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You're always going to be his parent and it's natural to be concerned, however, as difficult as it is to put your foot down, it won't hurt him as much as it will benefit him.
At 20, he doesn't seem very enthused about being a man and taking on the responsibilities of a man. It's just plain easier to stay home and mooch.
He did not answer his cell phone.....believe it or not, this was the first time I had called the dealership...maybe I should not have, but I did. He has been employed at the dealership for about 10 months. When I asked him about his job he continued to lie about it. I don't want him going through life thinking he can lie about stuff all the time.
and YOU need to go thru life ACCEPTING he doesn NOT have to account to you anymore.
Maybe the vacation (I'm sort of surprised a 20 yr old would even want to go, and like someone else said, this time could be better spent job hunting) would be a good opportunity for you and he to realign your relationship.
You can offer to be there for him if he needs you, but basically let him know you are cutting the cord and not going to micromanage his life anymore. Explain that you have poured your best into him for all these years and now he needs to step up, be responsible and manage his own life. Whatever arrangement he has with his father is their business, but hopefully he'll agree that the boy needs a little tough love.
If you don't do this, before you know it, he'll be 30 and still using you as a crutch.
Yes, I do pay his cell phone bill, give him money at Christmas and his birthday. I take him to dinner and on vacations. It may cost me money in the long run, it will cost me time...trying to figure what he is going to do next and how he's going to do it...he is not very motivated. It will cost me energy too..I'm raising 2 other children, and I'm a full-time employee and student. I just want him to be a responsible adult!
Well it's no long in your power. Time to focus on the other two. If he wants to screw up, let him. He'll learn.
If you got fired because of excessive tardiness, would your husband cancel your vacation because it would be rewarding you for losing your job? Or would he want to go ahead with the plans as is and then you work on getting a new job when you returned and doing better all around?
If your mom was going and got fired...?
If your younger child got suspended from school?
A family vacation that includes various members of a family, no matter the age, is a separate entity from the day to day life. Your decision should not be based on whether you think he is a responsible adult or not. Either you want this son to be part of the family vacation or you do not.
Separate from that, you now desire him to become what you consider a responsible adult. As a parent it's your job to guide him to that in an adult way. Rewarding and punishing is not an effective way to have a relationship with another adult, so if I were you, I'd rethink your approach before making any other decisions.
If he wants a cell phone, then he needs to be responsible for it. Sure it may be easier to have him on your family plan, but either insist he pay you monthly for his part or he can get his own.
If he lives with dad rent free, then that's out of your hands, so let it go.
If you have the money to be generous for birthdays and holidays, then enjoy giving to him, but do not use it as a weapon for what you want him to be.
If you want to feed him, then do so because you want to, not to make him feel he owes you for it.
While he was not honest about his job loss with you at first, neither were you with him regarding the fact that you already knew. It was as if you were setting him up to lie, instead of just asking him outright why he hadn't told you about getting fired. (which I cannot imagine the employer telling YOU that information....that's a breach of confidentiality that I'd be furious over if I was your son)
I hope your vacation includes him, if he can go now, and he is treated like an adult. I hope that after the vacation you can help him work towards independence in a healthy way.
Should I let my 20 year old son go on our family vacation or not? I have a 20 year old son who lives with my ex-husband. He pays no rent, he has unlimited free access to a vehicle, and he has a cell phone that he does not pay for. He was working full-time at a Ford dealership until this past Saturday. His normal working hours are M-F 2:30 - 6:30 p.m. (20 hrs. per week). I found out, by calling the dealership, that he had been fired for showing up 1.50 minutes late. This tells me that he had been late on other occassions. I called him to find out what was going on and I did not let him know right away that I knew about his termination. He volunteeringly let me know that he was at work and had his hands full of grease and could not get to the phone the first time I called him. After him lying to me by telling me he was at work and still had a job...I finally told him that I talked directly to someone at the dealership and they informed me of the situation....he went silent. He had not told my ex-husband that he was fired and didn't plan on telling anyone about it until we returned from vacation. My plans at this point, although it pains me....I am prepared to tell him that I am not going to reward this behavior and he will not be going with us on vacation. I'm very hurt, upset and dissapointed that he could lie to me to me and be so irresponsible. As a parent, feel that if he does go on vacation with us, I will be rewarding the unacceptable behavior. We leave on Saturday, I just found out about his termination yestereday. He has two sibblings 9 and 13 years old who are very excited about the trip. Please let me know your thoughts...quick!
Here's your biggest problem - He's 20 years old and you are trying to treat him like he's 10
Yes, he lied to you, and that was not right. HOWEVER, is it possible he felt backed into a corner because you frequently question him like a 10 year old?
Try to understand your role in what is happening with this young man. And geez, don't go calling his employer!! HE IS NOT A LITTLE KID.
It is time to let him sink or swim when it comes to making choices and decisions on how to live his life. The fact that he acted irresponsibly and lost a job is a great opportunity for him to learn a hard lesson - there is no need for you to feel YOU have to teach him a further lesson.
I would NOT exclude him from the family vacation like some punishment you mete out to a 10 year old. Have a serious conversation with him where you express your disappointment that he would lie to you, but also tell him from this point forward he will be responsible for his own life and you are there to advise him when/if he asks for advice. Then back off and enjoy your time together as a family.
I would keep the plans for him to go on vacation with you and his siblings. It is probably the last family vaca that you will all go on together and will mean a lot to the other kids. Yes, 20 is legally an adult, but it doesn't mean that a 20 YO is a grown up.
I don't think he should get a free ride, but there are other ways to reinforce your disappointment, IMO.
Quote:
Originally Posted by keaton651
Should I let my 20 year old son go on our family vacation or not? I have a 20 year old son who lives with my ex-husband. He pays no rent, he has unlimited free access to a vehicle, and he has a cell phone that he does not pay for. He was working full-time at a Ford dealership until this past Saturday. His normal working hours are M-F 2:30 - 6:30 p.m. (20 hrs. per week). I found out, by calling the dealership, that he had been fired for showing up 1.50 minutes late. This tells me that he had been late on other occassions. I called him to find out what was going on and I did not let him know right away that I knew about his termination. He volunteeringly let me know that he was at work and had his hands full of grease and could not get to the phone the first time I called him. After him lying to me by telling me he was at work and still had a job...I finally told him that I talked directly to someone at the dealership and they informed me of the situation....he went silent. He had not told my ex-husband that he was fired and didn't plan on telling anyone about it until we returned from vacation. My plans at this point, although it pains me....I am prepared to tell him that I am not going to reward this behavior and he will not be going with us on vacation. I'm very hurt, upset and dissapointed that he could lie to me to me and be so irresponsible. As a parent, feel that if he does go on vacation with us, I will be rewarding the unacceptable behavior. We leave on Saturday, I just found out about his termination yestereday. He has two sibblings 9 and 13 years old who are very excited about the trip. Please let me know your thoughts...quick!
While he was not honest about his job loss with you at first, neither were you with him regarding the fact that you already knew. It was as if you were setting him up to lie, instead of just asking him outright why he hadn't told you about getting fired. (which I cannot imagine the employer telling YOU that information....that's a breach of confidentiality that I'd be furious over if I was your son)
This part of the story stuck with me too....I'm glad you brought it up.
I hope that my kids can always be honest with me (but I guess that's something we don't always know) and I've set the example by being honest with them first. There's no need to test them or entrap them...that's not dealing honestly, IMO.
OP, perhaps your son just needed some time to sort things out before talking to you...instead of lying he should have said that he'd discuss it with you later, etc. Perhaps you have helped create an atmosphere where he doesn't feel like he can be upfront with you. Perhaps he's just a liar. In any case...your actions don't go toward building trust in an adult-adult relationship.
I was calling to talk to him about the trip, not to check up on him.
Why would you call him to talk about a trip during his work hours if you care so much about him being a responsible adult?
Why would you call the employer's phone number and not his cel phone?
Afterall, you called him on his cell phone when you called to trick him.
What you're saying just doesn't add up.
Quote:
Originally Posted by maciesmom
I agree that it is pretty creepy for a mom to be phoning an employer - and frankly an employer to be answering. It would never have even occurred to me to phone my kids' employers - even when they were minors.
I'm actually quite shocked that the employer told her the details of his separation.
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