A "Bully" getting Bullied (bullying, ideas, parents, girls)

[jlkljlal]

My son is 11 years old. He’s big for his age. Tall – 5’4” and about 120. Solid guy he is. As you guessed it, he’s the “bully” I mentioned in the thread opener. As odd as it sounds he’s the one being bullied but is getting labeled by the playground aides and consequently the principal as the bully. The principal said she’s getting concerned and doesn’t know what to do with him. His teacher says he’s been nothing but respectful to her and his classmates call him “The giant Teddy Bear” due to a sweatshirt he consistently wears. (Must have been a sweetheart that started the name and it appears to have stuck).

Here’s the situation. There is another boy who insists on badgering my son. All verbal as the boy is smaller (as are most kids in his class). My son’s teacher has both boys in her class and she even admits to me that this boy is very confrontational. My son does his best to ignore, avoid, etc… but the boy is persistant. Wants my son to react and will keep at it until he does. Yesterday my son was playing a game, the other boy came up and started telling anyone to get my son out. Kept it up for about 5 minutes. Then when my son got out, the other boy cheered. Of course my son got mad and threw the ball at the other boy. The Aide for the playground saw that and told him he had to get out of the game. My son was still mad at the other boy and told the Aide no. The situation escaladed between the aide and him until the principle was brought into it. My son spent an hour in the office. The principle said the other boy was punished too….but don’t know how or for how long.

The school’s solution is to attempt to keep the boys apart. Works in a classroom setting but not for recess or phy-ed, as the above shows. Any ideas or other suggestions my son could use to help him out? There’s only three weeks of school left and next year the two are going to be split so they’ll be apart for the majority of the time, but that’s not giving my son any coping techniques or anything to help him hold onto his frustration in the meantime.

[irishmom]

I have big boys also...and yes my oldest is well behaved and gets picked on as well. Why is it the little boys are so verbal? I wonder if they are trying to appear bigger as they are self consciencous about their smaller size? How I handled it was to keep on the school to intervene before the situation escalated between my son and the other boy. I also told my son that he needed to go to a teacher or other supervising adult instead of acting out physically to other child. I also spoke to the parents of the annoying child. None of this worked. I explained to my son that I thought this boy was picking on him because he needed to for some reason feel "bigger" than he was and that he should try to ignore him. Then I gave him a few verbal comebacks to use if ignoring didn't work to get the other child to shut up....I know not very advanced parenting but it worked. The other child has stopped picking on him and now all has been quiet at school for the past 5 months.

[South Range Family]

I know that we are only hearing one side of the story, but since other teachers and kids seem to backup your story, I'll go with it.

It seems like the other kid's dad may have once told his son to take out the biggest kid around, and nobody else will ever screw with you. He may have thought he was protecting his kid, but turned him into a real jerk wad. Fear has the ability to do some amazing things.

Hopefully your son will be able to control his anger, and not let the kid get to him. That boy is getting the reaction that he is looking for.
Some people just have an instant hatred for each other. They may both be decent people. Put them together and look out. I can't explain it. There is one person at work that I barely know. The mere sight of him disgusts me. Being a mature adult means being able to control your emotions and not lash out for no reason.

Your son needs to control that emotion. He must also still know that he is allowed to defend himself if the other boy ever escalates the problem. Your job is to show him that balance.

"Be kind and show empathy to others, but be prepared to kick ass if you have to."

[FistFightingHairdresser]

Originally Posted by irishmom

I have big boys also...and yes my oldest is well behaved and gets picked on as well. Why is it the little boys are so verbal? I wonder if they are trying to appear bigger as they are self consciencous about their smaller size? How I handled it was to keep on the school to intervene before the situation escalated between my son and the other boy. I also told my son that he needed to go to a teacher or other supervising adult instead of acting out physically to other child. I also spoke to the parents of the annoying child. None of this worked. I explained to my son that I thought this boy was picking on him because he needed to for some reason feel "bigger" than he was and that he should try to ignore him. Then I gave him a few verbal comebacks to use if ignoring didn't work to get the other child to shut up....I know not very advanced parenting but it worked. The other child has stopped picking on him and now all has been quiet at school for the past 5 months.

The verbal comeback option is the bomb. Here's one I used for years that fits any situation, and is virtually comeback-proof. Make sure your son uses it in a loud voice so everyone can hear:

"You've got a booger hanging out of your nose."

Works every time. Walk away, laugh and enjoy the fallout.

[jlkljlal]

Thanks for the advise. I love the line. So will my son. I'll let you know what happens for I'm sure this isn't the last of it yet.

[irishmom]

Originally Posted by FistFightingHairdresser

The verbal comeback option is the bomb. Here's one I used for years that fits any situation, and is virtually comeback-proof. Make sure your son uses it in a loud voice so everyone can hear:

"You've got a booger hanging out of your nose."

Works every time. Walk away, laugh and enjoy the fallout.

Ha Ha!!! Ok the comebacks I gave my son were not nearly as amusing as that one!..LOL

[skoe]

I'm sorry, but name calling is never the answer.

My oldest son has always been big for his age...(right now he is 14 years old, 6' 1" and 240 lbs.) when he was 10 he was being bullied by a boy in school and around the neighborhood. My son at the time had a very sweet, non-confrontational personality. I was baffled that this short little twerp was bugging him. My son had worked on building a city out of lego for an assignment. It was gorgeous! He took it to school, set it on his desk and this little ***** came up and shoved it off his desk. Totally wrecked. Luckily the teacher had looked at it already. That is just one example of many as to how this boy was bullying my son.

I at that point thought I would tell my son to use his physical strength and go against everything I had taught him. Teach this boy a lesson. As in your case I knew my son would have been blamed for it and my son would have to go against his beliefs.

I had had enough. I drove to the childs house. I knocked on the door with my son standing behind me. The boys sister came to the door and I asked to speak to the parents. They came to the door and I said,

"your son has been constantly bullying my son. I know by looking at him it seems a little silly but I have raised my son to be respectful of other people. Your son calls him fagott, p***y and every other degrading name. He is getting physical with him and it is going to stop. If you don't deal with it I will have a meeting with the teachers, principal and counselor at school and they will deal with it."

The parents were SO apologetic! They called the boy down and gave him heck in front of us. The boy started crying. That was such sweet victory. He was made to apologize to my son and me. And then got another lecture from his parents. Then the father shook my sons hand and said "thank you son for not punching him out. You are a nice young man." Then he told me to come right to him if his son did anything else.

The boys was grounded for a month.

I bet you and I could swap 'misunderstood big guy' stories!

Good luck to you and your poor son.

[Yorkie_Mom]

I have about the same problem except mine is a daughter, she is 5'4 and weighs about 130, hers started when her best friends cousin wanted to break up their friendship.
She has went above and beyond to do anything just to keep them apart, plus make her sit by her self in lunch, so girls even do it this day and age. My daughter has nine days left to go, and then I am pulling her out early because we are going to be moving out of state.
I know that it doesn't solve the problem and that isn't the reason we are moving, but I sure hope that she will never be put through that kind of behavior again, and she will find a lot of new friends.
My daughter has never been sent to the office, she has been very good at putting up with it, the only thing that is bad, is when she comes home with her feelings hurt, and then it is hard to take.

[BrianH]

I too was bullied when i was younger, and was labelled the bully. I was always taller and being picked on and being hit and beaten up. Then one day i snapped. I got in fight after fight after fight with boys untill one day it all stopped. My mam was called alot about my beating boys up, but she was the one that told me to stop taking it and standing up for myself. Tall kids are (in my experience) usually bullied. It takes alot for a kid being bullied to stand up for himself, but when he does make sure you tell him to do it all the time. I know you will feel guilty about telling him to fight as hell get hurt etc, but believe me its the best way.

[skoe]

Thanks for sharing that BrianH. It is nice to hear it first hand how it effects the bigger kids. My son plays football, that put an end to a LOT of the bullying. And, like you said, he had my permission (after much debating in my head!) to fight back if he needed to. 2 fights and the problem ended.