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That's what I think many people are missing here. She can't have it both ways. She can't expect him to be an adult when she rewards and punishes him like he's a child.
Notice how she has responded to every post in this thread except those that have taken her to task for calling his employer? She doesn't think she did anything wrong!
I was calling to talk to him about the trip, not to check up on him. Believe I wish I would not have called!
But why would you call him at work? You obviously knew his schedule and he has a cell phone. The time to chat about vacation time is after work....
He did not answer his cell phone.....believe it or not, this was the first time I had called the dealership...maybe I should not have, but I did. He has been employed at the dealership for about 10 months. When I asked him about his job he continued to lie about it. I don't want him going through life thinking he can lie about stuff all the time.
It sounds like he pretnded to be at work because he knew your reaction would be an unpleasant one. So he lives with his Dad. Do you support this son in any way? Is his being unemployed going to cost you money/time/energy? If not, what's the problem with taking him on vacation?
I too have a 20 year old son and have gone thru this EXACT situation. I left him at home. As harsh as this sounds sometimes they need to rough-it a little before they see the need to grow up. When everything is paid for you son and he has no responsiblities he has little "reason" to get off his rear and work to earn things. We have 6 kids from 24 down to 6, and a simple rule.. when you turn 18, you can continue to live for free rent and food only if you go FULLTIME to school, but you still need to get a job for your car ins, clothing and essentials OR you can work full time and pay rent. Either way... house rules apply. My son actually thanked me for making him grow up as he said if I hadnt pushed him he would still be playing video games and working 15 hours a week... Hope this helps
He did not answer his cell phone.....believe it or not, this was the first time I had called the dealership...maybe I should not have, but I did. He has been employed at the dealership for about 10 months. When I asked him about his job he continued to lie about it. I don't want him going through life thinking he can lie about stuff all the time.
I understand being upset about being lied to but I would never have called an employer - especially to discuss a personal issue. Personal phone calls are for personal time. If he did not answer your phone calls, then leave a message saying you need to discuss vacation plans and that if he doesn't return your call, you'll assume he is too busy or not interested in going along.
The OP was WANTING him to go on vacation up until this happened. She didn't say that she was demanding that he pay a portion.
So what?
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Originally Posted by Hopes
Not every family considers it freeloading to allow adult children to live in the house without paying household expenses.
They should, because that's what it is.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hopes
For the record, the OP isn't treating the son like an adult either. Parents shouldn't call the employers of adult children.
She did, so shoot her. Sheesh.
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Originally Posted by Hopes
Why should he tell her that he was fired? As you said, he's an adult. He has no obligation whatsoever to tell her.
He can learn from getting fired on his own. That's what adults do.
He is not behaving like an adult, and he's living free of charge with a parent, he doesn't get those privacy priviledges.
Quote:
Originally Posted by keaton651
This would change because I feel that I would be rewarding his irresponsible behavior. I pay for his cell phone, help him out at Christmas ($$), his birthday (nice dinner & $$) and take him on vacations. If I didn't care about his future and about him being a responsible adult...it would be okay for him to freeload and continue to make bad decisions.
You're enabling him to be irresponsible by paying for his cell and forking over cash. GIVE HIM SOME RESPONSIBILITY, OR FORCE HIM TO TAKE SOME FOR HIMSELF.
If he didn't have a free pillow, food and vacations, he would find a way to survive on his own. HE'S 20 !!! If not now, WHEN???
This would change because I feel that I would be rewarding his irresponsible behavior. I pay for his cell phone, help him out at Christmas ($$), his birthday (nice dinner & $$) and take him on vacations. If I didn't care about his future and about him being a responsible adult...it would be okay for him to freeload and continue to make bad decisions.
Well then stop paying for his cell and give more modest presents... I think that will go a lot further than not letting him go with you on this vacation.
Since he is living with your ex it's really up to your ex to stop the freeloading.
It sounds like he pretnded to be at work because he knew your reaction would be an unpleasant one. So he lives with his Dad. Do you support this son in any way? Is his being unemployed going to cost you money/time/energy? If not, what's the problem with taking him on vacation?
Yes, I do pay his cell phone bill, give him money at Christmas and his birthday. I take him to dinner and on vacations. It may cost me money in the long run, it will cost me time...trying to figure what he is going to do next and how he's going to do it...he is not very motivated. It will cost me energy too..I'm raising 2 other children, and I'm a full-time employee and student. I just want him to be a responsible adult!
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