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I have a 6 yo boy who likely has aspergers so he doesn't always understand social situations.....but that said, sheesh, I was mortified today. We were out and my son announces "mom there are alot of 'brown' people here". Ugh. sigh.
This is the second time this has happened. The first time I thought not much of it only because his best friend happens to be african american, and when he said it he didn't know the name of the child and when he doesn't, he tends to describe the person for instance he will say "mom the girl with blonde hair over there" instead of just telling me "hey mom, cindy did this or that". NOT that it makes it OK, I just understand he doesn't always understand what he should do and what is socially acceptable.
I told him in private later that it wasn't nice or polite to announce what people look like because it doesn't matter. You aren't to say "fat" skinny" "black" "white" etc and if he had questions he can ask me in private because doing that may make someone feel bad if they think he is talking about them. My husband and I never talk about race, we live in a very diverse area, half of our neighbors are of a different race and its not like my child has never seen, or gone to school, or played with other kids who may not be white. I suppose I assumed that his being around a diverse group of kids at school and in our neighborhood this wouldn't happen. He's not racist although I betcha the one gentleman who heard this go down today thought what awful parents we were and unfortunately all I did was apologize and say "he doesn't understand".
So what can I tell my son? Is there anything that I am should be explaining? He cried and felt awful (you could tell by the look on his face) when I was explaining the 'rules' because he honestly didn't understand and was not at all expecting the reaction that he got from me. Again this is the second time this has happened though and although he seems to understand when we discuss it in private, he doesn't have any inner diaologue and Im unsure when he may learn to get it (if ever). To him it seems like he was simply making an innocent observation not understanding how he may hurt someone. Can any other parent of a child on the spectrum help me out here?
He is okay. I think you did a good job - he didnt use a racially derogatory term, he didnt even use a racially based term - he just described the people he saw.
My son is 6, and does not have Asperger's, and has done the same kind of thing. The other day he commented on the skin color of his Korean babysitter in front of her white mother. Don't worry about it. I think you did the right thing. Teachable moment.
I think almost every parent with a child that is old enough to speak has dealt with this. My daughter is only 3, but she has already started describing people as "brown" or "peach". She doesn't mean it in a racial way - she describes different dogs by their color too. Anyway, I started emphasizing that it's true that not everyone looks the same (color, height, weight, etc.), but that we are all the same on the inside and that is what matters. I think that for kids who may not yet understand the importance of tact, it is still a great teachable moment to instill the message of tolerance.
A young boy is telling his mother, who is picking him up at the park, which kid he was playing with that day. The young boy points and describes the boy "by the slide", "in the red shirt" blah, blah, blah. Everything but "black" or "african american".
I mean please....kids have no holds...they just describe people by the most basic and obvious attributes. The story above is a bunch of crap.
Whether your son has aspergers or not, don't worry about his outburst - it's a kiddo thing.
Keep your sense of humor. We moved to Colorado from Maryland. One of the first things my son asked after we arrived was, "Mom, where are all the brown people?" Kids of that age think in very literal terms.
On a related note, I found this Newsweek article based on a chapter from the book, NurtureShock, very interesting. Perhaps we should all be making a much more concerted effort to talk about race with our children.
Last edited by formercalifornian; 11-15-2009 at 07:39 PM..
A young boy is telling his mother, who is picking him up at the park, which kid he was playing with that day. The young boy points and describes the boy "by the slide", "in the red shirt" blah, blah, blah. Everything but "black" or "african american".
I mean please....kids have no holds...they just describe people by the most basic and obvious attributes. The story above is a bunch of crap.
Whether your son has aspergers or not, don't worry about his outburst - it's a kiddo thing.
Which story are you refering to as "a bunch of crap"?
I get completely fed up with this political correct BS where it is supposed to be inappropriate to mention a persons skin color in any context. I don't think there's anything wrong with a 6 y/o mentioning someone being brown.. After all, ITS TRUE! So much time/sanity/whatever could be saved if we'd stop describing people and leaving out the most obvious things such as race.
Just the other night I was watching boxing or MMA on tv. Was a white guy against a black guy. Naturally the on screen displayed labled them by short colors which were black with white pinstripes and black with red pinstripes.. barely could see the difference in shorts. What annoyed me was when the announcers would remind the audience that soandso was in those trunks and soandso2 in the other trunks. Could have just said soandso is the black guy, soandso2 is the white guy and would have been much much clearer.
I think you did an excellent job of explaining the rules. Skin color is one recognizable trait, and there's nothing in itself wrong with mentioning it, but it would have been equally (or probably more!) embarrassing if he'd commented on all the "fat people here", for example. I don't have a kid that age yet (my son is only now starting to make potentially embarrassing comments), but I think your approach sounds like it was the ideal one to take. Making a big deal about race over any other factor as something not to point out would be confusing and could potentially create even more problems.
Smooth23, I agree with you that there are time when it is, or should be, acceptable to point out people's skin color (it is an identifier, just like anything else), but think that in the case of a young kid (aspergers or not) it's difficult to explain context and which words are nice and which are not. Brown or peach coming out of the mouth of a kid might not be a big deal for many people, but words like fat or big (also descriptive) could be more hurtful, not mention embarrassing for all those involved.
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