 years (my twins' entire lives), but then I thought back to when I was a kid. Parents didn't take week-long vacations, weekends away, party nights out on the town, etc. in the '70s/'80s that I recall. Maybe a couple times per year they went out to eat while we stayed with our grandparents, but we were over 4 by then, and it didn't happen much. Sure, we need breaks every now and then. But sometimes I just don't get it. Why have kids if you want to live a "kidless" lifestyle?
It's all about opportunity. Most people find that they have very little time after they have kids and they adjust to their new way of life. Same for kids who graduate college; some come out and go back to hanging out, mooching off their parents and refusing to grow up. There are parents who tolerate this and those that don't. Kids from families who tolerate them being a perpetual child take full advantage of that
In this situation, there are family members willing to enable them to act like they are child free. If that means did not exist, they would be forced to act like parents. As long as the means is there for them to get away with it, they will utilize it.
Doing something that you know you really shouldn't simply because you feel bad never turns out well. Resentment builds and everyone is stressed because they can't say no.
It sounds to me like marital problem. The OP says his wife says yes to these babysitting events. I don't get why the wife wouldn't bluntly say "this is wrong. Mom and dad have a kid with CP to deal with and you a further burdening them and in turn us. Work your life around you own kids"
It's like dominoes: the parents of the CP kid feel bad for the other kids so they say okay when asked to watch them. Then the OP's wife feels bad for the parents so she takes some of those duties away. Then the parents head off to wherever and everyone left behind is totally burdened and stressed. You just have to learn to say no.
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